A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm 31 and single. I've wanted to be married for years, maybe since 20. Part of that is my south Asian culture that puts a lot of importance on marriage and family. But I never had any substantial relationships. Over the years I've discovered things about me like how guys get on my nerves, I'm attracted to females but don't want to touch pr have the guts to, I want children, a father to my child and a caring husband. I want to be attracted to him and for us to be on the same page. But that has not happened yet. I'm not sure why. I've met so many guys online. I even went to 2 speed dating banquet hall dinners. No one gave me their number. I think I'm pretty and approachable but not a single gut gave me his number. I go to Muslim events, I dance all night, I have fun, but no one apprpaches me. What vibe am I giving off? I feel jaded, confused, so lost. I also have decided to go back to school, change career paths, and understand that I'm busy applying to school and starting a new life since this life isn't working right now. I'm doing the same thing and don't feel progress. In my 20s I travelled, got hurt by men, hurt men myself, and now I feel run down and hopeless. I feel the world is fake, filled with bad people, I try to be positive but that hasn't gotten me anywhere. One time at the speed dating event I went in hopeful and confident and was rejected by 3 men. I know I have a very confident, social personality. I know my culture is shy and coy, and I'm not. I'm also very real and honest. I look young. I'm just trying to figure out why men are not asking me out or the men I go out with from online font want to go for a 2nd dateSide note: black men love me and do ask me out but I'm looking for a Muslim guy. Idk anymore. I wanted the south Asian guy because they'll get my family and I can trust him bc we grew up similarly. I don't think I'm meeting my guy at some formal event. I feel so shot down while the girls around me get numbers. I need help.
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muslim, shy, speed dating, want children Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2017): You can either search for a life-coach; or search the internet for local organizations that provide trauma counseling for battered and abused women.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'll try but how do you start?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2017): Change takes time. You can't change overnight. If you've sustained emotional-trauma from your past relationships; it may require some professional counseling. Changing personality flaws requires a lot of channeling, practice, and effort.
You're hurt inside, and men trigger your defense-mechanisms.
If you can't do it alone, you should seek professional counseling or coaching. Telling yourself you can't, is basically self-defeat. Making an excuse for yourself to avoid doing anything difficult and demanding of you emotionally. You enjoy lashing out at men. Putting people down.
Therefore; you won't try. You're set in your ways. You're accustomed to being difficult to approach and defensive; only it doesn't gain you anything you want or need.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys, I'll try to change my attitude and mindset but it's not easy when you're convinced that it's not working for me. But i can try
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2017): Like I said, you need to adjust your attitude. The bitterness or cynicism is projected through your behavior.
How you interact with men.
You can't allow yourself to be pressured by family to find a mate. Nor should you let your bitterness with men of your past overrule or poison your personality to the degree men won't even ask for your number. Don't frown or furrow your brow. When you're around men, you're so angry you probably become very tense. Talkative and uneasy. Look in the mirror, and stare. If you're frowning, that's what they're seeing.
You give-off a vibe, and we are all naturally tuned to pickup signals of attraction. If you project negativity, people avoid you.
They can see through you, even when you try to fake-it; because you're so angry at men that it shows. You really aren't hiding it; and you're probably taking subtle jabs at the men who have approached you, and have repelled them off.
Maybe it isn't the men, but it is you! It is okay to be confident and an assertive woman.
If you're strict about the guy being Asian Muslim; then you know that an aggressive or assertive female-personality is not what they want in a wife. They would prefer a more docile or delicately-feminine type of woman. You are strong and have a very powerful presence. I also pick that up in your post. Only that strength has been misused. You use it as a defense-mechanism. You find fault in others; before they notice your flaws. You strike first. That is working against you!
I might also recommend that when talking to men, that you don't share your past experiences with other men. If all you say is bad things about them; they will fault you as the reason it didn't workout. They see you as damaged, if all you do is complain about what guys have done to you.
We all have to kiss a few frogs. Finding a suitable mate is a process of selection and elimination. You reject a few; and sometime you get rejected. That's how life and nature works. You don't give-up until you find success. It takes time, and most people aren't patient enough. Or, they don't correct their bad-points, and expect people to just put-up with them.
If they see how burnt you are, they know right from the start that you're not going to be easy to get along with. So, when you see certain ways you have aren't working for you; you work on what seems to be consistently getting in your way. I'd say it's your attitude. Purge the bitterness!
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female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (2 November 2017):
 My dear, please try hard to step out of your own comfort zone and give all good men a chance.
Oh my gosh, you have no idea what you're saying, nor what's out there!
There are so many good, respectful, sweet, honest, funny and compassionate men out there.
How would i know? (you may say)
Well, i am married and i consider my husband to be an angel on earth.
No, he's not perfect, nor am i, but together we are great and we are totally committed to our marriage and we always maintain high standards within our marriage.
Giving of out time, respect, integrity and honesty being a few.
You must put yourself out there and stop being so damn pigheaded!
Learn to be a bit more soft, compassionate and kind to yourself, then you can be unto others.
Remember, you are a flawed human being, as we all are, but you have so much good within yourself.
Tap into that good and you will reap the rewards that a loving relationship could bring you.
When you meet somebody new, don't start the relationship by nitpicking, by accusing, by labelling all men, by putting men down, by speaking negative or nasty, because trust me, he'll be listening very carefully to every word you say.
Just be nice, be open and receptive to receiving love, be calm always and be compromising.
Compromise is huge, because without it, no relationship can/will survive.
A good and healthy relationship is a truly wonderful experience and a good and healthy marriage, even better.
Go for it and let your judgemental, suspicious and bitter guard down and you will surely see/feel the difference.
Also, take note of the fact that just like you, there are many men who wish for exactly the same thing.
You know, i have met so many men who have been betrayed and hurt by women, by their spouses, yet they choose to find closure, they re-wear their heart on their sleeve and they move on and often do find love again.
Why?
Because they know that no two women are the same and they're prepared to place trust in somebody new and give that new person the benefit of the doubt and not treat them badly, just because they've been bruised and battered before.
Why don't you do men the same courtesy?
All the best and let me know how you go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice. I don't want to get married just for my family, that is a part of it but it's also me. I do want a husband and kids. I want a companion and best friend. I don't want to be alone. I don't like women in that way, like I never had a crush on a woman. I think they're beautiful but I see myself with a man. I'm sure there are good men out there but I'm so bitter and so annoyed with them. If they tell me what to do, or mansplain, or lie. I recently was with a black man who was cheating so my stereotype of black men cheating is heavily embedded in my head and I can't get rid of it although I'm attracted to them and get along with them. I have a problem with every race, including my own. I don't like south asian men. I find them to be conceited mama's boys. I know I sound disrespectful and bitter. I don't want to be this way but I don't know how to change. The only thing that keeps me going is my coworker who is married. He makes me feel like there's hope for men. I don't want to just marry any guy my parents choose. I think they've accepted that it won't work that way. I can be patient b/c I do want the guy/best friend/life partner. I just am bitter about them and I'm not sure how to get past this mindset.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice. I don't want to get married just for my family, that is a part of it but it's also me. I do want a husband and kids. I want a companion and best friend. I don't want to be alone. I don't like women in that way, like I never had a crush on a woman. I think they're beautiful but I see myself with a man. I'm sure there are good men out there but I'm so bitter and so annoyed with them. If they tell me what to do, or mansplain, or lie. I recently was with a black man who was cheating so my stereotype of black men cheating is heavily embedded in my head and I can't get rid of it although I'm attracted to them and get along with them. I have a problem with every race, including my own. I don't like south asian men. I find them to be conceited mama's boys. I know I sound disrespectful and bitter. I don't want to be this way but I don't know how to change. The only thing that keeps me going is my coworker who is married. He makes me feel like there's hope for men. I don't want to just marry any guy my parents choose. I think they've accepted that it won't work that way. I can be patient b/c I do want the guy/best friend/life partner. I just am bitter about them and I'm not sure how to get past this mindset.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2017): Am black and wanted to ask you if you have tried black men. What i know is most non black women will complain of being single and no one wanting them, but seem black men as the bottom of the barrel that cannot be dated. Am not sure why in the 21st century people still choose to close themselves to only a certain group of people from their culture.
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female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (31 October 2017):
I should have added, there are many good, black Muslim men out there.
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female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (31 October 2017):
Do what's right for YOU, not what's standard within your racial group or religious teachings.
If you fall in love with a specific person, does it truly matter what their faith is, or even their ethnicity?
Your comment regarding black men is rather rude, arrogant and conceited.
There are many very handsome black men around, all over the world and as the old saying goes, you get the good, the bad and the ugly within every racial group and that applies to your own!
You are no better than anybody else and just as you have your choices, so too, do all the men who've rejected you in some way or another.
You have your ideals, so do they.
You need to decide what it is that you really want.
Do you really want a husband or are you simply fulfilling your family's needs?
Do you want to be with a female or a male for the long term?
Could you be bi-sexual?
Could you be a-sexual, yet you are simply attracted to and intrigued by both men/women?
I don't know you personally, so it's very hard to ascertain exactly where you're coming from or even who you are personally.
As a reader, i can only go by all you've stated.
You've every right to hold onto your standards, however, you needn't demean others either.
Try to be a bit more open minded and real when in the presence of men.
Just be yourself, but always smile, be happy and do talk to anybody you're interested in.
Let them see a glimpse of who you really are and don't be shy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2017): You seem cynical and soured on men. Your attitude and comportment projects your true spirit; and you're probably coming across to men as bitter and phony. How do you fake liking someone you're not even attracted to?
You don't like men; so why are you concerned they don't take your number?
Perhaps they see through your facade of interest; and can tell you really don't like any of them. There are lots of dead-giveaways you are unaware of that men pickup on. Your avoiding eye-contact, idle-conversation, your body-language; and no signals that show you're even attracted to them, for starters.
There are black Muslims. To generalize "black men love you;" is conceited, if not racist. As if you're implying they're not good enough for you.
I will guess you are of Indian or Pakistani ethnicity; and you might consider asking your parents or grand-parents to possibly set-up an arranged marriage for you. Since you've had no luck on your own, and don't seem patient enough to allow yourself more time to choose an appropriate mate for yourself. Assuming they are eager to get you married, and it seems you're doing it for their sake.
A slight attitude adjustment will make all the difference. If you give-off the right vibe; then some guy will pickup on it. Just as they're not your type; you're not what they're looking for either. If your attitude is like the tone of your post, I guess I can see why you have difficulty.
You don't seem to be pursuing your own happiness; just trying to get your family off your back about getting married and having children. Then let them find a husband for you. I'm sure they will find a guy fitting all the necessary criteria. You're not attracted to men; so it won't matter so much who they choose.
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male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (30 October 2017):
 Isn't the problem that you are attracted to females but looking for an Asian Muslim man?
I really don't think speed dating or meeting men online is the answer for you.
You need to work out if you want a man or a woman as you life partner. It could be that you give out mixed signals when yo are with a man.
And, just for the sake of argument, why must it be an Asian Muslim? Is it for faith or family reasons? Are you trying to keep people happy other than yourself by your choice?
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