A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Is there such a thing as ever actually being honest in relationships anymore!?!? Do people actually know what it even means? I stayed friends with my ex after we broke up a few months ago because despite not working out she seemed like a good, honest person. Well just today I found out she had been cheating.I've had severe trust issues after literally being lied to and cheated on in every relationship I've ever had. and I'm 29 so I'm not new to this. My ex was my one glimmer of hope that some people really could be faithful and honest. Now that's ruined by what I discovered.I'm devastated. I don't know how to trust in anyone. I'm in a relationship now and I just feel terrified of the same things happening. When I love someone, I would NEVER lie or deceive them. Am I the only one left who feels that way?? What am I doing wrong? How do I find someone who is decent? Please help. I'm desperate.FYI, I'm not attracted to bad people who treat me poorly. The people I've gotten with all seemed so genuine and honest and sweet. They legitimately blind-sided me. So its not an attraction to the wrong kind of people.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you so much for your response. that was great advice. i really appreciate all of the insight. :)
i tend to have pretty spot on intuition, but as you said, i choose to ignore it rather than follow it. that's what led me down the path of a two year miserable relationship. i need to start paying much closer attention, cause the signs are there.
thanks again!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2013): Thank you for the clarification! Well then I don't know. I think it may be a combination of bad luck and yes, like you said, you may inadvertently be going for the cheating types. Being a cheater goes hand in hand with being a liar. As you found out, your ex convincingly lied to you that she was something she's not. I think it is safe to say all cheaters will do this. You need to learn to read between the lines of those who are innately pulling one over you. It's like a famous quote goes, wolves parade around in sheep's clothes. Some people have the ability to see right through bullshit. Others, like you, fall prey to the false exterior. You need to develop your intuition about people and learn to use your gut more. Don't ignore the red flags and learn to KNOW what those red flags are. Even if that means keeping your guard up, taking things slow. Don't be gullible, dont jump into a relationship and don't believe everything you hear. This is your heart at stake. Be more skeptical. When you meet someone, do some digging. Find out what their friends say about them. Find out why their last relationship ended. Find out their reputation. All bullshit aside, evaluate their values. Are their friends cheaters? You are the company you keep...These things are so telling of how someone will treat you. There are SO many honest, faithful people in the world. So I know you have a good shot at finding one. But you have to hone in on your dating radar skills so you can sift through the riff raff and find your gem.Good luck. You'll be fine. Practice makes perfect =)
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm the poster. Thank you for the responses. I think I should clarify a bit. I'm actually not a serial dater. I can definitely see how that came across that way, but that came across different than how I meant. When I said I'm devistated, I meant by the news I found out today that my ex, as it turns out, wasn't faithful to me. Not devistated about the relationship ending. We weren't right for each other and I've known that for a long time now.
My ex and i broke up about 5-6 months ago. We took the proper time to heal and move on before we both got into other relationships.
I've had trust issues from the past and she always told me to use her as an example that some people out there really were legitimately good and had good intentions. I stayed her friend after we broke up because of this. But low and behold, she's a snake in the grass like everybody else. And clearly much better at it than the others because boy was I fooled! And I thought I'd gotten in a much better place emotionally after working on my trust issues for so long. That's why I started dating again. I thought I was ready. This just tears open an old wound that was almost healed.
I think you're right youwish. I must be attracted to some sort of behavior pattern that I'm not noticing. I'm gonna start really digging deep to see if I can't figure it out. Thanks again for the responses.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 March 2013):
 Hold on a second. If you have a pattern of dating people who are dishonest and cheat on you, then there IS a specific trait that's attracting you. You just might not know what it is, or it may present itself as something different before the "bad" side manifests itself.
I would suggest dating people you may not consider "your type" at first, because there's something about your type that has a weakness for dishonesty.
It's the same for other traits such as abusiveness. It may present as really passionate "all or nothing" thing where there's a lot of attention paid to you at first, then the controlling issues start showing.
You might want to analyze what attracted you to these people at first and figure out the common factor. It could be as innocuous as being mysterious, or being seemingly "too" good at being physical, or whatever.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2013): I think part of your problem is it seems like you are a serial dater! You are not even healed from your last relationship, even claiming that you are devastated, and you are already in another relationship?!? Why?!?
You are not ready to be in a relationship so soon! It just sounds like you use these relationships as band aids to cover up your feelings for the previous one...
Are you afraid to be alone? You need to heal, grow and learn from your last heartache BEFORE jumping into a new relationship. It will give you a perspective you never thought possible and will even make you more aware of what you are doing wrong and how you can do it better.
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