A
male
age
41-50,
*anitysoul28
writes:My mother passed away this year from cancer. She had been sick for 3 years and I had taken care of her. In the process, I hadn't given any consideration to my personal life or any of my own needs. Now that she's gone, I realize that I HAVE no personal life and the void of her loss combined with the specter of the holidays is throwing me into a very dark place.Anyway, at the same time a friend of mine revealed to me that she was unhappy in her current relationship. She's been in a long-term relationship with another friend of mine. She also revealed to me that she's been in love with ANOTHER guy for years, even though he screwed her over badly when they were together years ago. This other guy I've actually met here and there (she's still close friends with his family) and I understand why she would still consider him the love of her life. When they're in a room together the heavens seem to shine upon them, they have that much chemistry. This girl and I have a lot of fun together as friends, but this guy has her heart and the women swoon over him, he has that extra ingredient that I seem to always lack, that attracts women as lovers and not as just friends, that is leading to my desire to give up the search altogether.The problem isn't her exactly, though perhaps its partly because she has a lot of uplifting qualities that I would love to find in a partner and she is unavailable in many respects. The real problem is that in revealing to me her situation, she inadvertently brought to the forefront of my mind all of the hurt and anger that I've felt about my own situation for years. To hear that somebody could fuck up as badly as this guy did and STILL be the love of someone's life, could still be this girl's soul mate, has thrown me into despair. For a long time I've felt that I have everything to offer a girl, but they just don't seem to give a rat's ass, at least in the sense that I'm looking for. I'VE never been the love of someone's life. I have questions run through my head like, where do people find one another? Is it simply not in the cards that I'll find even someone's hand to hold? (I've been celibate for years too). So yeah, I'm jealous, not of the particular people, but the feeling. Knowing the pain of what my friend is going through has brought about pain of my own and I need some advice as to how I can just let go of all of these feelings before I self destruct?
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male
reader, rivi +, writes (23 December 2010):
First I do second the commendation of Mr Kermit's thoughts which are brimful with good ideas. But you knew that.
Second, don't get hung up on the apparent injustice of your female friend's doting on a guy who is not worthy of her or whatever. Don't go looking for or expecting logic to be the be all and end all of how or why X gets it together with Y. Instead of actually or mentally frowning at the stupidity, smile wryly in understanding and compassion for human frailty.
Don't waste any more time puzzling over why she has the hots for the 'unworthy' ( guy ). You're not going to change her attitude and meanwhile it is a distraction from meeting your own relationship needs.
Don't try and take on your friend's pain : for a start she does not seem to be anywhere near as down in the dumps as you; and to finish you have plenty of pain of your own which you need to deal with. Like in the 'plane safety demos : put on your own oxygen mask before trying help others with theirs.
Of course you will find someone's hand to hold : you are 20 something not 70 something or even 40 something. You have loads of time.
Did you ever come across a great comedy series from the '80s called 'The Golden Girls' ? It's out on DVD. It's not meant as a heavyweight guide to life but the comedy has held up extremely well and the general gist of it is that even ( in this case ladies / widows : divorcees ) of a certain age have every right to look for love and happiness - and they do ! with loads of bons mots and fun along the way. Treat yourself to the first couple of box sets for Christmas and report back after the holidays as to whether it didn't make you laugh in spite of yourself.
I second also the idea that you might get some benefit from a bereavement group, esp if there is one in your area which has some people from a similar demographic - there is so much cancer around now that your late mother's doctors and nurses might well be able to put you in touch with such a group, or if no group, maybe 3 or 4 similarly grieving souls who have been through the same experience. It can help to share feelings with those who have been through the same sad journey. Google 'bereavement group' combined with your city's name.
Apart from your youth, another reason I have no doubt you will find a suitable partner in due course is that the way you set out your issues provides a rare ( on this site ) example of someone with plenty of insight and intelligence.
There's heaps of masculine logic there, which, combined with the sensitivity which you either possessed already or which your years of caring for your mother have imbued you with, combine to make up a personality which many many women will find attractive.
As to how to meet up with them.... well.... my suggestion would be try the usual things people suggest : join some groups with interests you share - a book reading group ? a weekend country ramblers or mountain biking group ? could you do an evening class ( what work do you do by the way ? and where are you in the States ? ) in a foreign language with a view to planning a decent holiday next summer in a country which uses that language ? Do some gym workouts for one or two sessions a week.
These would all be good, productive ways to get you out of the house and force yourself to mix a bit.
Have dinner parties at home or at their places with long standing friends and maybe suggest they bring along a friend or co-worker you haven't met ( not just females - don't try too hard to pair off with the opposite sex just yet ).
Try an activity holiday somewhere in a different state or maybe in Europe. Somewhere you've never been - maybe there's a country or city you've always liked the idea of visiting : now is your chance. You have plenty of time before next summer to read up and research your destination.
If you have a faith doubtless you will be attending that church's Christmas celebrations ?
If not ( and I am an atheist but why should the theists have all the fun ? ) search out a Catholic or Episcopalian Midnight Mass this Friday night. It should be an uplifting experience, maybe an aesthetic one if there is a good choir ( are you near a cathedral? ) and if you get really lucky there could be a priest with an intelligent sermon - if you are impressed introduce yourself afterwards or on Sunday and maybe share and discuss all your issues. The priest won't mind you not being a church member ( if you are not ). Hell, s/he might be flattered.
As it often does ( albeit in your case sooner than for most ) life has dealt you this serious blow. It may be trite but at least your mother's Calvary is now truly at an end.
You are surely due some positive experiences now and I believe from all you have written you possess the inner strength to make the effort needed to grab hold of the good stuff which is coming your way.
Be gentle with yourself, and take your time.
Every best wish.
A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (23 December 2010):
Giving and recieving love is one of our primary needs, and for many people the need to give love is stronger than the need to recieve it. For the last few years your mother has been the focus of all of your love, care, compassion, and probably affection. Now that she is gone, you have lost the person you give most of your loving attention to, and most likely one of the people who gave you the most loving attention in your life.
This is a really big loss, and you will need to be kind to yourself and take care of yourself while you process this.
With her passing, you have this space in your life, that you are now looking to fill with someone else who you can love and recieve love from in return. I would start by putting yourself at the centre of that space. Learn again to focus on how loving you can be towards yourself. Remember that you have everything you need in your life, and are able to give yourself all the love that you need. At the same time, it is true that we are social beings, that we need loving relationships in our lives. Share whatever love you have with people in your life that you are close to, and they will share theirs. Doing this, and being more loving to yourself, will allow your love to grow.
The more your love grows, the more you reach a point where the right person will come along for you to give your love to.
You DO have everything to offer a girl, the problem is, how do they know? We live in very isolating times, part of the problem is being able to put yourself in situations where you can meet women and get to know them. Try a few different things, see what works for you. Some people go out to bars, some do activities like yoga or some form of excercise where you can meet people and start to have conversations. Put yourself out there and believe in yourself. The object is not for everyone to like you, it is for you to let the world know who you are, sooner or later someone will recognise the great qualities you have and snatch you up!
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (22 December 2010):
 superb good answer by Frank B Kermit. Full of empathy and very insightful practical common sense - 5 stars without doubt.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010): Hi
First i wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year.
I can't really offer much advice but through this dark place you will come out....we all travel there sometime in our lives for different reasons.
You dedicated 3 years of your life to helping your mother through illness, i hope you feel proud of this, the fact that you put your mum first. It is perfectly natural to feel empty after your sad loss.
You have many qualities to offer a lady who is right for you one day, but for now i would consentrate on treating you good...doing things for you...what you may not normally do.
Sorry i have not much advice to offer but i still say in time true soul mates/ lovers/ FIND each other quite naturally in the right time.
I wish you a very NEW special new year...always look for the rainbows...the world would have none,if the eyes had
no tears.
Spunky Monkey :)
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (22 December 2010):
 First, my condolence on the loss of your mother. I also helped care for my father in his last years and it was very draining. Holidays can be the worst.
Part of the pain you are in comes from "the new normal". Basically it is about adjusting to life without the person that has died. A major life change like this tends to have deep effects on people. One of those effects is for a person to re-prioritize what is important to them. For example, now that you are not pre-occupied by caring for your ill mother, you now have the time and energy to focus on other areas of your life that have been neglected.
I think part of the reason you are in pain is that it seems like such a daunting task to make changes in your love life so that you can find a life partner. Yes, it takes work, but it is possible. I had to work at it as well.
As for your female friend, she RESPONDS to that jerk that hurt her because he addresses certain emotional needs of hers that make her feel that "chemistry". That does not mean that she is emotionally healthy. It just means she responds to him. If the guy was as bad to her as you say, and she STILL responds to him that way, that is a sign of an emotional dysfunction.
I also want you to notice that since she can not have who she wants she does date anyways with who she can get. Most people that never date at all simply have too high standards for their actual skill level in being able to attract a person. Usually, most people just settle for what they can get. Very few stick to unrealistic standards and that usually masks a fear of intimacy. The creation of a means to have an excuse to stay away from sex and relationships to avoid the pain associated with them.
First, see if there are any support groups for bereavement in your area. Start there. Get a handle on dealing with your feelings of grief. At the support group you might make friends and meet new people that can relate to your pain.
Next, start thinking about what you value, what kind of lifestyle you can live (we all can fantasize of fame and fortune, but what lifestyle can you produce realistically?), what are your goals for the rest of your life...etc...
THAT is where you learn to start looking to meet new people.
For example, if you know that in 10 years you want a child and a life of living outside the city in a huge green space, that will give you an idea of the kind of life partner you seek. Based on that, you know you want someone that loves green spaces, and that might direct you to places like classes on green space preservation to meet potential mates.
Stay strong.
This holiday will be a rough one. Please hold on, and learn to deal with negative emotions.
This could also be the holiday season that you make decisions that can take your life in better directions.
-Frank
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