A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am seeing a man who I like a lot. I could go on and on about all the things we have in common, and what a great guy he is, but I am writing to you because I have a bit of an obstacle. I find it so incredibly difficult to get intimate with him! When he's not around I fantasize about kissing him, touching him, being close etc. I've even been on the verge of calling him over late in the evening because I am in the mood for more... But when together it's like I freeze up. This is a totally new experience for me, I've never been nervous about being intimate before. I was even nervous about kissing him! As a result, we only kissed for the first time last week, after having dated for around a month. I'm not planning on having sex just yet, but Im nervous about just holding his hand. It's crazy! Im 28 years old and nervous like a teenager. I thought about why this can be, and the only answer I can think of is that it must be linked to my ex. My ex had a bad period before we broke up where he was mentally ill, and couldn't stand physical contact. I had to ask permission to give hugs, and I couldn't just up and kiss him, he needed to approach me. Some days he was feeling so bad he couldn't even face me, wouldn't even meet me. Other times he could see me in the eyes, but I wasn't allowed to sit near him on the couch. I had to ask permission to sit close to him. I think that this pattern of behavior got stuck in my head without me realizing it, and now I act the same way around the new guy. I am sure the new guy wouldn't mind me sitting close, or me just kissing him, but I feel so nervous about just doing it, that it's been him initiating every move. I am wondering if anyone has any advice to give me, on how to overcome this? Just give it time? Should I talk to my new man about it and tell him about the ex and why I think I am this nervous/why I hold back? I don't want to give him the impression that I am a cold prude who doesn't like intimacy and physical contact, because I absolutely love it! But what do I do?
View related questions:
broke up, in the mood, kissing, my ex, period Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2014): I really would strongly advise you to either make some sort of small 'move' yourself - and keep doing this to 'break' the pattern that's been set in your mind due to your ex. OR you bite the bullet and just tell your new partner. The only problem I can foresee with the latter option is that, if he's still a bit uncertain about his feelings for you (and this in itself could be due to lack of intimacy on your part) then he may perceive it as a 'big' problem - a lot will be due to the way that you tell him and how he feels about you. If it's presented as something that you just need help with overcoming the first few times, then it will make it easier for him to help you. If you talk about it very deeply and as if it is going to affect the rest of your life forever, then it will possibly put him off.
|
