A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I got married eight years ago to a man i seriously thought was my soulmate. Shortly after our wedding he started shutting down sexually and left me wanting for more. Since that time i have had a few affairs, nothing that would threaten my emotional feelings for my husband but i did need a sexual outlet i wasnt getting at home. We have 3 children, 2 of which im sure are my husband's but the third im pretty sure is from a man i have had a long term sexual relationship with.My husband has not shown any signs that he is suspicious that she may not be his daughter, but the other man is certain that i had his daughter.Whenever he is over to our place he always takes great care of my daughter and would be an amazing father. I feel like I am cheating him of raising her if he is her father and may be cheating her of knowing her real father.Im not sure what to do as i do love my husband and dont want to lose him or my family. It would also hurt him to no end to find out his little princess is not his daughter.Is there any way to make everyone happy in this situation? What should i do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2013): For god's sake leave everything as it is. you will only complicate things by revealing who is the biological father and probably destroy your marriage. Let this be the skeleton in your coboard.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2013):
Making everyone happy is not the same thing as doing what is right.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 April 2013):
 Legally the man you are married to when you give birth is the father... It's the Lord Mansfield rule and whatever your state decrees is what the federal government follows.
so technically your husband is her father. the man who impregnated you is nothing more than a sperm donor legally.
bigger problem is you have your lover in your home regularly (based on what you have said) and around your children (and your husband I wonder)
and you are lying and cheating to your spouse.
NOT a good situation OP... if you love your husband and do not want to lose him...lose the lover...get a good shower massage or vibrator or dildo and be a true and honest wife.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2013): I disagree with some of these responses--why would your husband or daughter want to know?? They wouldn't!
I believe that sometimes, ignorance is bliss.
The only person worrying about it is you, which is your problem, because you put yourself in this situation. Don't upset your family because of it.
Maybe when your daughter is older (ie, 18), she should know...but not before then.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2013): You can't keep everyone happy in this case OP. You have to do what's right by your daughter.
You, your husband, your lover do not matter in this circumstance, you and your lover especially because of what you've been doing. No, your "needs" excuse doesn't cut it but that's a different story.
Forget what's fair for your lover, he knew what he was getting into and fairness didn't enter his mind when he decided to shag you behind your husbands back, a man who probably feeds him, welcomes him to his home as a friend and who decided not to wear a condom. He's irrelevant.
You need to get a DNA test as soon as possible and then you need to deal with whatever happens.
If you allow your daughter to find out when she's an adult that you let her grow up knowing she had a different father you will lose all your family, she will hate you with every fibre of her being. Her siblings aren't going to take too kindly to knowing what you did to their dad or how you lied to all of them while they grew up and that the "friend" of the families was taking you over the kitchen counter that their father was using to serve him food on as a friend.
If you allow them all to raised in this sham and they find out as adults that you not only fucked over their father but your daughter too, you'll have nothing OP. You'll lose everything and frankly if your lover is a liability too, it'll only take one moment of anger or weakness and he'll let it slip that he's the father, it'd only take him telling one friend for it to get out.
You need to deal with this now, if he is the father then the truth has to come out and you have to give your daughter the chance to grow up knowing who her father is. This is a forgivable act, lying to your children and especially your daughter until she's an adult will be a betrayal so severe it may break her.
Forget what you want and do what's right here, it's the only way to resolve this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2013): "Is there any way to make everyone happy in this situation?"
No, but then the only person who's happiness really matters to you is you and so you're looking for a way to have everything you want while avoiding the consequences of your infidelities.
"What should i do"
Think of your daughter and husband before yourself. They've done nothing wrong to have their worlds be torn apart should you be so selfish as to make an issue of her paternity. In my state a child born to a married couple is presumed to be the husband's and he is considered the legal father regardless of biology unless/until he signs an affidavit of non-paternity, assume other states have similar laws to protect husbands and children from vipers like you.
Your daughter is going to have enough problems growing up with such a self-absorbed, narcissistic, amoral mother. Don't rob her of the only father she's ever known in order to indulge your illicit soap opera fantasies. Lover boy will be hitting the road after tiring of you soon enough, just as all your other flings have.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (30 April 2013):
I think it'd be a horrible idea to get a DNA test done. If your child or husband found out they were not related it would be devastating to both of them. Your husband may not be perfect, but he doesn't deserve that.
Your lover knew what he was getting into and he can live with the consequences. If I was you I'd wait until your daughter was an adult before thinking about a DNA test.
Remember that blood relation PALES in comparison to a loving, caring emotional relationship.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (30 April 2013):
I'm almost positive you can even get DNA tests at the drugstore these days. If not, they're pretty easy to get a hold of.
I guess your "lover" comes over to your home at times??? A little strange to me, but I'm not trying to judge. Do the DNA test when he's over, let him know but I think this is something you'll have to keep from your husband. However, if your husband is NOT the father, you'll HAVE to tell him. It'll crush him, but you'll have to remember that that's the risk you took when you had an affair with another man.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (30 April 2013):
 A good starting point would be to find out for sure who the father is. You could have DNA tests done on all the kids to see if they share the same father. Testing kits can be ordered online. If all three are your husband's then you're not taking anything away from your lover.
There's a whole other issue with your marriage, of course. Do you really think it's appropriate to have your lover visit your husband's home?
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