A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I was married at age 21 and my husbands mother disliked me instantly as I was career minded, didn't want children straight away and didn't like shopping that much. Her opposite. Over the years she made it obvious she disliked me - giving me sour looks, turning her back on me physically at social occasions to exclude me and picking on pretty much everything about me. To add to this misery my father in law gradually started to join in - undermining put-downs regarding my family, my work etc and even spiteful comments regarding the way I looked on photos (in particular being too thin). During this time my self-esteem disappeared and my marriage suffered. My husband didn't ever seem to 'hear' any of it - even though he was in the same room. When he finally began to agree with me I had had enough of it all, was suffering from depression and cut all contact with them. Five years in my marriage was suffering, a lack of loyalty and various other issues such as terrible rows I began to see that my husband also had a controlling way - pretty much emotionally abusive. My Mum and Dad had always supported me in removing myself from the upset so far but when my marriage started to go wrong and I could no longer pretend otherwise (or wanted to - sick of the acting) they could not offer me the emotional support. My mother was so angry at me, so bitter and disappointed about it that it was almost like it was her marriage and not mine! Their resentment and inability to help me deal with it in a supportive way really kicked me - I was so down. My Mother could not even look me in the face for about 2 months and said "she was not going to simply sit and chat with me pretending everything was ok." I lost all trust and faith in them during that time and since have kept them at arms length. This infuriates them further because now I tell them nothing. I have a sister who has many issues of her own and has little time to listen to anyone else so I don't bother her with it.I'm still married but feel lonely and isolated. I also feel stuck in life in so many ways - I want to move my career on and can't, I have given up making an effort with my appearance. I have only a few friends none of which I am that close with, I keep everything in. I have been to counselling to help with the family side of things - this has helped a little but I cannot change the way they are and so I only get so far with it. How do I cope with all of this? I have tried several different things none of which have helped ME so far. My husband tries to listen to me but he said he just accepts his family will never like me - sad as that is. I get isolated at home while he goes off to various family events which me not attending is 'my problem'. At 35 with no children not wanting to bring a child into such a mess is making me hurt. Trouble is it doesn't seem it will go away and my life is passing me by. What should I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2008): I agree with Wiz.
Metaphorically, in my mind's eye I see you drowning beneath a totally non-supportive family on both sides. What I think you need to do is swim for the surface to breathe fresh air. That means leaving the whole lot of them behind while you get on and enjoy the rest of your life. Staying amongst this lot can only lead to further misery for you. Once you've made the decision to leave and taken the first few steps to strike out on your own, you'll find that life will suddenly take a turn for the better and the sun will come out from behind the clouds once more.
All you need is the courage and commitment to take that first step.
I wish you luck.
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