A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I'm having alittle girl trouble. My ex-girlfriend and I had been together for almost 4 1/2 years before she broke up with me this past november. I was devastated and fought and tried to show her that I could change. She said she broke up with me because I took her for granted and she didn't want to be in a relationship. This was 3 months before she left to study abroad for 5 months. I ended up taking her on a date and we ended up getting back togeter again about 1 month before she left. Everything was perfect, and she said she was so happy. Then the last time I saw her she was crying in my arms at the airport, getting ready for the 5 month study abroad trip. After she arrived at her destination we talked everyday and told eachother how much we missed one another. Then she started to call less and I started to feel something was up. When I tried to ask her about it she just told me she was experiencing new things and felt emotionally void. After that she told me she didn't think that she could give me what I wanted right now (a relationship). So she broke up with me again and told me she wants to find independence while she's away and that she wants to be with me again when she gets back. So I felt like this could be kind of a good thing, so I went along with it. I still treated her like she was my girlfriend, and tried to do nice things for her. I don't know what this caused but it seems to have had a negative effect. After I told her I feel alittle unappreciated, because I do nice things for her and don't get much back, she said she thought I was trying to be manipulative when I did nice things. Go figure. This is where things are getting weird, she told me again that she wants be with me when she gets back and she loves me. But I found out that she is starting to like one of her friends on her trip, and she hasn't told me yet. And her friends tell her she needs to tell me. But she feels bad about it. She told one of her friends she isn't trying to get in a long relationship with him, she just want to have fun while she's there. Then I found out that she thought it was unfortunate that we had made plans to go on some trips this summer, and that she doesn't know if its a good idea that she goes after we have already purchased the tickets. Just to throw this out there when we got back together before she left she wrote over 30 letters to me that her mom sends every week or 2 about how much she loves me and wants to be with me forever. When I get these letters they really throw me for a loop (I'm still getting them). I'm hurting bad because of this other guy issue, and wonder if she is going to tell me about it. And when she does, what is the best way to handle it. I know that after this there is a very small chance we will ever get back together again and I tend go in between whether its a good or bad thing. I mean I had been with this girl for 4 1/2 years, I thought she was my life, and we'd be together forever. I feel like I can't get over her even after the stuff that just angers me (the other guy). I don't understand how she could have such strong feelings for me before she left and just do this to me now. And what would be a good way to handle this situation. I'm sorry for making this so long, I'm just looking for a good answer. Thanks
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008): I'm in a somewhat similar situation. My girlfriend of 5 years (and one month) just told me that she doesn't love me anymore. I've been fighting it the last three weeks, but I think she's getting tired of me. I took her for granted, I returned half of her calls, I even forgot to send flowers this valentines day. I was going to deliver them in person, but she said forget it. Now that I cant have her, I want her mor than ever and she seems uncomfortable. I feel like everythig is falling apart. I wish I had treated her better, but I'm too late. I know what its like. I "Knew" i was going to marry her, and now i'm alone. My advice, talk to your parents and siblings. forget your friends, they'll only tell you what you want to hear. Your parents will be honest with you. they'll tell you that maybe it wasnt meant to be and she just noticed it first. they'll tell you to give her space, and open yourself to new opportunities. You wont want to hear it, but you'll need to. Take care of yourself, remember that there is always hope for good things to happen, whether your future is with her or someone else, good things will happen if you keep an open mind and do what you can to protect yourself from getting hurt. Good luck, I know I'll need it too.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your input. It has helped, although it is still hard. I called her last week and said given the situation, right now its hard for me to treat you like just a friend, because I want so much more. And I know thats not what you want, right now. I said I think it would be better for both of us if we stopped talking for awhile. I thought it would give her the chance to get everything she needed out of her trip, while I wouldn't dwell and read into our conversations anymore. Before calling her I thought she would just be like "YES" thats what I want, but instead she started crying, saying she wants to talk to me. She added what if you fall in love? So I explained to her I have no desire to fall in love or even date anyone right now, regardless of who or how good looking or amazing that person is. Right now in my life all I want is her back. It kind of sucks that all I want is her and she goes back and forth wanting me then not. Oh, I did ask her if she has liked anyone since getting there and she tld me, no. I don't know if she's lieing or really hasn't, but I do my best not to worry about it to much. Again Thank you
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2008): Hi Hunny,
This sounds as if she was looking for this study time away to have some fun and not be tied down love, It may be her choice but then it could be pressure from others that have gone also, Either way its messing with your head hunny. She wants to have fun and be single while away and have you there for when she gets back, Thats what it sounds like to me hunny, And the nice stuff you do that you stated she felt you were manipulating her maybe not so much manipulation as guilt on her part and this is the only way she can express your kindness as its all a little messed up at the moment and she really isnt treating you respectfully.. 4 1/2 YRS Is along time hunny and I do hope you can sort this out, But dont be a doormat sweetheart, We cant have our cake and eat it. Your either together or not and these letters just add to your pain, So sort it out with her love you wont be content and happy if you cant move on at the moment your just left dangling there...TAKE CARE WITH LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2008): I think that she does love you, she's just reached a point where she needs space. It happens. She might come back and realise she misses you and she loves you. But you might be resentful by then and realise that you can't forgive her. But right now, she feels a little suffocated and she just wants to be free and single but she's confused because she doesn't want to lose you either.
I know this isn't fair for you that she feels this way. I mean if I had a boyfriend who did that to me I would be very hurt and I would probably get the hint and move on. But really the only thing you should do is give her space and let her be free. Don't call her. Just let her go.
As for you, I would start seeing reality for what it really is. A person who truly loves you, will love you no matter how near or how far they are. Obviously she is confused and isn't loving you right now like you deserve. That's not something you should hold against her cause in a way its not really her fault and perhaps its just that your relationship has run its course. But what you can do is just let her be free. Furthermore, that is your best bet to get her to come back to you. Cause if you keep fighting for this even after she has made it pretty clear that she wants space and freedom, you may just keep pushing her farther and farther away from you.
And in the meantime, go about your life doing all the things that you like and want to do. Let her come back from her trip and see that you are not dying for her and that on the contrary you are doing really well. Start working out. Go out with girls yourself. Hang out with your friends. Go on your own trip. Try to find happiness without her. Women don't like men who are too dependent on them. So stop sulking, and be a strong person, and just accept that she has moved on for now, and do the same. Things will work themselves out when you least expect them too. Just accept that you are on your own right now (she's doing her own thing too right now!) so you do the same and make the best of it.
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