A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I'm really hoping someone can help me. Im facing the worst predicament I've ever had in my life. I'm 27 and have a very good job, I am exceeding in my career and facing a huge promotion in a few months time. I'm married to a very nice man and have a 3 year old son. Unfortunately, for the last 7 months, since my bosses, bosses boss, started working where I work, I become infatuated with him, to the point where I am now falling for him. I feel like a terrible person as I am married and he is married and has been with his wife for 45 years. He is 58. I liked him as soon as I saw him and now my feelings have become so strong, that I told him. He was shocked and told me he finds me very attractive both looks and personality but because of the age difference and the fact I have pets and a 3 year old, it will never work. Since the conversation, which took place 4 weeks ago, I have tried so hard to shut what I feel down but to no avail. I keep interactions with him to a minimum and I'm concerntrating so hard on my family and job. This is becoming torturous now, I notice him noticing me and I can't help but feel that he feels something for me too. There is also a possibility that because I am good at my job and very few people can do it, he doesn't want me to leave, which means not upsetting me. I don't know what to do. It is driving me crazy, I can't work properly and I'm not myself. I'm reaching the point now where I'm thinking of telling him that im falling for him and that if he isn't interested in seeing me, that I need to leave and get a new job. The problem is, I worked very very hard to be considered for this promotion and I won't get an opportunity like this else where, my job is very neshi but at the same point, my sick feelings are tearing me apart. Pleat help, thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2015): To female Anon. I know this isn't your post but I felt compelled to answer.She is still your mother.We are all human and make mistakes.We all deserve forgiveness.Maybe once you are older and have some life experience behind you, you will realize that there are reasons behind our actions. And sometimes we are not proud of them. And wish more than anything that we could take them back. Not everything is so simple. Sometimes things are very complicated.Your mom made a mistake or maybe the new man if she is still with him is a better match for her. This happens. Not every marriage is meant to last forever. She has been reaching out to you because you are her daughter. She loves you. She is crying because she loves you and wants more than anything in the world for her daughter to forgive her. Can you blame her for this?How would you feel if you wanted forgiveness from your mom for making your own mistakes and she would not forgive you? She decided never to talk to you again? And you kept trying and trying but she was done with you? It would break your heart, wouldn't it? Well let me tell you that a mother would never do that to you. Your mother would love you unconditionally and forgive all your mistakes. She would be there for you no matter what.Don't forget your mom made a lot of sacrifices for you. Her affair had nothing to do with how much she loves you. Her marriage to your father was in trouble in some way and it was up to them to fix it.I hope someday you don't have a daughter who sees you as dead. You will see how that tears you apart.Please try to find it in your heart to forgive your mom. At least talk to her and give her the opportunity to explain. Give her that much.Holding onto that kind of anger and bitterness only makes your heart black and eats away at you, nobody else. I think that if you were able to talk to your mom a big emotional weight would be lifted from both of you.People who cheat are not bad people. They just make bad choices. It is not black and white. At least talk to your mom. Give her that much. You are judging her without knowing all the facts. There is so much you don't know. You don't have her side of the story. And I am not sure what you dad is telling you but he is telling you his side without her being there to defend herself.Think about it long and hard.Never to see your mom again your whole entire life. How sad. What a shame. And it says a whole lot about the person you are. A cold, unforgiving young woman who is going to go through life with a lot of hate and bitterness in her heart. You don't want to be this way.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2015): Sorry but cheating on your husband is a terrible idea, even more so since you have a kid together. How could you even consider betraying your family like that? When your child grows up and finds out that you cheated on their dad, he/she will never respect you for breaking up your family and hurting their dad.
I know this because that's what my mom did to my dad and I will always resent her for hurting my dad. I had to live with my mom after they divorced and I HATED her. When I turned 18 I moved in with my dad and I haven't spoken to her since, and I'm now 20. My mom tries to get in contact with me but I will never forgive her. She cries about it a lot but that's her problem for ruining my childhood.
My advice, don't do it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2015): I get it. But you can shut it down. You have a choice. Your feelings do not run you. You run them.A little time and distance is all you need for them to fade away. Because they will.The only way you can shut it down is to seek work elsewhere. I know it sounds drastic but this is what you must do.If not that, you must keep all contact with him to a minimum and just keep a happy and professional demeanour at all times. You should never have told him how you felt. You should have kept it to yourself. No good could ever have come of telling him something like that. Clearly he is happy being married to his wife and is not in a position where he is seeking out an affair. You put yourself in a bad position. You are in a professional setting. You are there to work. Not try and land a guy, a married guy of all people! A man in a position of authority! You have gotten yourself into a predicament but you CAN TURN IT AROUND. It is not too late.Let me tell you from experience that he won't leave her. IF HE WAS OPEN TO IT AND HE IS NOT... You will just be some new piece of meat he is banging on the side. You will lose your husband, your family, your job, your own self respect, the respect of others and you will wish you never crossed that road to begin with.You don't have to live with regret if you choose the right path.These situations never end well.So get rid of those feelings in any way you have to. YES it IS POSSIBLE when you make a CONSCIOUS CHOICE TO DO IT. You are not helpless. Then focus all of your time and energy on your own HUSBAND and YOUR SON!!!! Don't be so selfish and so stupid!!!!Spice it up with hubby. Do something to rekindle the flame. Obviously you are feeling neglected at home. Things have gone stale. You are seeking affirmation outside your marriage instead of looking for affirmation within your marriage. This is wrong. Fix what isn't working. Looking for the ego boost elsewhere is going to ruin your marriage. What a dead end street you are on. A highway to hell.TRUST ME. I KNOW. I HAVE BEEN THERE.This man is a good man it seems. Leave him alone. Leave his wife alone. You have your OWN HUSBAND.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answers. I do feel terrible and I've never been in a situation like this before. It is torturous for me as I know I am lucky to have what I do have, which is why I find my feelings are very confusing. I wish I could just not feel anything at all for my bosses boss and feel what I should for my husband. I feel like an absolute fool and the thought that I make him feel uncomfortable is awful. I just don't know how to shut it down.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 March 2015):
 First off your math is wrong. He can't be 58 and married for 45... Unless he got married at 13.. Just had to put that out there.
Second of all this isn't LOVE you are talking about, but infatuation and well, borderline obsession.
The whole "It's a no-go because you have pets and a small child" - that was the NICEST way he could muster up to tell you he IS NOT interested in ANYTHING with you. He isn't giving you looks because he LIKES you back, he is worried that you are some kind of bunny boiler.
YOU have already told him once and he turned you down, don't make yourself look like an obsessed nutter by telling him again.
How about you go out on dates with your hubby? SPEND more time WITH him and WORK on your marriage? OR you leave you hubby, become a single woman and then you can date (other single people).
Last but not least WHY would you want to cheat? Who would you want to go chase after a married man? LET ALONE your bosses boss?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2015): Thought it seems complicated, in fact it's rather simple! The fact that you are married and a mother, does in reality not change the basic issue i.e. getting emotionally and sexually involved with somebody at work. Even worse: your boss! Whatever way one likes to spin this, it is 100% guaranteed a recipe for disaster. In your case a multiple disaster. Your reputation at work is at stake and you become potentially exposed to (emotional) blackmail from anybody finding out. In addition you are in the process of destroying the harmony of your family. My advise: if it's stronger than you, seek immediately professional help in order to calibrate your emotional compass. Good luck! (Sorry for my English, It's a foreign language for me)
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 March 2015):
 OP you say "I am married to a very nice man"
wow... do you LOVE your husband?
you say that the boss of the boss of the boss (the guy you have a crush on) is married and has already made it clear that an affair won't work you have pets and a small child and he's not interested in that.
so you told him how you feel and you hoped he would cheat on his wife with you as a little something on the side?
what about your husband?
get your marriage in order then figure out what you want to do.
cheating is never a good option
dating people at work is never a great idea
and going after an older married boss to scratch an itch you have... not a good idea.
since you WANT the job... you have no choice but to let the idea of being this guy's play toy out of your head.
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A
female
reader, lions go rawr +, writes (19 March 2015):
Don't cheat on your husband and child. You will ruin your future. This man obviously isn't willing to leave his wife, so the most you could ever be is a mistress. But being a mistress would also make you a cheater. Do your really want that? Just because you might be able to abuse your position to get what you think you want, doesn't mean you should take that gamble. Plus, that's sexual harassment if your boss doesn't agree to your carnal demands. If you really can't get over your boss, then quit. The promotion be darned. Family and fidelity is more important, and your husband would agree if he knew. But you probably don't want him to know, and could make an excuse of being treated poorly as a reason for quitting. You have only two options: cheat, or don't. In the end, it's your choice.
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