A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a 32 year old male and i have been married for seven years and have a son. Like all marriages we have had our ups and downs but i feel that my feelings for my wife are not as strong as they should be. Over the past two years i have developed very strong feelings for another women who i work with and care for deeply she feels the same way although she to is married with three children. We have been meeting each other descreatly over the last three months she has said she feels the same way but does not want to hurt anyone we both know this is wrong but we cant stop how we feel for each each.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2007): This happens all the time. Why give such advice? These two lovers are wrapped up in the moment. They are in lust. The affair will eventually fade away. Whether they get back together with their respective spouses will depend on the strength of their marraiges. Maybe it's time for each of them to move on, maybe not. There's a lot more to the two stories than has been told. I don't think advice can be given at this point. Are the marraiges, "sexless"? Has one of the spouses become obese and/or unattractive? Does anyone have a personality disorder? I just don't think we have all the facts to give advice. . .
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2007): I am not saying you should stay in your marriage & stay miserable for ever because you promised it. But you don't go off with some other woman while you're married. That's like having your cake & eating it too. I think if you're not in love with wife, tell her & get a divorce, don't cheat. At least be separated before you see another woman. How do you think your wife would feel if she knew you had sex outside of your marriage, then came home & had sex with her? I would want to kill a guy if he did that to me.
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A
male
reader, jaybers68 +, writes (9 August 2007):
Oh boy, been there, done that too.I'm saddened and disgusted by all the negative responses, there always has to be a good outcome, it may take time but it can be found.If you don't love you wife then you'd be lying to yourself by staying. If you stay out of pity, duty and guilt then yet again you'd be lying to yourself. You will always have to live with YOURself for your whole life, so you have to be true to you. You'd also be lying to your wife by staying in a loveless marriage as it would appear too with your lady friend.You could of course sacrifice yourself and your happiness 'till you're dead to keep a promise you made that's no longer true.It's about self esteem, you seem to have lost yourself where you are but you may also not find yourself where you're heading either.I'd suggest you spend some time alone,away from the whole situation with neither 'till you know yourself and needs better. You'll get a lot of hate mail from bitter people for running away but you'd be no use to anyone or worse, yourself, until you know yourself. Being married and in an unhappy situation(which is where you're at right now) is the best way to lose who you are, FIND YOU FIRST.Finally two things 1 LIFE WITHOUT HAPPINESS IS DEATH 2 LIFE WITHOUT TRUTH WILL END UP KILLING YOU.
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A
female
reader, redcurls1982  +, writes (9 August 2007):
get over yourself... you made a commitment to your wife and you should honor that. if you can't then get a divorce but if you aren't able to stay faithful to your current wife, what makes you think you can stay faithful to the other woman. also, if you get a divorce, she may not and you will be left with nothing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2007): Get divorces, and don't get re-married because it's obvious neither one of you gives a sh*t about the sanctity of marriage. You're really selfish, and low, and she is too. Do you really want to be with a women who has 3 children that cheats on her husband? What makes you think she wouldn't do that to you? Your wife & her husband deserve better, so do them a favor & come clean with this affair so that they may have options besides being totally humiliated & decieved behind their backs. It's a shame.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2007): I cannot believe how selfish you are being, even though both your partners don't know [yet] have you any idea how hurt they will be? You married these people and made a commitment to stay faithful and you haven't. You should of talked to your wife and told her how you felt instead of just going off with someone else.Problems cannot be solved if you don't tell the other person what's going on! You both should divorce your spouces as they deserve to be happy and find someone who does love them. I think it is very selfish of you as your wife is still being faithful and yet you decide to go off with someone else.What goes around comes around.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2007):
She is married with 3 children you are married with a son, You no longer love your wife so your living a lie that she is blind to... Nothing more painfull being made a fool of by the very one who is supposed to love you.....
The truth would be the best way... All the sneaking around is just a cowards way out of sorting this mess out, your wife needs to no the truth as does your friends husband.... And just a thought if you do leave your spouses and your lady friend has three children will she be leaving them or will they be part of the package as its not going to be so quiet for you to spend such quality time together then....plus there is your son which makes four. Is it easy when your spending time alone decieving your partners whom I presume you both loved at some point.
As a little down the road when you have made the right decition and told your partners and are living with all her children who will be heart broken at leaving there father and paying for your son and dealing with the hurt that this is obviously going to cause for everyone in both familys do you think life is going to be better or will you both get bored again and meet other people to make you feel better again, Trust!!!! will you both be able to trust each other as you will no you are both capable of cheating and lying..... The possibilitys are endless... If your not happy tell your poor wife the truth and stop making a fool of her do the right thing for all your family.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2007): You and your married lover are both acting out your unhappiness in such a desperate, selfishly needy ways. How sad and really quite weak of you two. I believe you when you say that that 'things aren't as strong with your wife anymore'. Does that mean you do not love her or you still love her but something is missing? If it is the latter, then what I could be understanding here here, is a married man, who took a "me-me', cowardly path to finding a balm for his own lonely, sad feelings. I also believe that you don't know how to resolve your loneliness. If emotional intimacy is missing between you and your wife, it's just not and never was 'only' her responsibility. You got lazy, too. So now all I have to state is..if you're taking risks outside the marriage, why not take more risks within your marriage? Start by dropping the mistress. All you have in her, is a lonely woman who'll jump into bed with a married man, at the drop of a hat to soothe her pain. She is weak-she is not a person of courage and integrity, if those qualities mean anything to you. And what about you? Do you possess the strength to look beyond your wants and needs are, to view your wife in a new way? And really look at where your wife is...she's at home making the best of this situation, raising your kids and trying to be a good Mom to them. And where are you? Off having your fun with another married woman. One way to to find your way back to your family, is start sharing your feelings of loss, desperation and loneliness with your wife. You could talk about how you feel about yourself, the direction of your life, and what you feel you need from a life companion in the future. Your wife may have a few things to tell you, too..that she wants. Get this all out on the table with your wife and make a decision. Listen to each other. Then make a decision. One suggestion I have is intensive marriage counseling with emphasis on Either re-commit to your marriage or get a divorce. But please don't make your suffer through the 'indignity'of knowing you divorced her because of another woman. If you can't love your wife, then get a divorce and spare her the pain which will allow her to keep her self-respect and worthiness intact. She'll need that to move on.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (8 August 2007):
 How can I be more blunt than...
You are already hurting your families. Don't hide behind a cowardly excuse to justify your deception, i.e. we don't want to hurt anyone by coming clean. If the two of you could see beyond your self-absorbed existence then you would recognize that the emotional disengagement from your families began long before you hooked up.
Your families have been suffering from the effects of your disengagement for months now. At this point, any further choices will either contain or maximize the damage. For the sake of your children I hope you can rise above your selfishness to contain the damage.
If you can't, then the two of you deserve each other. Neither of you has the strength of character to provide loving and stable environments for your children. How sad for them.
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A
female
reader, love-him +, writes (8 August 2007):
 Hi, i suggest you be together. You are cheating on your wife and she is on her husband. This isnt fair, and it isnt fair on the child. Get divorced.
Hope i helped
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A
male
reader, somewhat_anonymous +, writes (8 August 2007):
Yep, it's obvious. You should never have started another relationship without ending a previous one first. Marriage is a commitment. End it officially before jumping into something else. The mistress too.
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A
female
reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (8 August 2007):
 then you have to choose to be together and tell youre loved ones or stop seeing each other you cant live lies it will only hurt them more and youreself if you decide to give it up xx A
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (8 August 2007):
 Get divorces. Get married. It's better than hiding all the time.
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