A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi allI have a huge dilemma and I desperately need help. I'm a 38-year old woman, my husband is 45 and we have been married for 10 years. My hubby is a wonderful man and we've been very happy together. A couple of years ago we began talking about getting a summer house abroad as we have a lot of friends in one particular country where we've spent many holidays over the years, and afer I received an advance inheritance from a relative we decided it would be great to invest in a house there. So we bought a house and our local friends were very happy about it. In short, I was living the dream; a nice job, a good man, a summer house.In that town where our house is located, we have loads of friends. One of them is this guy (I'll call him G) whom I've had a huge crush on ever since I met him 4 years ago. He's incredibly kind, very smart and sweet and a great friend (and extremely handsome). He and I began flirting at once, innocently, just smiles and gazes, but it was attraction at first sight. It was just a little something extra to make my visits even happier, but a year ago things changed. After our holiday in June 2012 I found myself thinking about G all the time. I had fantasized about him previously from time to time, but suddenly he was the only one I fantasized about. We had been keeping contact online every now and then, but I began writing to him more and more frequently and the tone of the writing got more and more flirtatious and borderline inappropriate. G replied with the same intensity. We chatted about everything, except neither of us never mentioned my husband or his wife.Soon he was all I could think of. I thought about running away with him, all sorts of insane ideas went through my head on a daily basis. I was constantly hungry for sex (usually we'd been having sex about twice a week and suddenly I was ripping his clothes off five times a week) well, my husband didn't really mind the extra attention but what he didn't know was that I was always thinking about G when we had sex. I missed him like crazy and looked at pictures of him every day, crying and yearning, looking for any excuse to chat with him. This went on for a year and then a bit over a month ago we travelled to our house. I was so anxious to see G I couldn't concentrate on anything else. He was out of town for a week and when he came back we were hosting a garden party he attended alongside all of our other mutual friends. His wife didn't show up which wasn't surprising as I had heard that their marriage was in serious trouble.Anyway, at the party I went to bed early as I was tired. I woke up around 3 am and found the house quiet, assuming everyone had left. i found a note saying that my husband and some of our friends had gone to someone else's house to continue the party. When I got to the kitchen G was there, still awake. So we were alone. We talked for a while and drank coffee, making jokes and smiling and flirting. Sitting there I looked at G and realized I had fallen in love with him. It felt so scary and terrible, and also so wonderful and tempting. When we got up and he was supposed to get ready to go home, G just suddenly pulled me to him and started kissing me. We kissed for a long time and I got so turned on I actually had an orgasm just by kissing him. We went into the bedroom and continued the kissing in bed. We kissed and fondled each other, very gently, not taking any clothes off, keeping it as "innocent" as possible for probably over an hour. It felt so good, I had never been so full of emotions and so turned on in my life. We hadn't touched each other's privates at all until G pulled my top up and while sucking on my nipples he fingered me. I was so ready at that point so G touched my clit maybe for a minute and I had another intense orgasm. Then as he tried to take my knickers off to go down on me, I stopped him, told him I couldn't do it. Reality kicked in big time, and I got up and left. I was ashamed and shaky and yet so hungry for G, I hesitated, wanting to go back to the bedroom for more. But I managed to keep myself in the guest room and when I finally fell asleep and then woke up, G had left.After that night I didn't see him at all during that trip and I haven't spoken to him since either. I feel so guilty and dirty and ashamed but at the same time I miss G so badly and I want him more than ever, I think about him all the time. I never thought I would be so weak as this and give into my emotions and let another man touch me. Although I interrupted the sex there was sex and it was cheating, I was cheating on my husband, and G was cheating on his wife. Luckily none of us have kids, that would make things even worse. But nevertheless I feel so horrible and confused, I have no idea what to do. I don't think I can ever get over this mistake, and I don't want to be in love with another guy but I am.What am I supposed to do? Please help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2013): This is what you need to focus on:
"My hubby is a wonderful man and we've been very happy together."
If this was not so, it would be a totally different answer, however, he is a wonderful man, and that should be recognised and rewarded.
Deciding whether to tell your husband or not, to come clean and purge all of this away and start fresh, is your decision alone, and it may have consequences which could end your marriage. Either way, it will end everything as you have known it, because what your husband assumed to be the case, that you were equally faithful as him, is not true, so ... things will never be the same.
However, if you decide not to tell him, and want to continue in the marriage, then you have to close the Chapter on G, anything else is madness and your life will be upside down for as long as you allow it.
Closing the Chapter on G means: cut off all contact - no more emails, texts or any other forms of contact. When you are at your holiday house, avoid inviting them (him and wife) and if it will be too obvious, then if they have to be part of your circle there, avoid him. Never allow the two of you to be together again, and never allow thoughts, feelings or anything else opportunity - if you want to keep your husband and be happy in your marriage! That is after all what you promised when you took your vows - forsaking all others.
There WILL always be other guys to look at, to meet, to get to know, to be friends with - but you have chosen your HUSBAND as the ONE for life. So invest EVERYTHING of yourself and your life in him. Make time for him, fall in love all over again with him. He deserves it.
G has his own problems to sort out - he was willing, he contributed to it, and in turn, he is having marriage problems. You do not want that, and you will lose a good man. Never accept contact from him again. The only one who deserves your time, thoughts, actions and dreams is your husband.
I always find it so sad when a good person has a partner who succumbs to temptation and thereby risking a precious thing.
You will probably get irritated over my opinion and advice, I have heard it before from a friend who I tried to help. However, in time they too found reason with what I said. Imagine G ends his marriage for good, and comes with his bags packed chasing after you - are you ready to quit your marriage with your wonderful husband, and assume a relationship with G? Because encouraging any further communication is what it will or could lead to. If you do think like that, then leave your husband - he deserves much better than that and should be given the opportunity to have someone worthy. If however, you don't want to lose your marriage, then you know what you have to do.
Do the right thing!
Forgive yourself, promise yourself to do better, and vow to yourself to treat your husband better, and right... then do it and make the remaining years of your life the best ever. Spend the rest of your life making your husband proud of his wife, his marriage, and the future...
Wishing you complete happiness, in your marriage! Praying for peace for you, and that you can put G out of your mind, and your husband in your heart, mind and soul forever.
Good Luck
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2013): Oh Lust, thou art a ruthless bitch. And you my dear are making a huge mistake to build a "fantasy" life with a cheater. His wife and him are having problems because he can't be trusted. Who knows how many other women he's dabbled with over the years of his marriage and how many more there will be if you become his wife. You need to cut off all contact. What if this was your husband (back when you knew you had a good thing and still loved him) how would you feel if he'd been playing around with another woman? You would be devastated! Back up, rewind, and move back toward a more exciting relationship with your husband. Over time you will stop obsessing over G and you'll be glad you did. He's a player. Don't fall for that crap. You know what's really sexy? It's the man who recognizes there's an attractive woman he admires but he does NOTHING because he loves his wife and outs her first even after the "new" is gone. Good luck.
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