A
male
age
36-40,
*YU24
writes:Hi dear frnds. now my story is bit complicated. its been 6 months we are together, the girl is engaged but not officially, like there were only talks between the 2 families, no ring ceremony happened. so technically gal is single. we have been together, enjoy each other company and love each other, now the problem is jsut recently the gal told me her wedding is in next 3 months which came as a huge shock n surprise to me cuz she had told me her wedding is in 2012 dec and a month ago she said she is worried cuz of her wedding talks are going on at her hom and she said, its too early to get married now and she is not ready and now all of a sudden she says she is happy. now this gal of mine is very scared person. she is doing all this for her parents happiness and she dont care about her happiness, thats how she is. i truly love her and told her million times to be positive, we could be together, just trust me, before she said im trying and all even said she is falling for me but is too scared to love me becoz of her engagement. still now she loves me but doesnt say it, i dont wanna let her go this time, i really wanna make her mine but how the hell should i make her understand that she has to open up n talk to her mom atleast bout me, i told her ill b always dere for u and il try till the end but she still is not ready to talk to her mum and says she is happy...plz tell me what to do and how to make it work, i want her my whole life.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2011): Dear CHoco: hmmm, thanks. really appreciate your help hun. so at the moment this is the stance i have for her lets hope it works out and all i can do is wait but i hv seen the love for me in her and thats why i wanna marry her bit she is scared
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (27 August 2011):
I'm glad you've decided to accept her decision with respect and maturity. I know it's very difficult to do, but I think you did the right thing and wish you the best of luck.
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A
male
reader, RYU24 +, writes (26 August 2011):
RYU24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Choc for your reply.well you replied so late that i couldnt get a chance to tell you that since last few days, i have changed my stance and i hurtfully accepter her decision from my mind not from heart. I told her, know this in this whole world there is someone happy just cuz ur happy and i tol her, i hope, he loves u more then i love u cuz my love for u is endless and he should know this that he is very lucky to have you becoz ur special and precious lil thing and i said, rememeber, this heart will always love you and always wil be dere for you. so now i have left it all on GOD and from my side im just using another trick now which is to show her much more love so she knows how lucky she is that someone loves her like crazy and also i mean it when i show love for her. i would like to thank you for your comments, really appreciated and you have beena good help too. thanks and plz keep it coming :)
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (26 August 2011):
well I think this is already 'the end' because she has said she wants to pull out of this relationship. You refusing to accept it and continuing to pursue it, is now crossing a line and probably won't change her mind.
I know it's hard for you to accept that she does not want to call off her wedding and be with you, and you believe that she loves you even though she says she doesn't.
But whether or not she really loves you is not the point now. She could very well love you, but the point is that she has decided she doesn't want to stop her wedding from happening, for whatever reasons. And if she's made her decision, you should show her respect by accepting it and not be pressuring her to do what you want.
Refusing to accept her decision isn't demonstrating love for her, it's not impressing her or making her want you more. I highly doubt she's just playing hard to get and wanting you to pursue her more to prove yourself. It would be different if she said, "I want to tell my mom but I'm afraid, so please help me"...if that was the case then it's perfectly fine to suggest to her how to talk to her mom. but that's not what she's saying. Instead she's saying "I've decided that it's in my best interest to go ahead with the wedding which means I'm deciding to not be with you." So that's totally different and you should respect her wishes even though you don't like her decision.
I agree that it's not a good idea for her to go along with her wedding and for being so afraid to talk to her mom. She will in due time suffer the consequence of her poor choice, which is she may end up unhappy in her marriage. But that is for her to handle and decide what to do. If at a later time she suffers the consequence of her poor choice, she may then have enough internal motivation to correct her path such as by getting divorced and then being truly free to be with you.
But for now, if she's made her own internal calculations and decided that it's less uncomfortable for her to go ahead with the wedding, then she has every right to make that decision and it's inappropriate for you to try to be an obstructionist in someone else's life which is what you would be if you continue to pressure her because now it will be pressuring her against her will. And it probably wouldn't change her mind anyway because she's not ready to do what is uncomfortable so if you add to her discomfort it probably wont' change things in your favor....
So I think you should accept and respect her decision and start trying to move on from her. If you want you could still try and persuade her, but I would suggest that you take a softer stance and not be as militant and controlling in your approaching. Instead you should take the stance (and mean it) that you do respect her decision but are hoping she will change her mind. That's different from your previous approach which is basically telling her that you do NOT accept her decision and will force the issue as much as you can. This second approach is probably not going to help your case. The first approach still may not help your case but it probably has a better chance.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2011): Choholic: thanks for ur reply, just day before yesterday, i planned to not text her the whole day and i manage it but then late nite around 12.30 she tex me, said where ru lost? so i replied a bit late and said was buzy this n dat so we talked a bit and she said she is hving high fever so i showed concern to her. yesterday we were talking and again i showed my desire of wanting her and i told her now i have left everything on God and if u were in by fate so i will get u toh said ok wid a smily face then we talked and she said i don love u n hv no feelings for u, i said ur lying that cant be possible becoz i know u do love me. i told her make me believe u dont love me n il stop loving u so she didnt replied to that n i askd somthing else so she said can u plz stop talking bout this so i said ok. now thing is, i wanna go till the very end until the day she doesnt gets married to me. i even tol her il go till the end and wont quit on u until u get married to me. the reason she is sacred to tell her mum becoz her wedding is withing the family, his cousin. so ofcourse her whole family will get to know bout it that she loves somone else n dont wana mary her cousin so thats very big step n only a brave gal can take this step but she is so negative al the time n scared to death that she thinks its just imposible. where as i always give her hope n tell her to stay positive.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (23 August 2011):
well, you can ask her why she's so afraid or reluctant to tell her mom that she doesn't want to marry that guy.
dont' pressure her to talk to her mom. Instead, just ask her what she's feeling and thinking, without criticizing or making judgments or protesting.
Probably there are reasons she's reluctant to tell her mom, because it threatens her sense of security to rock the boat with her parents. Or, part of her may secretly actually want to proceed with the wedding for whatever reasons.
either way, she's in a state of ambivalence, and so you shouldn't pressure her or it may tip the scales against you. But at the same time it's not fair to you either for her to mislead you, if she is doing that.
So I would say that you should just ask her a lot of questions about how she's feeling, what she's thinking, and without imposing any of your desires for an outcome on her. But use this to gather information so that you can make decisions for yourself as to how long you will continue to be with her.
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A
male
reader, RYU24 +, writes (22 August 2011):
RYU24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionguys why arent u all answering :( need ur help fella'ss
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A
male
reader, RYU24 +, writes (20 August 2011):
RYU24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your replies, really appreciated, now to answer your opinions.
chocoholicforever: I wont say she is destined to get married wid her but her parents has decided for her that she will get married to someone within the family. before she told me her wedng date is yet changed again and is after 3 months. she used to tell me, if she got in love wid me like madly so she will talk to her mum and she said her mum will get upset n all for few days but she will get over it and once mum agreess dad is no problem then but now she says its only 3 months left for the wedding so she is hell scared to take this big step. i dont know why she dont has the guts to tell her mum. now i dont wanna just leave her behind without trying out my luck. i wanna go till the end and to see if it will work out or not. I told her if u cant talk to ur mum then im ready to talk to her so she said No, plz dont ruin it for me and she said we allways will b frnds??????
Kyle: Bro, she once told me her fiance see very boring this n that so i think thats the reason she started liking me when we became frnds and i never meant to love her, cuz in the very starting she told me that her parent has found da one for her for her wedding and the talks has already been done but i think when we started talking, i made her feel special, i cared for her and these r the things she expected from her fiance but she didnt got that from him so thats how she tuk huge risk to come and meet me several times. then we finally fall in loved wid each odr, she is just scared to tell me. we even used to talk about our future as how we will get married and how many babies we will hv n their names the cute talks. i never had any wrong intentions for her. uptil now i hv make her feel very comfortable when around me. we nvr hv kissed nor touch each odr except for few times when we were together n just trying to touch each odr hands like showing somthing in the mobile n stuf.. i know she loves me but she is scared.......i told her all this that this is the reason u started talking to me despite u being engaged not officially but still. so she i said, i dont know what to say??? then i said after a month im sending my parents at ur place for our wedding talk, just wanted to see her reaction so she said, ya ryte, then she didnt believed me, then she sad ur mad n stuff so its very complicated and mate i wanna tryout my luck. yesterday i told her that u know i love u n care for u so ill use al my options to try out my luck n see if we will end up together or not and i said unlike some people i dont wanna regret my whole life, saying that, i wish i cud hv done this or that at that time so she said, lovvvv plzz don say this....plz stop!!
so now you all tell what to doooooo. thanks again.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (20 August 2011):
So basically you and her are in a relationship but she is destined for an arranged marriage in the near future, is this correct?
She has to decide what marriage means to her and what her plans for her life are. If she proceeds with the arranged marriage, that means that she cannot be with you. Is she willing to do that?
basically I think all you can do is talk to her and encourage her to decide what she wants to do with her life, and to let you know of her decision so that you can move on with your life if she decides to proceed with the wedding. If you allow yourself to continue this relationship with her despite her continuing to proceed along the path toward marriage to someone else (because she's unable or unwilling to make a decision one way or the other), you may be setting yourself up for a lot of pain and heart break.
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A
male
reader, Kyle007 +, writes (20 August 2011):
Your relationship is founded on a betrayal of her significant other. And she does not love you enough to break off the engagement.You need to get out of the picture. Period. She is getting enough attention as it is. What are you going to do? Have an affair with you after she is married?With you out of the equation, complicating things, she will be able to see that her fiance (the one who should be her sole love interest) alone is not enough to make her happy. She will more likely break off the engagement because of that. If you care about her, let her work it out herself. I can NOT guarantee that she will run to you, but if it winds up that way, it will be more cleanly than things have been going.What has been the status quo is wrong, not for just the reasons you think, but because it is wrong for you to be involved in this matter at all.
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