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male
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anonymous
writes:I think I am going insane.I have been dating a girl who I met online, she is 16 and I am in my late 20s. Our problem is, we live 300 miles apart. She lives in Scotland and I live in England, yet I have travelled up to see her as often as possible. The hardest part is when I leave her in tears as we say goodbye.We speak on the phone constantly and on MSN, so there are many tears with flow, I am just as bad.I love her more than anything, I gave her an engagement ring on 12th July, so today is our month anniversary.There are a few other problems also, her parents are a firm believer that people with an age difference cannot be in love. They have met me, but hated me.They are unaware we are still in contact and would hit he roof when she finally tells them we are together.I just dont know what to do.I would like to move up there, but the area is relatively undeveloped, so there are not many employment prospects there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know all about her past, I have been the one person she could talk to about it, as she trusts nobody.
I am prepared to stand back and wait, she knows I will wait forever if I have to.
All I want is to make her happy, love her unconditionally and support her eternally.
I will do anything for her and am going to treat her like a princess for the rest of my life.
I know how much we love eachother, its easy for people to look in and say its wrong, but they dont know us as a couple, or the circumstances.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2006): "She cannot have any respect for them if they do not respect her". Just remember dear, when one acts honorably, one receives respect. Your gf could have a history of being hard to manage for her parents. Has it occurred to you she may have done something that has made her parents untrusting of her? After all, you are only hearing your gf's side of this family situation. To me, it It doesn’t sound like her parents are rejecting her or treating her horribly. It's called tough love, hun and they likely are setting boundries with her and keeping close tabs on her. It sounds like they are parents without any idea of how to handle her rebellious nature and are very fearful for her. I still stand by my original posting..but I need to add, you may be just a 'way out' for this girl. I still think you should back off from this family 'drama' as you may be just compounding the problem. I feel Malyce is right when she says, this girl and her family need counseling to repair some damage that has been done, in the past. Step back for awhile and allow this family to have the space to get this straightened out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2006): This is in response to WildThang's well thought out response.
Please check out: health and fitness on sympatico about an article that is influenced by a paper that was published in in the August issue of the journal Pediatrics.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2006): This is in response to WildThang's well thought out response.
http://healthandfitness.sympatico.msn.ca/News/ContentPosting.aspx?newsitemid=278321056&feedname=CP-HEALTHSCOUT&show=True&number=5&showbyline=False&subtitle=&detect=&abc=abc
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2006): This is in response to WildThang's well thought out response.
http://healthandfitness.sympatico.msn.ca/News/ContentPosting.aspx?newsitemid=278321056&feedname=CP-HEALTHSCOUT&show=True&number=5&showbyline=False&subtitle=&detect=&abc=abc
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2006): Why would they be doing this? What is the real truth for this all? Is this something she has done before? Is this what loving, caring, involved parents would do?
Are these the consequences of her past decisions?
Are these safe gaurds?
Of course you see it as controlling and abusive...here I am a mother of four who sees it as loving, actively involved parents who are safe gaurding her future and her person.
You can't even see their side of things so what makes you feel you deserve their approval and understanding...you need to be that in return if you wish and want that from anyone else...has life not taught you that is how it is in life?
It serves you better to see them as uncaring, controlling people.
It serves her as well so that she can have the freedom to be a "mature" woman and yet; her response does not denote that she is as Love is a choice, love is an action that you chose to do, love is about two people chosing to make it work...lust is also a feeling and choice.
You both have gone about this all wrong.
I hope this all gets sorted out. I hope you can stop to consider other people and what the consequences of being dishonest and showing lack of respect for others is doing to them.
Where is the wisdom, insight, consideration, patience that is needed from you on this matter?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2006): You chose to fall in love. You chose to put your time and energy into making that love grow and strengthen.
So don't try to cop out and say that you didn't wish for this, didn't want for this as you had a choice all along.
Both of you actually believe that this "just happened"? That isn't very mature and does not denote that there are two involved, accountable, responsible people involved and that this is not love at all.
In the end, it is quite clear to many people that you will do what you want, when you want and who cares about the others that are involved. Again, not very considerate or understanding. You want this from said paretns then the two of you have to be the same for them as well.
All we are saying is give it another year until she is of legal age and so no one is hurt over this. This will show that you love one another, that you respect the parents, and then there is nothing they can do but accept and the all of you can work on having a good, strong relationship with everyone that is involved.
Chica, I suggest getting some family counseling to sort out any differences, problems/issues with your parents first so that you can learn how to cope and overcome problems healthily and effectively.
Running to some older man in hopes that he has all the answers and can take away all your anger, hurt, confusion, and give you happiness and peace when you can not even have that with your parents and in your home isn't going to solve anything.
Get some couple's counseling as well.
It sounds like you have shut off in response to what you believe that your parents have all of a sudden becoming overbearing and hateful people.
Please do as I suggest. I think you need to find peace and happiness within yourself before you can find it in another.
It is funny how you two have decided to come on here for approval which is lacking from those who matter to you most; your parents.
Do you both honestly believe you need approval and permission from us to validate you going against your parents wishes?
You will do what you will as you have your free agency. We were just giving your bf some advice that he has sought and asked for but it is apparent he just wanted to hear what he wanted and again; this is not what someone who can listen, digest, ponder, reflect over and can validate and I worry about your relationship.
Stave off the sexual intamacies and get some family counseling. This way your parents can discover how much he means to you, what you are willing to do, how serious you really are and just how mature and thought out your decision is.
Then you don't have to hide and sneak around. Then you can both move on knowing you did what you could FIRST.
BE honest.
Good luck.
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reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (14 August 2006):
 Now that we have heard from the girl, I have all of the information I need.
Irish49 is bang on with the teen rebellion analysis. The parents are not the problem, and to a certain extent neither is the guy.
To the girl: Before you have children (probably next year), I hope you understand the reasons AND the value behind the boundaries your parents have set for you. Your choices have shown a maturity level typical of teenagers; that is, you lack judgement. All you see is now, and not ten years from now. Furthermore you want to live a life free of boundaries. One day you will realize that boundaries are a good thing to have in your personal relationships. But you haven't lived enough to understand this right now.
Good luck to both of you - I hope you both know exactly what you want when you grow up, and when you get there, I hope it works out for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI will wait forever for her if I have too, she knows that.
I am not pushing her into any secrecy. If they knew we were in contact still, her phone would be confiscated and her computer access would be stopped.
We only really get to talk on MSN, her dad has blocked her MSN before because she was talking to guys, even her friends from school.
They have followed her when she has left the house to meet friends, because they think she is meeting with guys.
She has no privacy and her mum listens in on telephone conversations. Her dad even took the phone out of her hand when she was talking to one of her friends, because he was convinced she was talking to a guy.
They dont want her to have anything to do with guys, hardly ever let her out of the house, monitor everything she does.
She cannot have any respect for them if they do not respect her.
Her mum sometimes goes through all her things in her bedroom to see if she is hiding anything.
Her mum smashed one of her ornaments in her bedroom, yet it was her who had to apologise to her mother for getting upset about it.
I have no chance of gaining approval of her parents, I dont think any guy has, regardless of his age.
"Who the heck will be there to pick you up, dust your knees off , hug you and love you unconditionally, when you hit heartbreaking experiences, in your future (and it will happen)"
I will be there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2006): I smell the big bang of teen rebellion, here. Funny, how parents are always the perpertrators when this occurs. If this is fact 'you' (the gf) writing this posting-it is clear your parents have a huge problem with you. They do not have your respect. And this older guy you love, is he your way out of an unhappy home? A home where guidelines and boundries are clearly in place and you parents have the right to set those boundries. I am so sure they have given you a good life, a happy home up until now? You call feelings of love for this older man, genuine..I only see it as desperate cries for significance and standing out.
You need to remember, dear that family bonds and those who truely love us, is precious. Never, ever give up your family values, your strong family bonds and what values you have been taught to 'do what you want'. Yes, your parents love you (like no other) and they are deeply worried about the poor life choice you may be making. Family is the beacon, the lifeline in all our lives, when times get tough. Who the heck will be there to pick you up, dust your knees off , hug you and love you unconditionally, when you hit heartbreaking experiences, in your future (and it will happen). Mom and Dad. Sit down with them and communicate with them. Stay respectfully quiet and really listen to what they say about how you feel about this older guy. If thisolder guy truely loves you, he will wait one year for you, until you are out of the home and being fully responsible for making your own way in this world. He would respect your parents and not push you into making a decision about your life...that could cause hurt and pain to the very people who have trie to give their best to you...your parents.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2006): BTW, I am the girl in question here. I am almost 17 i have got a mind
of my own. I will be soon moving out away from my parents. You are all acting
like I am a little girl. I know what i want and know I want to be with
this guy as I love him, he also loves me. My parents and some of you
just dont understand how we feel. You cannot help who you fall in
love with, it just happens. He is not a paedophile, he has never lead
me on, hurt me or tried to have sex with me.
He the most kindest and thoughtful of guys, cares about me alot and
would do anything for me. All he wants is for my parents to like him
but they just cant bear the thought of me, their only child moving out
and being with an older guy. They dont even like me going with any guy
even of similar age to me. They dont like me doing teenage stuff like
clubbing and being with my mates.
All me and my parents do is argue and I am not allowed to act like a 17
year old. I know they are just worried about me but I am ok and am very
happy with this guy. At the end of the day, its my life and not theirs and
as long as I am happy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo now you are saying I am a paedophile now?
I met her in a chatroom, with my real age and it was her who stared talking to me. Both our ages were not concealed at all.
I have no interest in pornography, let alone child porn.
I am fully willing to have my computer checked.
I never chose to fall in love with anybody, it just happened over the space of around 6 months.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2006): I agree with Irish. Mom and Dad seem very loving and responsive and only have their daughter's best intrest.
You dude are motivated my selfish means. If you truly did love 16 yr old; you would respect her parents wishes and wait til she is of age. If you are both in love with one another, a year and some is not a long wait.
Stop with the sneaking garbage; you are going to get her into loads of trouble. Parents can then ask for her friends support, her friends parents support, and have her monitored. I can see this getting super ugly, super fast.
Her parents would prefer to trust in her. That you encourage and support her to be dishonest must be tough on her to no end.
So what if you have the appeal of a sugar daddy; I still say that you are not a good influence as you are encouragine her to lie to her parents and deceive them.
I don't think her running away from home is a good means of getting what you want.
You want the repsect and approval...abide by their wishes. Go to them and ask them what YOU can do.
Peace.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2006): I am wondering why you haven't shared with us where you met said gf?
Why pick a 16 year old and not some one who is closer in your age; an adult female?
What is your dating history?
I get this impression that 16 year old is more a sexual fantasy and that you are tired of women at the "same" intelectual level, the same "status" level.
What truly is the appeal of 16 year old?
Seems like she may have been lonely and that is what pedophiles know about the internet and with children. Recently in Calgary, Canada two teen girls reported an online pedophile to the local authoritites. Said man was cruising online; going to teen chats and "child friendly" games sites. They were wise enough to know that a grown man should not be propositioning underage girls. They reported him and he was nabbed and is currently being investigated. Said grown man has child pornography on his computer.
So I have to ask yet again, where exactly did you meet and did she know off hand you were a grown male? Or did you conceal this fact?
I still say this is more of what you want and you are manipulating 16 year old as she is not a wise in the world young girl. I say that is the appeal to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAgain, I will state that I have not only been in love with her for one month.
I have been in love with her for almost a year, I gave her a ring one month ago.
I have also never said that her parents are bullying me.
If people want to comment on this, will you please read my responses thoroughly before passing judgement on us.
I am offering her everything I have, security, happiness, total love and respect, etc.
I know of many 16 year olds who are happily dating older men. Including memebers of this site.
I met her parents in May and spoke with them.
They are not going to listen to anything I have to say and the idea of their daughter with anybody older is what they do not like.
She has a friend whose parents have an age difference, they comment on that too, saying it is impossible to love somebody older.
They are not willing to give me a chance, PURELY because I am older.
They even say she is too young to have a bf of any age ffs.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2006): Sixteen year olds need lots of time with their parents and their familys. Teenagers need parental attention guidance, love and contact with a sense of purpose. What I am having a problem with here, is the fact that after 'ONE' month, you 'claim' yourself in love with this 16 year old girl. Get your head on straight, man.You are a man in your late 20's. You are blinded by your own needs here-by only what you want.. This is not about this girl at all. This smacks of control, manipulation and coercion, if I ever saw it. It is so plain to see that this is only about your own 'sexual passion", your needs, your wants and not at all, about your love for this young girl, hun.
Her parents only have her best interests at heart. A mature, compassionate man would not only respect her family's rules, because, if you did genuinely love her, you would also have her best interests at heart, as well. Add to that, a mature man would not even consider a relationship with such a younger person. And part of that love for her, should be not wanting to come between her and her parents. The moment you found out her parents were against this, is the moment you should have used your brains, to rethink this. Do you really want to take on her Mom and Dad here, in the legal sense? Anyone, eighteen and under and financially dependent on their parents for support is still a minor dependent as far as I'm concerned. She is still under the protective care of her parents. Her parents are not bullying you--they are deeply worried, concerned and could go to great lengths to protect her. I would think that their response would make you really stop and think. This is her parent's home where she lives and they make the rules about what they think is in the best interest of their family needs. Until she is 18 and a financially, independent adult...there is nothing you can do about this. I suggest you retreat and lick your wounds and give her a call when she's 18. If you continue this, you are putting your future at grave risk here, her parents could and likely use whatever legal means available, to get you out of her life.. They will talk to the police, a lawyer and likely the local welfare offices. They could get a restraining order protecting the girl from you. And you need to remember if this goes to court, judges do not look kindly on home situations that include unwanted, older men sniffing around young underage teen girls. So show some respect..this is not all about you. Use you head and think clearly, man.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2006): Dude, I did say I put this from another post...I did respond to a 21 yr old male and his "love" for a 13 year old...I just didn't use the " " and put in the age of 16.
Sorry for the confusion.
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reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (14 August 2006):
Hey Malyce, are you sure you are posting to the right thread? Your response doesn't sound quite right for this one...
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2006): Taken from a previous post.
I am going to have to say that after reading a book called "Pornified-How Pornography Is Transforming Our Relationships, Our Families, Our Lives" by Pamela Paul that I understand more fully why women and men have a hard time with their partners/spouses viewing pornograpy or anything liken unto it.
In this book there are accounts of porn addicts and what pornography has done to men and their views of what is "healthy, normal, and acceptable" when viewing the opposite sex. Most men degrade from watching straight sex to beastialtity to child pornography. Time and again, grown, adult men begin to view children as acceptable means for their twisted addictions.
I am going to say that you are a male who views porn on the internet time and again. You readily download it from share wares; you visit peek a boo sites or access free images and video feeds...it is available at a finger and in seconds.
Do not mistake that since you do not pay for it; that there is no problem-THERE IS.
You do not love a 13, you lust after a 13 year old. OBSTAIN from pornography and seek counselling; there are many 12 step recovery programs.
You know you have a problem when you are hiding your pornograhpy tastes, viewing; when you are thinking non stop about sex, that you start assuming and believing that the woman down the street would do anything to have sex with you, when you are hiding away or when you go out of your way to do good things to cover your addiction, eg volunteer at charities, attend church more often than usual.
Please seek some professional help ASAP.
Curb and stop your obsessions with underaged children.
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reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (13 August 2006):
"...rather than blatantly discriminating against him purely based on age."
OK, so are you projecting your biases when interpreting the actions of your girl's parents? Have they said to your face, "We don't approve of this relationship because you are over ten years older than our girl?"
Even if they *have* said this to your face, can you allow for the possibility that you are using the age difference as an excuse to avoid critically analyzing the dynamic of your relationship, a dynamic that everyone else (including her parents) sees but that you do not?
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reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (13 August 2006):
"I have full respect for her parents, thats why I am hoping for the opportunity to prove to them that I can make their daughter very happy."
Then the best way to get that opportunity to win them over is to have patience and let their girl grow up without the burden of a co-dependent relationship. If she remains devoted to you and you to her after all of that growing up, then the wait (and effort) will have been well worth it because the two of you will have achieved something in a relationship that few people ever do.
If you choose impatience then you validate eyeswideopen's claim.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOK, If my daughter was in the same situation, I would be interested in meeting the guy and ascertaining his intentions, rather than blatantly discriminating against him purely based on age.
When I mentioned being bullied, this was not aimed at her parents.
This was aimed at the Braveheart comment farther down.
I have full respect for her parents, thats why I am hoping for the opportunity to prove to them that I can make their daughter very happy.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (13 August 2006):
 You are obviously not posting here for any advice or guidance. You have made up your mind. You know in your heart what you are doing to this child is wrong and are just looking for approval. My deepest respect to her parents.
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reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (13 August 2006):
"I fully respect her every wish and probably care about her family more than she does."
If you cared about her family so much then you would respect their wishes and see things from their perspective. You are old enough and responsible enough to have children. What if your teenage daughter came to you one day and said that she was seeing someone ten years older that she met online? I'm interested in hearing your answer.
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reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (13 August 2006):
"As for me being bullied, let them try."
Where in Ariel's posts has she even brought this up? Do you interpret the behaviour of your girl's parents as bullying?
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male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (13 August 2006):
It sounds like you have got the direction of your life set. Gotten your sh!t together, so to speak.
At 17, your girlfriend hasn't even found her way out of her parent's house. She still has an adult life yet to discover and a series of life-building experiences that will determine whether or not she gets her sh!t together.
At this point I see a co-dependent relationship in your future. You appear to need her for companionship and she will need you for financial and moral support as she tries to find her way to adulthood. It could take her ten years before she finds her way!
What happens the day that your girl evolves beyond dependence on you? Do you think she will choose to stay with you? I can't predict the future, but there is the chance that on that day she will look at you and think, what am I doing with this fellow? Have I mistaken emotional dependence for love?
And what happens the day that you evolve beyond your dependence on her? Have you considered the possibility that you will choose NOT to stay with her while she is still dependent on you?
The age difference is not the issue, but levels of development are. Your girl's views on her relationships with people (romantic and not) are still evolving through these formative years.
If you truly love her, then help her to find her way to adulthood without the noise of co-dependence. If, at the end of the day, both of you can choose to be with each other, you will find true contentment. Good luck and take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you ariel, I am sure it will work.
BTW, you mentioned in your post that we had only known eachother for a month, this is not the case.
We have known eachother for almost a year, she is 17 next month.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am hoping to earn their trust over time, they will see for themselves just how much I love her. Maybe getting engaged was a mistake, but it has strengthened us.
I can get a transfer to a different part of scotland, so I can be closer.
I am also a martial arts instructor, so can open a school anywhere I like in Scotland.
As for me being bullied, let them try.
I have had a lot of experience with girls too, I was in a 4 year relationship, then a 9 year relationship prior to this one.
I am trying to turn this around.
I know we can work.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2006): First off, you need to act your age and stop this from being a secret from her parents. If her parents find out that someone in their late 20's was knowingly having a secret relationship with their 16yr old daughter they would hit the roof - you would be, er, fucked.. mate.
Second - you have to EARN her parents trust. If they saw that you geningly loved her - which is, generally achieved by making her HAPPIER - they will change their views on you, no matter what your age [middle-aged, balding clinically obese raincoat-wearing men aside]
Third - her (and you) crying all the time is NOT a sign of you being in love or being in a healthy relationship, but rather that you are both too emotionally insecure to handle a relationship such as this. I bet there is a lot of misery in her life, because she is lonely and needs you. That's what any 16yr old who thinks she is in love would do. I guess the same is for you because you haven't had much experience in the girls and relationship department, have you?
Forth - you've made a classic error with the whole engagement thing. You don't see it now, but it seems to me that you've tried to "strengthen" your relationship by becoming engaged. This will only make matters worse - ESPECIALLY in the eyes of her parents.
Fifth - I'm glad you arn't going to move to Scotland, don't even THINK of it ok? Because, like you say, you will be not be employable and you don't want to loose your skilled job to become some meaningless existence working fifty hours a week as an unskilled nobody whos only real thrill in life is having to run away from the local racist neds who bully and abuse you whilst screaming "braveheart" for being English.
Perhaps I have got you wrong, and so have her parents - but I can see why they arn't liking this. You need to turn things around mate, if not - things are doomed I tell ye, you've been warned!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know plenty of couples with larger age differences than ours.
Yes I can offer her security, financial and emotional.
I would encourage her to party with friends.
No I dont plan on moving her away from her family, I am planning on moving into her area, I mentioned that in my post response.
My occupation is a software analyst for one of the worlds largest electronics companies, not that my job has anything to do with our relationship.
I plan to live within easy reach of her parents and WILL prove that I am right for her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2006): Listen.
It is not good or right to hide, lie, conceal, mislead, and omit.
Where exactly did you and 16 year old meet online? Do you make it a habit of hunting down underaged girls? What motivates you to do so?
She has done the right thing in involving her parents as this indicates she is very family centred and that she wants the approval of her parents.
That you do not have their support and that they have declared to you that they disapprove and yet, you still continue to do what will you is most grevious.
In their eyes, you are an adult male and she is a young girl-you have the experiences of the world and she is still young and inexperienced. They love their daughter a great deal and want what is best for her. They want her to have a life of happiness and success as well as peace.
They feel that you, an adult male who is aware of who he is and what he wants in life is at odds to a young woman who doesn't yet know who she is and what she wants in life; she needs more years to learn this.
I do see it as being unfair to the young woman.
The statistics of this site as well as online of failed relationships with a great age difference is staggering.
Most young couples that marry young also contribute to the rising divorce rates. A part of the breakdown in marriages is when one or both spoused feel that they married too young and were not aware of who they were and what they wanted in life.
Being I am female; I would have wanted a happily ever after with some young man when I was 16...but at that time, I was naieve. Living in the world a bit has seasoned me and prepared me for a good, strong relationship as I know what I want and expect in a life partner.
I do not believe that 16 year old could make the same declaration backed with wisdom.
If you can not involve the parents and are not even willing to prove as the others have suggested; let it go.
Can you offer 16 year old security? What is your profession? Can you be emotionally supportive? Are you willing to let her do Teenaged girl things...go to parties? Go shopping? Spend time with her girlfriends? Do you plan on moving her away from her friends and familY; at her age she is in the most need for a support system?
I think you are in a tough spot.
Be honest. That is the first step. To yourself and to others.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2006): I'm in agreement with Dr. Psych. She is 16, for heaven's sake; YOU are in your late 20's!! That's one heck of an age difference, you know!Let me tell you something: at 16 she still has a lot of growing up and exploring to do: where she's going in life; what she wants to do, and all that. Being "in love" exciting and new as it is, is PART OF GROWING UP. Part of finding out who she is as a girl on the verge of womanhood.Now, if she were, say, 25, and you were ten years older, that is a little different. Even better, if she's 30 and you're 40, that's good, too. Why? Because she's had time to grow up, form her own ideas and establish herself.I doubt seriously that her parents "hate" you, and I suspect that what they mean by saying people with this kind of an age difference is probably what I'm talking about re. growing up. They are concerned - and rightly so - about her well-being and long-term happiness.Given all this, you might want to rethink the whole relationship thing - once her parents find out, she will have a hard time with them, at first, particularly if neither of you tells them. They'll think you've been hiding your friendship from them. Which of course, you have. Then, also, the infatuation on her part may well wear off in time and she'll meet a young man closer to her own age.I'm not saying this to make you feel bad. Its just that this a a highly likely way it will all play out.OTHERWISE: if you REALLY feel you love her and respect her parents, then have no contact with her until she's at least 18. THEN see if she still is interested. Tough? Sure it is, but at least you will have given her a chance, and if it works out, you will both know you are meant to be together.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI fully respect and understand her parents, however, I want to prove that I will make their daughter happy.
We wont be getting married anytime soon, the ring is a symbol of my commitment to her, not an imminent marraige.
I want her to tell her parents, but the time is just not right yet.
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reader, DrPsych +, writes (12 August 2006):
 When she is 18 and legally an adult in the eyes of the law then it is up to her to decide what to do. Age differences don't matter that much (there is a decade between me and my husband (he is younger)). However, you must understand that her parents are being protective of their daughter as she is very young and they may have read all sorts of stories in the media about the seedier side of online dating. My parents don't approve of my spouse but we are all slowly working out our differences (...years later). To her parents, she is their baby and you are an older man of the world with sexual experience. I would say hold off on the marriage plans until she is well into her 20's and knows her own mind - people change a lot in their teens and early 20's and this is why marriage break up is high amongst the under 25's. At the end of the day, if you are together then there is no rush to get down the aisle and if you stay together for a couple of years then her parents may warm up to you. I think she should tell them that you two are still in touch - she should take a stand for her own independence even if they do blow up over it and if they eventually find out then they may feel even worse about it...like she sneaked off behind their backs and that, in their minds, will mean you are manipulating her into being secretive etc etc.
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reader, apollo +, writes (12 August 2006):
er....she s too young i think.let it be, i guess you wont as you are clearly infactuated with this child, but really, i am sorry to sound harsh.hope ur life turns out well x
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThere are no wedding plans until she is at least 18 - 20.
She feels like her family will turn their backs on her when they find out we are an item, I would like to live closer to them, preferably. This is so they dont feel I am trying to take away their daughter, plus she can still always see them.
They will probably hate me, but at least we can prove that we are happy and they will see how well I treat her.
I fully respect her every wish and probably care about her family more than she does.
We believe that you cannot help who you fall in love with, which contradicts her parents beliefs unfortunately.
I am going to treat their daughter like a princess, they will soon see that. Even if they never like me, they might respect me at least.
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reader, Phoebe Halliwell +, writes (12 August 2006):
 Hey,
If he parents don't approve of the age Difference why can't you show them how much you love their daughter. Talk to them, reason with them. If the love is there - the rest will follow.
Why doesn't she move closer to you? Or maybe you could fins somewhere between where you are and scotland? That way it's not far if she wants to see her parents and either you could continue working or find jobs there?
The Parents probably don't hate you. But if they are firm believers age difference and love can't go together and then their daughter goes and falls in love with a guy in his late 20s it's probably a kick in the teeth for them that their precious little girl isn't a believer of this too.
If it's meant to be, it's meant to be!
Maybe you could postbone the wedding until all the issues are sorted out first though? hope this helped,
Phoebe xxxx
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reader, sexybecky +, writes (12 August 2006):
i say it can work if u love her and distance aint that bad move closer or ask her to move closer to u.
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