A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have lived together for 1 year. He and his 15 year old son moved in with me and my 7 year old and we have been trying to all get along. Since day one, his son has refused any type of socialization with me in the house. He stays in his bedroom all day, does not clean up after himself, and only comes out to eat. Its not just his son. He has two adult daughters that refuse to visit their father and in the one year that we have lived togehter, they have visited our home on four occassions. Each time they visit for a holiday and my family is there, all of his children, grandchildren, along with my boyfriend retreat to the pool deck where they remain for over 90% of the event. My family has pointed this out to me on several each occassion. I have tried very hard to include them. I am the first woman that he has been serious about since his divorce from their mother six years ago. His children have not had to share him and even up until very recently, his son depended on his father to clip his nails and shave for him. This was quite disturbing to me for some reason. I have a 7 year old and he knows how to clip his own nails. His son has had no responsibility ever and I have pushed for him to grow up. This has now become an issue because I am being told that it is because of this, his son wants to go live with his mother full time. He doesn't have responsibilities in her home. I do not expect a lot out of him, just simply clean up his messes and keep his room and bathroom straightened up. My seven year old has the same responsiblities. Each time I have mentioned this to his father to take care of, I am met with excuses. I have grown impatient with this and am quite tired of cleaning up after a 15 year old all the time when I myself am a hard working mother and 7 months pregnant. I expressed this to his father; only to be told that it is my nagging that is driving his son away. In addition to all of this, I feel that anything that I do for his son is expected rather than appreciated. When I have taken him to lunch, dinner, purchased him items that I felt he would enjoy, his dad has to prompt him to tell me thank you if hes there. I am tired of trying. I love my boyfriend; but, his kids are just plain rude and disrespectful. I don't come from this type of background and my family does not behave this way. What do I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2013): it sounds like your bf's son is just behaving like any typical 15 year old boy. He's also probably going through a rough time because his parents are divorced and now he's living in a new home with new people (you and your son). AND add to that, you're now pregnant. teenagers usually do not like it when their parents announce they are having a new baby.However I disagree with the male anon below that you have zero parental authority. Since when does a piece of paper determine the emotional relationships between people. You have every right to have some parental authority because it is YOUR home, you are the one putting a roof over that 15 year old's head, food on the table for him, paying for his clothes and other necessities. Of course you have a right to have some parental authority over him. You need to talk to your bf about it because he needs to tell his son this, as his son will probably not listen to you right now.it's a tough situation, but keep reaching out to his son. Organize family outings where you as a household - you, your bf, his son and your son - go out and do something fun or enjoyable. Express an interest in his life and his feelings. Cut him some slack for now because the kid is going through a rough time.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 April 2013):
 Well such hate for living together. Just because a couple chooses not to marry does not mean they are not committed fully. I did not need to marry my husband to be fully committed to him for life. I did NOT want to get married. I married him because HE NEEDED it for HIS security. I did it willingly and lovingly but it was not a NEED for me. IF it’s not a NEED for both parties then I don’t see a problem with it. On the other hand as your child matures he/she may want to know why mommy and daddy are not married. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are getting married because THEIR KIDS want them to. Best reason so far for them.
My dad and his GF have been together for 17 years. While SHE is divorced, my dad is a widower so it’s slightly different I have not met her kids or grandkids. Our families are far from blended. SEVENTEEN YEARS. My QUASI step-siblings (gawd I’m not even sure how many there are) and I have never met. Heck I rarely see or talk to my own brother.
MY husband rarely sees my adult children. Birthday and maybe once every few months we have dinner… nothing else. No big deal.
My BFF is MARRIED 20 years to a man who never made his children respect their stepmom or the rules (by BFF) when they visited their home. NOW with fully grown married children with grandchildren, he sees the errors of his ways and it’s too late to fix it. Her grandson (her first) is being Christened this weekend and her husband (the baby’s step-grandfather) is not attending. The one that looks bad is HIM. NOT HER! Your family sounds much like hers. And it took her many years to get over the fact that he would not make his children respect her out of fear of losing the children.
The issue is not with his children but rather with HIM. Do NOT blame this problem on the children, it’s not their fault. They are not being given clear guidelines and expectations. Their bad behavior is the fault of their father.
Most kids have closer relationships with their moms than their dads. How did dad come to have full custody of the 15 year old?
When your 7 year old is 15 he too will spend most of his at home time in his room, he will not want to pick up his room or clean his bathroom, he may not wish to shave or cut his nails. It’s the way of teenagers. Teens are learning to separate from parents and being anti-social is often part of it.
Have you and the boyfriend created a set of HOUSE RULES? My husband and I have NO minor children in our home and yet we have a clearly defined set of house rules that must be followed in our home. They are written. Things like taking out the trash, cleaning up after oneself, when and how guests are allowed in our home… these were things we sat down and hashed OUT together as our relationship progressed.
I think you and the boyfriend need to create HOUSE RULES that apply to all people that LIVE in the home. If he refuses to hold his child to house rules and respect for adults and he won’t even entertain the idea of house rules, then you need to consider how to deal with this as he will NEVER make his child respect you.
1. All household members are responsible for…. (list things)
2. Bathrooms are cleaned on a weekly basis… if everyone has their own bathroom it’s a no brainer… if you share, then rotate the chores or better yet do what we did.. hire a maid bi-weekly and just spot clean the rest of the time.
3. All household members will show respect to everyone who lives in the home. This means (list the ways you want to be treated, note that it has to apply to everyone so your 7 year old must treat the boyfriend, the quasi-stepbrother, and you the same as well). Rules have to be the same for ALL children in the home (teens get more latitude with freedom, spending money and later bedtimes but respect is the same for all)
You can’t really control his grown children that visit but if you are not happy with their behavior, do not invite them to your home. If dad wants to see them, tell him that if they can’t respect you in your own home, he is welcome to take them all out to dinner without you. NO need to subject yourself to mistreatment in your home by relative strangers that you have no need to have any contact with. Just because they are his kids does not mean they have to like you. They should respect you and treat you with respect, but if their dad won’t mandate it, there is not much you can do. I would absent myself from them and if they ask, they are adults, tell them.
IF he sides with them, well he’s making his choice to choose his children over his partner. And then that’s your call if you want to stay with a man that does not respect you or your relationship.
If there are rules, then NOT following the rules must have consequences for the children. Removal of privileges or items.
IF you have wireless access I saw one woman post a sign for her kids that said “wireless password will be given when all chores are completed” I love it. So you change the wireless password every night after they go to bed and kids can’t get it the next day till they do their chores.
I will say that I don’t see this coming out with a happy ending. Someone is going to be upset. Either you or the boyfriend. The kid is already upset and as your 7 year old gets older he will learn to behave the same disrespectful way. “stepbrother doesn’t have to why do I?”
I think it might be best if 15 year old does go live with his mom. Otherwise I don’t see boyfriend and you staying together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2013): Hey there! Well, I myself come from a broken home. My parent's divorced when I was young and believe me it is very hard to deal with. I think you should just take a few minutes and try to look at this situation through the 15 year old's point of view. I feel bad for him because from what I've read here, I have a feeling he may be really confused and maybe he even feels unwanted or unloved. There is somebody else taking his own mother's place. It really is a tough time for a child to go through their parents divorce. My parent's never really talked with me about their divorce and what was going on, so I was really confused. I'm going to be completely honest here, my mom moved on quickly from her divorce to my father, and as a 10 year old child at the time, I absolutely hated the guy my mom was involved with. He did not respect her and was abusive. Keep in mind that he is a 15 year old male. A lot of teenage boys like to be in their room a lot without much socialization these days. He probably enjoys playing video games, watching tv, being on the internet, etc. I understand you may be upset that he doesn't socialize with you a lot, but he is just being a teenager. When you marry somebody with kids, you're marrying the kids too. Like somebody else said, it's like a packaged deal. Although it is your house and you can set rules, I wouldn't try to parent him like you would your own child, that is his fathers job. I know you may love this guy and all, and I really don't want to offend you here but I would not have had a child so soon with this man. It seems like things are pretty tough as it is and bringing another child into this situation is probably going to be really tough. Whether or not you can keep handling living like this I don't know, but if you really want to make this relationship work I guess just hang in there for now because there is not much you can do at this point. Start slowly with the son. Maybe sit down and have a nice long talk with him and try to clearly explain what is going on here. Mention how much you care about him and want him to be happy and feel secure in the home. Ask him if there is anything he wants to talk about or if there is anything bothering him. He probably feels weird around you because you guy's do not have much of a relationship. Try to slowly build a good relationship with him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2013): Think of it from the kids perspective: their father has not made you his wife. They are loyal to their Dad and their mother was his wife and you in their minds are just a girlfriend who moved in and got pregnant. There is no permanency there. Kids need structure and stability. Had you guys given the kids time, like dating for a year and then warming them up to the idea of a new family, and then getting married, the foundation would be firmer and more stable. Kids understand roles, not loose social/family dynamics. Hindsight is always 20/20, I know, but kids don't have adult minds and they look at things differently. Do your parents treat them like their own grandkids? How are the kids going to explain who you are to teachers/friends? Are you their Dad's baby mama or live in? Have you had these conversations? What is the mother telling them and other family members? "She moved in with him and she's pregnant now". What else can she say? Keep in mind, all this shapes his kids view of you and the situation. It may suggest you won't be around long or suggest you are a liability to them and their Dad rather than an investment.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (9 April 2013):
 Ugly situation. Dont marry this guy cos if u do youll marry the family too n as it is I see lots of conflict. Teens will be teens u just hafta discipline them when they screw up n if ur bf pampers his kids n treats them like princes and princesses from the storybook I never read he needs to grow some serious balls n man up n handle business. That is arguably why ur miserable cos of him. He needs to be harder with them. Good luck to u and best on a safe healthy pregnancy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2013): Pray his son goes to live with his mom and pray his daughters never come around again and if the pappy has an issue with this pray he returns to his wife. You dont need this foolish selfishness in your child's or your life!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2013): Maybe your boyfriend's son resents having to live with the interloper who is not only taking his mother's place in his father's life, but also has a kid of her own and is now popping out a new, presumably unwelcome half-sibling.As a shack-up girlfriend you are a legal stranger to your boyfriend's son (no legal relationship by marriage, adoption or blood) and as such you have zero parental authority over him, implied or otherwise. He is under no obligation to bond with, get along with, or even be civil to any woman simply because she happens to be sleeping with his father. You are his father's acquaintance, not his, and he is free to dislike you just as his father is free to dislike any of his friends. He has every right to be unhappy about his current living arrangements, and very likely further resents you as the obstacle now keeping his parents apart for good. (Kids of divorce rarely let go of the fantasy that their parents will reunite). And even if you do ever marry his father, since you came into his life as a teen he will never respect you as any type of authority figure and the best you can hope for is that he will respect your position as his father's wife and not his stepmother. Also as a shack-up girlfriend you have absolutely no say in how your boyfriend parents his son. Even if you did, there's nothing you can do to change his parenting style, and if you persist in nagging him then the kid is going to win, as they always do and you're finding out.Unfortunately, divorced parents often fail to understand the long-lasting traumatic effects of the break-up of their children's home or to consider their children's feelings in introducing new boyfriends/girlfriends, falsely assuming that kids share their parents happiness regarding their newfound love lives when the opposite is usually true. Your boyfriend may be ready to move on after six years, but his children aren't over losing their family and their father shacking up with and then quickly knocking up a total stranger isn't helping.Sadly, your boyfriend did his son a great disservice by moving him into a strange home with a strange woman and a strange kid, and an even greater one by knocking you up within months before the son had a chance to fully acclimate to a completely foreign and very uncomfortable way of life. Too bad boyfriend put his libido ahead of his son's best interests and emotional well-being. Given his father's lack of consideration in putting his own selfish needs and wants ahead of his son's best interests and your misplaced presumption of parental authority as a shack-up girlfriend, it just might be better long-term for a justifiably unhappy and resentful fifteen-year-old to live with his mother.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (9 April 2013):
 I certainly understand your frustrations. Sadly, it would appear that your boyfriend and his son come as a package deal. Also, the 15-year-old sounds fairly typical of a teen these days -- especially one who hasn't had much of a structured upbringing. His dad may have trouble disciplining him because of the divorce (and his son may be acting out because he cannot show loyalty to you).
I think you are getting a pretty good idea of what your boyfriend's parenting skills are like. I also don't see this situation changing any time soon. Maybe you'll get some relief when his son turns 18 and goes off to school (assuming he leaves) but until then I think the only thing you can do is try get your boyfriend to understand that there are certain rules in your house and that his son will have to obey them -- or else.
Taking on the role of being a stepparent is NEVER easy. Also his kids will always be in the picture... Granted as they mature they should grow up a bit, but for the next few years it is going to be rough going. Also keep in mind that your younger child could pick up on some of the habits that he sees the older one doing.
Again, blended families certainly up the challenges of any relationship and that is why second marriages that involve children from previous ones up the chances of divorce. This could be time for you to do a gut check... do you have what it takes? Is your boyfriend willing to meet you half way and are you willing to compromise a bit more? Also what impact will this lifestyle have on your children...
Eddie
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2013): Maybe you should try counseling, as you can't continue like this.
If your boyfriend doesn't want his 15 yr old to have responsibility, then I'd tell him he cleans up after him. He also has to make him spend more time outside his bedroom & maybe you two could form a relationship. He doesn't respect you, and your boyfriend seems ok with that.
Maybe once the baby will come, things might turn around, have him involved in helping with his little brother/sister. Maybe he is feeling unwanted, I know its a difficult situation for everyone. Good luck.
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