A
female
age
41-50,
*ain_spout
writes:I have been friends with this guy for about 5 years and have been having sex with him for just as long. We both agreed it was a "no strings attached" relationship. A few months ago we were both at the same bar and he acted like he didn't even know me. I was dancing with another guy and he got jealous and left. A few days later he told me that he was in love with me and was afraid he was going to lose me. We were together for about 2 months and he started backing off. He told me he needs space and blocked me from texting or calling. He unblocked me a few days later and I told him that if I decided to be with anyone else he better not pull his jealous act. I told him I didnt want to hurt him but was tired of the game. 24 hours later he texted me back saying that I hurt him just by saying that. I told him that if he wanted me he knew where to find me the next night and if not he couldn't be mad if I was with someone else. I was bar tending at my moms restaurant that night and when I went to leave he was in his truck in front of the door. He was really drunk. He kept telling me that he loved me but he was so afraid of commitment and getting hurt. He kept saying l"ook me in the eyes, no matter what I love you." We ended up having sex and I left him at about 8am. The next day he told me he didn't remember anything except for having sex and wouldn't talk to me again except for telling me he loved me and still needs to think. I know he was hurt extremely bad in a relationship in the past. Does he really love me or does he just not want to hurt me?
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drunk, I love you, jealous, needs space, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 April 2013):
 he doesn't love you or not want to hurt you
he wants what he wants... he wants NSA sex with you...
nothing more nothing less.
the problem is that it's comfortable and easy now... no effort.
YOU are in love with him and want more and he can't or won't give you that. I suggest you walk away from him with the parting words of "I want more than a casual friendship with you. I want it all with you, since you can't do that, it hurts me too much to take your crumbs and to protect my heart I have to leave the friendship totally."
For you this is a win-win situation.
IF he truly loves you, he will suck up and deal with his "fear of commitment" if not, he's gone and you can begin healing.
if you do this (go no contact, delete his info plan to never see him again) it will hurt badly for at least 6 weeks but if you are actively working on disengaging from the friendship, after 6 weeks you should be up and out and about and starting to heal.
Holding on to hope that he's coming back will prolong the pain.
DO not go no contact in hopes of him coming to you, the only reason to do it is to heal yourself. IF it affects him in a positive way in terms of your relationship (it may or it may not) then it's a bonus. But don't hold your breath for it.
A
female
reader, rain_spout +, writes (9 April 2013):
rain_spout is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am totally in love with him and right now am missing just talking to him like crazy. I don't normally hang out in bars but my family owns one and I fill in as needed. I have slowly fallen for him. We have both been with numerous other people over the years.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (9 April 2013):
 The fact that your "relationship" has lasted 5 years indicates to me that there is probably something more going on than just friends with benefits. In most FWB situations, people use one another, grow tired or find someone new and move on. Clearly that isn't the case with you.
I am concerned that you are spending a lot of time in bars, however. If he is confessing his love to you while drunk or under the threat of you going home with someone new, I wouldn't hold much value to them. However, he does seem to want to be near you.
What I don't see here is how you feel... just because he loves you doesn't mean you love him back... Where are you in this situation and what exactly has held you in this relationship for the past five years?
I think you are due to have a conversation with your buddy AND with yourself. I see no nefarious motives in his actions other than possibly protecting you from finding a new guy. But from the sounds of it the only thing that is different from your current relationship with that of a loving one is an exclusivity commitment.
Maybe it is time to ask each other what they truly want from the other person and see where it leads.
Eddie
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