A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am stuck in a rut and don't even know where to begin. I am 36 years old and have an advanced degree in computer science and engineering. I've been married 4 years and have a 3 year old. I am a full time stay at home mom, not my preference but i have no choice.I never really wanted kids and getting pregnant really early on in my marriage was a huge shock to me. I considered not having the baby but my husband wouldn't take no for an answer. My son was born after a very difficult pregnancy and needless to say, he is now my heart and soul. Here's the thing though. While i love him more than life itself, i find myself exhausted with child rearing. Even though my husband and parents are a huge help, the whole thing drains me emotionally and physically and i feel completely trapped. I wish i had my old life and my freedom back. I also wish i was working but I'm so out of touch with academics, i feel no confidence whatsoever even at the thought of facing an interview. A potential job opportunity has presented itself in the form of teaching at a school and while I'm over-qualified for it on pen and paper, i feel very under confident at the thought of going for the interview. I have no time to study and I'm too tired at the end of the day. My son demands my constant and undivided attention literally 24 hours a day, and there are days i feel I have had enough. I don't feel like a person anymore; all i have to do is care for him. He's a very demanding and fussy child and while I love him to death, i feel I'm losing myself in all of this.I fail to understand how other people do it. From the outside i look like i have my shit together, my son is very intelligent for his age and everyone's commenting on how well he's turning out to be but I'm literally collapsing in the process. There are days i feel I can't do it for one second longer, taking care of a child night and day. Someone please give me some encouragement!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2020): I agree with what just about everybody else said. Daycare is usually very good for kids. Don't forget that you can sit your son down in front of the TV and make yourself a cup of tea.
I know there are some people who think all TV is bad for kids, but if you look at just about any study they are wrong.
A lot of scientists now think that most parents actually have little influence on how the child turns out. As long as you are providing a safe, happy home, you are doing well.
I was a stay-at-home dad and my mum was convinced that I let my son do way too many computer games. He graduated HS with the equivalent of a 4.3GPA and got into a good college. Socially he's doing great too!
Best of luck!
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (11 January 2020):
 Being a parent isn’t for everyone and, whilst you love your son, I’m not sure how you became pregnant - unless contraception failed? Also, pregnancy, giving birth and raising a child was completely down to you - so it should have been your choice, not your husband’s; he didn’t have to go through pregnancy, birth or be a stay at home parent and lose himself in the process.
Regardless, it’s totally understandable that you resent your situation. It’s time to put your son in day care 3 days a week, so you can get back into the real world. Your son needs regular contact with kids his age and you need the same with people your age. Don’t say it’s impossible; he needs it for his social skills and you need it for your sanity.
No more letting your husband dictate what you do or don’t do, even if he means well. If he wants you to stay at home with your son, then he can do it instead. If he can’t, then you remind him that it’s not your job either. Being a stay at home parent is only a blessing if you wanted it, but you didn’t even want to be a parent - which is okay, but makes this harder. Stand up for yourself if your husband or parents resist the idea of day care and a job. They don’t have to feel trapped every day.
Only do job interviews for part-time jobs you will enjoy, even if you’re overqualified on paper. If you take any old job or get in over your head, you will feel just as trapped as you do at home. Ease yourself into it. Be patient with it and yourself. Build your confidence slowly - even if that means spending a year in a job you’re overqualified for. A job you enjoy is more important than a job that will challenge you daily. Lots of people find they’re happier in jobs they didn’t get their degree in, especially if they’re just starting out again.
Take the plunge, but in a realistic manner.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2020): You regain your confidence after going to a few interviews. Don't worry so much about the outcome, concentrate on putting your best-foot forward. Psych yourself into it!
Read-up online on how to prepare for an interview, and just follow the tips!
You're just a little rusty, but don't waste your time applying for jobs you're way over-qualified for. Chances are, they won't hire you; because they know as soon as something better comes along...off you go! It's also intimidating to other employees. If you find yourself getting turned-down, time after time, it will destroy your self-confidence. You'll become frustrated, discouraged, or demotivated by a series of rejections. It's not even a personal-thing; it's the employer knowing what they need, and what's more practical for their bottomline.
When you transition from domestic-life to a professional-life; it's normal to feel somewhat out of touch with your skills. Without practice, you lose confidence; and your skills grow a little stale. What you are feeling is absolutely normal. Even the part about feeling in a rut; but you feel guilty about it. I can sense it in your post. You're being quite candid and forthcoming; and that honesty is healthy for you. You have to express your feelings by venting; in order to come to terms with the facts and realities. Hence, you can plot your strategy and make a viable plan. It's a process. You're also reprogramming your mindset.
You should start-out with something in your field, or closely-related; don't just take things willy-nilly, or you won't utilize your training and skills. To avoid stress, take-on something only part-time. Being thrust back into the workaday-world full-time is a shock to the system. You'll be ready to quit only a few weeks in! You have to adjust to the work-environment, your co-workers, and your job-tasks.
I highly recommend that you get placement through a permanent/temporary-agency that specializes in engineering-recruitment. You'll never access your mental-repository of training, technical-skills, and talents unless you put that extensive-training to use. The recruitment-agency will often prescreen you; and prepare you for the final-interview with the employer, or the employer's hiring-staff.
You could stand-in for someone on maternity-leave, be part of an on-call backup-crew, or fill-in a position vacated by an employee on an extended leave of absence. You'll get back into the feel of your profession. You have a chance to put your skills and training back into practice; without the pressures of worrying about whether you'll lose the job for lack of competence. Specialized-recruitment services for professionals do the screening for the employer; and just sitting through their preliminary-interview process rebuilds your confidence. Even if you don't get the first job you apply for; they'll keep searching until they find you a good-placement.
It takes pushing yourself out of your comfort-zone, and not allowing your emotions to override your professional-pursuits. It takes time to get back on that horse; because caring for a child is very emotionally-challenging. It requires vigilance around the clock; because someone is literally dependent on you for everything! Learning to juggle two things at once, a career and parenting, takes practice! It's not a built-in ability! Like anything else we have to do in the adult-world; we must rely on our sense of survival. Our survival-instincts kick-in, and we just do what we gotta do! Pass or fail!
In the meantime, you should hire a nanny to come-in for a few hours a week. That way you are freed-up for interviews; and you don't have to rely so heavily on your parents or family to pitch-in. That's mostly where your guilt is coming from. You don't want to look like a mother who doesn't love her child, or her responsibilities of motherhood. Guilt is just something nature installed that keeps our conscience and better-values active, and our sensitivities well-tuned. Letting guilt or fear paralyze you, or cause you to be down on yourself...that's overkill. Keep at it, until you get the desired results! Like when your baby learned to walk! Falling-down a few times didn't stop kiddo from trying, until it was a piece of cake!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 January 2020):
 I think it's time to look at a day care for you son. He is 3, and needs to be around kids his own age, not just boss his mom around.
Day care CAN be good for a kid's development. Having to learn how his PEERS deal with things might be a big benefit, kids can teach other kids things we as adults don't think of, we just do. Especially BEFORE school starts. So he will have 2 years to learn some of the basic SOCIAL skills from his peers BEFORE school. It will be good for him too. And hopefully HIM having to keep up with other children not just intellectually but physically will hopefully wear him out that you will get PROPER sleep at night. He IS 3 and should HAVE no need of you at night. (for the most part).
And you HAVE given him 3 years of 24/7 attention and companionship, which I DO think is also VERY beneficial to a child and a child's development.
So YOU going back to work, to brush up on any courses you might want to add or redo, this is a good time to do it.
I think it would be better for the BOTH of you if HE could do day care and you do work. That way YOU will start to look forward to spending time with him, not "dreading" it or feeling like it's draining or a "chore".
(which by the way is NORMAL to feel at time too, doesn't make you a bad person or mom, OK?)
I have 3 kids. My oldest did part time day care for 2 years (I was on bed-rest for 5 months of #2's pregnancy so that helped me a lot). And my youngest did preschool (starts at age 4) and she did brilliantly too.
It's OK for you to have ambitions and wanting to work again.
You can do it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2020): I agree with all fatherly advice has said, spot on. My daughter sounds very much like your son at that age and I can resonate with how you describe you feel.
You are feeling low in mood and self confidence hence the worry about going for a job interview, remember you are over qualified, clearly an intelligent woman, if they offer you the job it will be because they know you will be an asset, if not what did you lose other than to see it wasn't as bad as you thought it would be and to get back into jobs to go through the process of an interview.
I feel your son would benefit from a good childcare service, I also have to wonder if you overcompensate how much you fuss around him because you feel guilty that your underlying feelings have elements of feeling you wasn't ready for a child and you feel trapped. No child should be 24/7, it seems even by a demanding child's behaviour he is taking up a considerable amount of your time, again I wonder if you are so soft with him that he doesn't have clear boundaries in place?
At three years old he will begin to know right from wrong, when my daughter was little it used to be such things as time out corner and star charts to reward good behaviour, times may have changed but regardless children need and do thrive in boundaries. So if he is demanding your attention at night look at modern ways of dealing with that behaviour because for yours and his sake he needs boundaries set.
You would benefit from working, your little boy would benefit I'm sure from all that he would learn being with other children,the thought of doing it will scare you but ask yourself what have you got to lose to try?
You're not a bad mother, you are a fantastic one because you own how you feel, you go for it, I'm sure if you get the job offer it will be the right thing for your little family, best of luck x
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (10 January 2020):
 Congratulations!
You earned an advanced degree. That's wonderful.
You have a happy marriage with a supportive partner and family. That's actually not very common.
You have a bright precocious son who makes you happy. I love kids too.
You have a job offer. That means you still have respect in your field.
And the fly in the ointment is that you are worn down from caring for your three year old. Hey that's nothing to be ashamed of. 3 year olds are hard. Full of questions and a bit of mischief, I'm sure.
Honestly I haven't been in your position but my wife was, so I'm going to offer you my advice based on her experience.
Go to the interview. Just going will make you feel better about yourself. Take the job if it looks good to you. three reasons: It will be good for you to interact with adults on a regular basis. it is a great break from raising toddlers. Absolutely changed my wifes outlook. 2 It will boost your confidence and get you current in your field. Teaching is a great way to get up to date on everything in your area of expertise. Being in charge of a class will help you feel in charge. When my wife tackled positions of responsibility it opened doors for her. She went from the lowest position you can probably imagine to a responsible and important member of her team. And 3 it will also be good for your son to be in day care. I'm sure you are worried about this, but kids who interact with peers come out better people. My youngest is the most successful of my children so far. Being in Day car did not set him back. As much as you need to be talking with your peers, he does as well.
On the other had only 2 years til kindergarten.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2020): First I want to say that codependency presents itself a lot in first time moms and it’s not healthy as much as society tells us it is. Talk to your husband and get support. You need help. We all do. You need time for yourself and just yourself even if it is work. If you’re not happy, it’s going to translate into everything you do. You are more than capable to be a mom and go after that job. Don’t let your current role get you down but get help. It’s the one way to move forward.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2020): Omg...You do not have to stay home and be trapped...You see their is this thing called daycare you could use of even a nanny.Who says you must stay home?Is it because you are the woman.If you do not want someone else to watch him why doesn't your husband stay home while you work.Now that your kid is three out him in school..mine went to a head start program at three did them good.You have no excuse it is you who is holding yourself back.
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