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male
age
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anonymous
writes:I'm a single guy in my 40's and am extremely love sick, as silly as it may sound. I feel like a teenager with the feelings I have for someone, who is married, so this person is unattainable. We have known each other for several months and saw and talked to each other several times a day, to the point where I started to feel strong feelings for her, and still do. For obvious reasons this was one sided, although I know that she likes me and has some attraction. I recently tried to put distance between us (as the more I see her the harder it is) and not communicate with her (as much, we still each other a occasionally), but it is extremely difficult and painful emotionally. i am at the point where I feel like trying to resume contact again, just so I can feel the same as before, although I know in the long run, this may be more painful later.Are these feelngs familiar to anyone? , and if so what did you do about it- Id be keen to know, its driving me crazy.Thanks everyone
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male
reader, silentwatch  +, writes (31 August 2014):
you are not alone!!
you are just another me in every sort
i am not as old as you.. but things are pretty same. this girl do everything that makes me feel so cool.. and
then after sometime.. possessiveness and jealous mounts
making me unhappy
:)
i wish to see how you can resolve this.. that can do the tricks for me too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA few weeks later and the problem is still there, caused mainly by the fact that I have had to see, work with and talk to her regularly as part of my job. I do believe though that my feelings are subsiding, but very slowy- I am still very emotionally attached to her, even though it is very one sided. This has been a double edged sword, caused by 1) Having regular communication with her which I have to admit feels really good- but..I know I shouldnt be allowing it as this will not help matters. The more time i spend with her, the more I realise she has a lot of faults that I didnt realise when I wasnt seeing her that often, making me like her just that little bit less (when I should probably be hating her!): - her inconsistent behaviour/attitute towards me- one day she will be friendly then the next day she doesnt want to know me. In fact some times I get differing messages within the same conversation! , -her lack of empathy towards me, -she's pretty self centered, - seems to have quite a volitile personality etc etc.I know I didnt need to make this entry but it seems kind of good to write this down as it probably helps a bit.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes it is extremely hard once the seed has been planted- I certainly know that, the seed is more like a tree now, very hard to kill, in fact impossible (excuse the analogy :)). I wish you all the best and hope everything works out for you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2011): I really feel for you guys and I know exactly what you are going through.I am in a similar situation as the last post. I agree you cannot control feelings and attraction but you can control what you do with them, as painful and difficult as that may be.I am married and I have had feelings for a man who is also married. I am certain he is attracted to me as well but he has been trying to string me along. He is unsure if he wants to move forward but he also does not want to let me go. It has been a horrible emotional roller coaster ride for me. I continue waiting and forgiving him because I care so much about him but the situation never changes. The longer I keep myself invested emotionally, the worse it will be for me in the long run. In my situation, I am very unhappy in my marriage. It might also be boredom and an escape/fantasy. My son is disabled and my husband and I have been experiencing many challenges because of this. I think that deep down I might blame him for it even though it isn't his fault. I also think that when I see my husband I see all of my pain and the burden of our son's condition. So I have been distancing myself from him and have viewed this other man as my saviour, the man who will rescue me from this painful reality and all of my problems. But I have finally realized this will not happen. I know I will have to fix my marriage or leave it. The other man should not even be a factor in this equation. He would probably present a diversion for me for awhile but reality will eventually set in again.But it's incredibly hard because I have strong feelings for him. I try to justify it as him not being connected to his wife and something being wrong in his marriage for him to seek me out. But I also think that this is a man who is looking for the best of both worlds, playing with the emotions of two women for his own selfish needs. How could I ever trust him if he and I ever got together? I know I am no saint either because I have allowed myself to get emotionally involved with a married man but I believe this all happened because I have been in a very vulnerable state.So I am trying my best to take it a day at a time and it has been tearing me up. It helps that I have not seen him much this summer. But I will be seeing him soon enough everyday. I will have to continue keeping strong and walking away from him. It will be hard because he will try to reel me back in and I have fallen for it many times before. But I think I have finally hit rock bottom with this. I had an enlightening moment when I did see him one time this past summer. Instead of talking to me when we ran into each other, he left me and spoke to other people the entire time. I realized at that moment that he did not care about me in any way, shape or form. And that I could no longer subject myself to this emotional torture from him. I cannot do it any longer. I am a beautiful woman with so much going for her. Men chase AFTER ME. So I have realized I am not going to be somebody's leftovers or ego boost. In the end, it will be his loss. But unfortunately, sometimes our feelings of genuine love and affection must be left to die. We have no choice. And in my view, to let such feelings die is one of the biggest shames in life. To kill what is in the heart is an agonizing decision. But it will be more agonizing if you decide to keep playing a game you will never win.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGood luck to you too - you're right we can't control who we are attracted to, it would be good if we could sometimes.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2011): I am dealing with getting over my crush as well. it is hard and I am married too and so is my crush. I agree with the other anonymous male--I really shouldn't have to deal with this. it is not fair for my husband but sometimes we can not control attraction. I am keeping my distance--It seems to be working although it a battle. I do notice in times of stress, low self-esteem, or fights with my husband that my mind goes back to my crush. but at least now I realize that it is just a fantasy/ an escape. My crush was reciprocating but I put a stop to it b/c it just was not ethical. Be strong and good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again Angeldelite and I know you're right, yes thats my intention, and will have to live with the situation i think - the original 'fixation' came from her being too nice too me i think (and she just so happens to be exactly 'my type'), and getting along so nicely, - this combination and I was doomed from the start i think, developing an emotional attachment to her that doesn't exist with anyone else, at work, or anywhere, single or married. Since Im now having to work with her more closely, making it even harder to put distance between us, short of drastic measures, I'll need to sort matters out inside my head somehow- havent worked out how Im going to do that yet- shame there isnt some button you could push, right! :)
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reader, angelDlite  +, writes (5 August 2011):
 come back down to earth and think about this. you are fixated on her cause you do not have a relationship of your own. she has. this love you feel is totally one sided. have your fantasies, have your butterflies, have someone who brightens your day at work, but that's all it might ever be. she talks to you but she talks to all the other guys too. try to move on and seek a relationship that makes you feel good about yourself, not lonely and shut out in the cold like this woman makes you feel
x
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey thanks for that. Well the desire (or necessity) to put as much distance between us as possible, has kind of gone out of the window over the last week, not by choice, but due to the work we are involved in. She has now moved back down and is working on the same floor and even in the same room as I am. In fact she is now in full view everyday! We are moving next week to another floor so that work can be done on the floor we are on, when i was told we were moving i thought, great, now i wont be able to see her all the time (in reality I dont want that but in the interest of trying to overcome this 'lovesickness' it seemed for the best). But no, where all moving! The hardest thing about seeing so much of her (other than the obvious), is that she spends most of the day talking to other guys, admittedly mainly about work, but neverthess jealously starts to kick in a bit after a while... (thats she's talking to them and laughing and having a great time) and not me.
Not sure what im going to do here, I'll try and distance myself as much as i can although it wont be easy, since the working area we will be in will be fairly small, and we will see each other in the kitchen etc.
Any suggestions? (other than changing jobs or getting a transfer!)
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2011): I think not initiating contact with her is a good idea. I hope you can stick to that. I've been pretty much doing the same, and trying really hard to put her out of my mind. It's a daily battle, but I think that it can be done. I don't know what would happen if I see her again, but in theory, at least, I'd like to believe that out of sight really does mean out of mind. Since chances of seeing her are practically zero, I think I can overcome this in time. And if I can't, well then I'll have to do something about my current situation because this is just so not fair to my partner. Just the thought of causing her any pain though is enough of an incentive for me to fight through this. But boy it is tough.
I think part of my pain is the fact that I kind of feel spurned, which is in itself ridiculous because I am married and so should not be thinking about any of this. There are so many layers I am having a hard time figuring out why this has been such a challenging situation, what it is about it that's been bugging me. Am I unhappy in my current situation? Is this a phase? Am I taking my spouse for granted? And what would happen if we split up? And somehow I've managed to turn your post into mine... thanks for listening, bro...
I am glad you seem to be doing better. I do think it helps she's been distant with you. There is nothing feeding to the fire, if you know what I mean. I admire your strength in all this; I'll learn from you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, we work for the same organisation but on different floors in the same building, but with effort I could probably avoid seeing her most of the time, although that is practically the case now. As soon as I do see her though, even if at a distance, emotions start coming through. She technically takes the same bus as I do, although lately she has been taking an earlier one to work and a later one after work, do im not seeing much anymore there, when once Id see her daily. Id thought about changing my schedule and bus but this would make it quite inconvenient from a work perspective. Since my original post i did actually go and talk to her, just a catch up really, and it didnt feel the same as before, but since then it is back to little or no contact but i am still thinking of her constantly, although Ive made up my mind to not initate any more of this (If my will power allows it, although this shouldnt be too difficult) due to the situation stated above.
Still lovesick but at least i think the emotions are a little more in check than they were a week or two ago- still pretty painful yes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): Wow, I envy you and feel your pain: it must be blissful and utterly painful to see her every day! It's probably good for everyone that her feelings for you have cooled off a bit. As for me, I can't say that she felt anything for me at all. She is very gregarious, affectionate, and the kind of person that flirts with everyone (you know the playful, non-sexual kind), and so while I felt validated and special around her, I know she makes a lot of people feel this way. She is a very giving person. But a part of me wants to believe that there was something there, and that she felt something for me too, and I have been foolish enough to believe this to be true sometimes. I guess I am feeling more cynical today. Since I last saw her I've had no contact with her, and I know I will never see her again. At times I feel foolish and angry with myself for being so childish, at other times I feel an awful longing to see her, but most of the time I feel guilt and shame.
Is there a way you can stop seeing her? If it's just a strong infatuation, time and distance should be enough to put her out of your thoughts completely. If not, at least it will be easier to give yourself a chance to be with other people.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi there, thanks a lot for your story, very sad and moving indeed. Yes, I will admit to crying over this girl as well (when I thought that I had lost the friendship for good), a few times, and I see her just about every day! Although I have since I wrote this regained some form of contact with her (that always has to be initiated by me), there is something that doesnt feel right and not how it was when we first started getting on, on a friendly basis, a few months ago. I havent lost any feelings for her but feel hers towards me has waned a bit, even as a 'friend'- this in itself is quite a painful thing. Silly of me to regain contact I know, which at face value at least she appears to 'not mind', although I find it very difficult to know whats really going on in her head. The old 'hot' and 'cold' saying comes to mind, but in reapproaching her and striking up a conversation youd be amazed at how good you feel afterwards.
Hope it works out for you and I know what you mean, Im hoping i too will laugh about how childish i was some time in the future, hopefully sooner rather than later.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2011): I know the feeling, except I'm the lovesick married man, and have not known the woman for very long at all. It's kind of ludicrous. My wife is absolutely wonderful and I am very lucky, indeed, to be with her. Yet, I can't help how I feel about this other woman. We don't live in the same country, so keeping away is not a problem. While in her company, no boundaries were crossed. Just uncontrollable lovesick teenager feelings. I think in my case perhaps it's just a strong infatuation that with time will cool off. This is especially true given that there's no prospect of seeing her again anytime soon. It still makes me feel horrible that I have feelings for this other woman, though. I can't stop thinking about her. It feels like I am betraying my wife, which I am by indulging thoughts about this other person. I suppose, however, that it's quite normal to have feelings for other people at some point or another, so I am really trying not to blow this out of proportion in my mind and just telling myself that this too, like other trials in life, will pass.
This may also be true of you: with distance and some time your feelings for her will cool off. You might have just met someone who is very compatible with you. That doesn't happen very often, which is why you feel this helplessness and emotional pain. Feelings are just feelings and they will pass with time. I think the advice you were given by angelDlite is sound: keep your mind and heart open for a single lady who is lovesick for you. And my advice to you (which I will be applying to my situation as well) is: don't take your feelings about this woman too seriously -- lovesick feelings are often just a sign of strong attraction; focus instead on things you don't like about her that would make her an unsuitable partner for you, and blow THAT out of proportion. heh heh!
I am not sure about pursuing a friendship with her. It might be very painful. On the other hand, if your attraction towards her cools off over time, then I don't see how that would harm you. That is really up to you. It sounds like you would not pursue an affair with this woman on principle, so the only thing you should keep in mind is whether being friends with her would be a good thing for you; whether on balance it would make you more happy than miserable, or whether, in time, you think you can see her as just as a friend. Also to keep in mind, what if this woman feels the same way about you? Then you might want to stay away from her because you don't want to cause a break up, or have an affair, etc.. It sounds like the latter is not an issue at all, but just something to bear in mind.
Sorry this is a bit long, I just think our situations are very similar, and I can imagine what you must be feeling like. It's been sheer torture for me. I have cried several times since I last saw her, because I miss her company, and then I have cried because these feelings are so wrong. My wife is so sweet and good and kind and I should be feeling like this about her. Like you, I have struggled with thoughts about just being friends, etc, but in my case it's a little easier, perhaps, because she lives far away from me and there is no prospect of us seeing each other again soon, or ever. This is both a consolation and a great source of torment. But in time, I will just laugh at how silly I was for taking all this so seriously. :)
Good luck, my friend.
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reader, angelDlite +, writes (17 July 2011):
yep, its difficult when the head and the heart don't agree isn't it? there is nothing wrong with being friends with her BUT when you say you are lovesick and would jump at the chance of more if she were single then that sort of suggests that your interest is way more than platonic, i think you need to pursue relationships with women who are available, have more in your life and more to think about than just your feelings about her
x
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks angelDlite , I know what I should do, but dont want to! ;)- I've tried and hate it! - Maybe I havent allowed enough time yet.Funnily enough I don't think its an affair I'm after, i think its more her friendship (the next big thing I guess), as that felt really good. The last thing I want to be is help cause the breakup of a marriage, and I realistically think that will never happen. Im sure you can love a friend without being romantic (if that makes sense) or sexual with them- Im a walking example of that I think, and dont want to take it any further than that. Well consciously i dont but maybe my subconcious still does.. That's not to say if she was single I would definitely jump at the chance... although if she were single we would never have met, so I actually have that to be grateful for :)
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reader, angelDlite +, writes (16 July 2011):
you KNOW what you SHOULD do coz outlined it perfectly in the third paragraph of your post!
as far as you are aware she is not looking for an affair with you or to leave her husband, maybe it is her unattainability that is drawing you to her more.
either way, you seem to be on a road to nowhere with this woman and i suspect you are only having these thoughts coz you are lonely or looking for love. fill your life with other people and activities and hopefully you will meet a single lady who is free to be lovesick teenagers over each other
x
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