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age
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writes: Hi aunts and uncles, i'm 17 and i'm thinking about 'casual sex' i'm a virgin, but when i like a guy i get too attatched and im sick of it, it affects my college work, my moods my other friendships. I don't like the way they have power over your feelings but i guess i can't really change that. I'm currently not on the pill and i wouldn't know how to go about it to get put on the pill? They guy who im planning this with has commitment issues in general, i don't think he likes the idea of being tied down which is fine with me because although ideally i would like a relationship i think im too young to be getting attatched emotionally into all that stuff. I don't know if casual sex is a good idea, but it's just a fun way of getting involved with someone with all the heaviness of arguments and relying on them only to be let down again. He made it clear that its just casual sex, but i made it clear that im not getting treated like a bit on the side. He also wants phonesex but im a bit shy about this and don't really know how to go about it. I don't really know what i want to do to be honest, advice?
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female
reader, celtic_tiger  +, writes (6 March 2011):
 You have answered the question yourself
"When im with this guy he just feels right i guess"
YOU want more than just casual sex. You want him as a boyfriend. To you being with him "feels right". This is emotional connection on your part. IF you were to have sex with him, you would be emotionally attached. Already you are showing signs, if you lost your virginity to him, it will be 10000 times worse and more intense.
He has told you he is not ready for commitment. He just wants sex. He does not like you or fancy you the way you feel about him. This is a one sided relationship.
I really think you will be making a very very big mistake if you do start a casual sex relationship with him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2011): Casual sex is most certainly a no, no, don't care if people advocate it's fine providing two adults agree. This proven by research, that casual sex desensitizes people emotionally, or are already suffering some emotional dysfunction, through bad previous relationships, and use it as some kind of get even approach. All are not good reason to have sex casually, with random strangers or anyone who considers YOU and your body as commodity without feeling or emotion.At 17 this is quite worrying as you should not have that many bad experiences to affect your thoughts on casual sex. Apart from STI's, getting a really bad name for yourself, yes this would happen, instead of people advising you oh how not to get pregnant or get a STI, perhaps it might be a good idea to explore WHY you want to have sex without becoming attached, or sharing yourself with a young man, who likes you and not just your body ( whether it's mutual or not) as some receptacle then vanish, or get in to bed another female the next day, week or whatever, who like you sees NO worth in their body but for the use of sex.Hard hitting yes, because at 17 and a virgin, you are demonstrating already, that sex is ok to have with someone when you DON'T feel ready for the emotional stuff that goes with a relationship. Then you are NOT emotionally ready for sex either. And no way to view sex. No wonder this boy wants phone sex, or tells you he casual sex, you have made yourself open to this...10 years ago, guys had to pay for phone sex, with the lowering of standards of some females, sorry, guys treats some females as hookers, without payment. Do YOU really want that?Please think about what you're considering, as there is no going back once you get drawn into this, it's with you for life, and the bad experiences along with it. How you'll get talked about, to writings on the wall of some public place, to feeling for a guy and him looking at you as though you're a piece of meat. Sometimes we need a short sharp shock in to reality, to make up think again.Dr. Date
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2011): If men put this much thought into sex mankind would have never flourished.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI completely understand where your coming from Tiger, he is a good friend of mine and we were going to 'get together' before but then he ducked out because of commitment issues ive never actually heard this from him just his friends. I don't want to be an easy card, and ive never really had a boyfriend before just flings - nothing ever this serious. When im with this guy he just feels right i guess, dont get me wrong im not in denial about him i know, and all my friends have told me he's a complete mess for not telling me straight what he wants but i dont know how to ask him without losing his friendship either. casual sex seemed like an answer for both of us although i know our answers may be different things.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (6 March 2011):
Hi OPIf you cannot face telling your mother or talking to the GP about sex and contraception, then you are not mature enough to be having sex. If you are indeed 17 then in the UK you are over the legal age of consent and can go to the Doctor without taking your mother with you. "i just wana mess around and get it over with because either way i'll end up getting hurt"If you mess around, you will get hurt, and it will cloud all your future relationships. By having casual sex at such a young age, you could also end up with a reputation, one that will make guys think you are easy, and up for sex without any effort on their parts. If this happens guys will not respect you - they will just see you as a plaything to use, not as girlfriend material. Why do you want to get it over with? There is NOTHING wrong with being a virgin! If you are feeling under pressure from your peers, then ignore them. A lot people your age have no sexual experience, and many of those who say they are having sex all the time are plain and simply liars - they say it so they look cool. It is more important for boys to be seen to be "shagging" (I know thats a horrible word, but basically thats what its about) as many women as they can. In the boy club of british teenagers, the more women they can have sex with, the more their street cred goes up. For women, if you sleep around, you will be labelled as a tart, an easy lay, (even if this is not true) and someone who is only there to provide sexual favours. Guys will not want to date you, they will only want to see if you will sleep with them too. Do you want that kind of reputation? I know the pressure to be sexually active is huge. We have all been teenagers. We all know that as soon as you hit that magic number of 16, the "cool" thing is to be having sex with lots of guys. It makes people seem popular, attractive, sexy and most of all "mature". Well it isnt. Casual sex isnt "cool".Reality is that the majority of people you age (17) probably are also virgins. Many people lie, in order to feel part of the group, or to stop those who are sleeping around from picking on them. But you are perfectly normal! Honestly.You are 17, so presumably doing A levels? Are you planning on going to University? Trust me - when you get there, you will find SO many nice boys, that you will wonder why you wasted your time having sex with someone who doesnt give a monkeys about you as a person. Keep strong. There is nothing wrong with you, and for my mind by waiting you would be showing your maturity far more than if you went and became this guys fuck buddy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2011): In theory "casual sex" is just casual. I think it's rare that it actually ends up that way, particularly for women.
You might think this guy is an ideal good choice because he's noncommital and you are tired of being emotionally involved with men. But you are describing the situation as if you could absorb his attitude and nonchalance by osmosis. You say this as if you believe that if you have sex with someone who is immune to detachment, then you might pick up that character trait. It doesn't work that way. You will have sex with him and your attraction/attachment issues to guys will still be there. Given what you've said about being attached to guys before, I think you will develop feelings even if you try to tell yourself it's just "casual."
I've had exactly the same thoughts and I've had casual sex. There are two things that could happen:
1) lousy, forgettable sex
2) you develop feelings for the person
I'm not going to tell you to save yourself because I hate that phrase and concept, but I would wait till you meet someone you like and trust.
The problem with being physically intimate with someone who you know has no interest being emotionally intimate is that once you agree to be used (that's IS what you are agreeing to) they have no problem abusing you (because it's just casual). I don't mean hit you or verbally abusing you, but manipulating you: lying to you to get you to have sex, lying about if they are having sex with other people (and potentially exposing you to STDs) If you are literally planning this as a "casual relationship" then you are creating a situation where all these things can happen. Please rethink it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answer Tiger, you are right about me not knowing enough about sex. I would always use contraception though, i don't really have a close relationship with my mum its hard enough telling her that im on my period never mind that im thinking of having sex. That's why i can't really go to the doctors to seek advice plus i don't have a clue what im saying. I know this guy doesn't seem to nice in text and im certainly not in denial of his intentions but i can't help feel like i just wana mess around and get it over with because either way i'll end up getting hurt.. x
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (6 March 2011):
If you know you already get emotionally attached to boys now, without having sex with them, then casual sex is not for you.
"i get too attatched and im sick of it, it affects my college work"
If you get this bad over someone you are not in an intimate relationship with, how do you think you will be with someone who has sex with you and then leaves you to go and have sex with someone else?
You are a virgin, and the guy you lose it to will always be special. Do you seriously want to lose your virginity to someone who doesnt care about you, and only wants to use you for sex?
Casual sex is difficult sometimes for even very experienced women who know their bodies, emotions and how to handle them. You have no idea how having sex with him will make you feel.
Also, how would you feel if he was away sleeping with other women too? It's just casual sex - you have no rights to tell him what to do, or who else he sees. Would you be ok with that? He will not date you - you will not go out with him to the cinema or anything like that. He will just ring you up arrange to meet to have sex. Thats it.
For me, the fact you are unsure about all this screams that you are not ready, either emotionally or physically for this type of relationship. The issue about not being on the pill or not knowing how to get on it, is also a worry, as at the present you have no idea how to protect yourself from pregnancy or std's. When having casual sex, a condom is an essential as you do not know how many other people your partner could be sleeping with, or what nasty bugs and infections that they could have been exposed to.
Before you consider having sex with anyone you need to protect yourself. Arrange an appointment with your nurse or Doctor to talk about contraception. There are many different types, the pill, implant, patch, all sorts, and you need to discuss what is right for YOU individually. It may take a couple of months to find one that suits you and doesnt give you any bad side effects, and you may have to try different brands etc. But this is something you need to discuss with a medical professional. They will also do a general health check to make sure your body can cope with taking contraceptives - as essentially you are messing with your natural hormones.
BUT if you are planning on having any kind of sex and do not want to get pregnant this is important. You also need to use a condom too as the pill etc will not protect you from diseases and infections, which can lead to infertility, nasty uncurable bugs you will have to live with forever, or even things which can kill you.
Sex is not a game, you need to know what you are doing, and what the consequences are. At the moment, I really do not think you are ready. I would hate to see you get hurt, or end up pregnant and alone because you thought casual sex was a good thing to do.
Tiger x
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A
male
reader, Milo117 +, writes (6 March 2011):
 Do not do this! i'm the same age as you so i can see where your coming from but this is a really bad idea do not have casual sex with people especially as your a virgin your first time should be meaningfull and special don't just do it for the sake of it please while yes you may enjoy it i can almost guaranteed that you will be emotionly damaged because of it. If you must do it then you can get the pill from your Gp sexual heath clinics and connections. You should call connections and talk about this as there really good and are designed for people our age.Please don't do this it's not worth it find someone you at least care about
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