A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:-This is lengthy. If I want a full answer, I need to give the full story.-This might sound a little...odd, for some people, because it'd looked down upon, more than likely. [I live in a small town with retirees- if it's not traditional, it's Satan.]On St. Patrick's day, I was going to Checkers for lunch with a couple of friends, and I had a friendly chit-chat with the man taking my order- who happens to have grogeous eyes. _[By chit-chat, I mean nothing special. He asked how my day was, I told him fine since I hadn't been pinched, and then what he recommended from the menu, and just went along with that.]And then boom: "My boss might get me if he sees this, but can I get your number?"Now I'm not that stupid. I asked him how old he was, and turns out he's 9 years older than me."...You're a bit older than me, but here's your dollar tip." :DBut, he wasn't entirely closed to the idea.It bothered me, not the 'what ifs situations', but simply by giving my number to an older man. Should I or not? Should I or not? It's probably for sex, but should I or not? _Later that night, a friend who used to work at Checkers pulled some strings and found out that the boy was the type that didn't do relationships, and basically just wanted sex.Bad part- I don't care.Bad part- I don't want my friends to know that.Bad part- I'm not into relationships either [but I'm not going around whoring myself. I'm still a V.]Good part- I'm not jumping into it. I don't know him, but I'm not against the idea of no-strings-attached...sorta.I'm not asking for a relationship. I'm not asking to know his personal life or his emotions, his favorite movies or anything, And he doesn't have to know mine. Basically, yes, I'm considering giving my number to a 29 year old for a reason that a lot of people don't like.I'm not a romantic young girl. I don't fall in love, let alone believe in it. Flowers, candy, sweet words and little notes don't do the trick. You can't catch my interest, but you can't woo or make me fall. I don't like it.I know I need to make sure everything's safe. [Diseases, occupational status, kids???, hopefully he won't kill me and bury me in a ditch-sorta thing]And if there's too many things wrong, I'll drop the entire idea. Another thing is, I'm a V. After reading up on tips, I think that'll create some problems.What I'm asking is, how do I go about doing this? [And if you want to criticize, go ahead. I have no support whatsoever on this idea. I'm not telling anyone about it, because it's just not something I feel comfortable telling my friends. ANYTHING will do. Change my mind, give me advice, something. Really.][Why?]-I don't want a relationship.-I have no emotional let out in my life.-...which btw has hit me with events day after day._; Internal drama. Love it.Anything you might be able to help with...?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2011): Cerberus-[I guess my question was full of loopholes, huh?]Thanks for answering in depth, and after getting insight from it and seeing that- yeah, I am setting myself up for something painful, and it isn't a smart thing to do even though it's tempting, I'm not going along with it. You've changed my mind in more ways than one, and it's enough to drop the whole thing. I'm not bulletproof, I'm not prepared, I will end up getting emotions involved, and I will have to deal with it alone, along with physical consequences. And I am wrong about what you pointed out. The fact that I've never 'been in love' just makes me more blind to the fantasy.[And I'm aware about family love and of the such, I wasn't specific enough. Intimacy/significant other love was what I meant.]Your old position helped me to see, or at least get an idea, from his side, so thank you for helping me learn a few things and not end up as a mess in the end. :)Angziety-You're right, I think I'm just going to wait for a close relationship. Thank you though. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2011): OP here's the key statement in your question "I have no emotional let out in my life" Understand what that means to you, because it's obvious this is not no strings for you and will not be. The idea is exciting, it's peaked your curiosity but the reality of it is very different than you imagine.I'm not criticizing, I'm not judging nor am I against no strings sex, I've had plenty of it and it can be fun. But I seriously doubt it will be for you.You see OP no strings sex is only good once you know the score, once you've experienced sex before and know the emotions involved. It's nothing to do with performance or anything like that we guys like virgins just as much as we do experienced women, but for your own emotional safety it's better that you start off with a guy you're dating and have an emotional bond with. You see the statement I quoted means you've already put an emotional aspect to this and honestly OP no strings sex can be hard to pull off because it's hard to separate emotions from such a close personal act as entering/being entered by someone sexually.OP no offence but you're lying to yourself too. You say you don't care then why not tell your friends? You see that makes no sense and no, them being conservative is not a reason, you may tell yourself that OP but it's a crock. You know they'd disapprove because they care and a virgin embarking on no strings sex with a guy known to be a player and user of women is a massive risk, an experienced woman who is head strong and stubborn getting with a guy like that will very easily get her heart broken too. What you're basically proposing is putting yourself into a situation where you can very easily get hurt, you're actually proposing getting with a player and just so you know, it's the girls that think they're immune to love, that no guy can break down their emotional brick wall, they're the girls that get destroyed by guys like him because they get completely caught off guard when emotions do enter the fray. OP you have no experience so you have no basis for comparison, you may think you can completely separate your emotions from this but you just don't know what will happen once it's on. Especially seeing as this guy is a decade older and a player, he'll pick you up and throw you away, he'll be in charge in all this and you will be at his mercy.You're not just taking a risk here OP, you're going into a situation where it's 99% guaranteed you'll get hurt. Please don't think I'm patronizing you OP, or saying you're not a strong independent woman, in control of her own life and capable of dealing with anything, it sounds like you are. But honestly emotions are not something we can control or turn off, they're not something we can predict either and as I said it's the people that are fully sure they're bulletproof that get the most hurt."I'm not a romantic young girl. I don't fall in love, let alone believe in it. Flowers, candy, sweet words and little notes don't do the trick. You can't catch my interest, but you can't woo or make me fall. I don't like it." OP you're not the only girl like that but in my experience girls that say that just haven't experienced it yet. You can say you don't believe in love but it exists so your statement is wrong, you may believe you're not capable of love or can't be wooed, again you're wrong. You just haven't been wooed by a guy you like enough yet. We're all capable of that, you love your family pet for instance or your mom and dad. Romantic love isn't that different.Okay just to summarize the situation you're proposing:1. The guy is 9 years older, that wouldn't matter too much except for the fact that you're a virgin and not only have very little experience but have absolutely no idea what kind of impact it can have on you.2. He's a known player, you have been warned by others what kind of guy he is and you should never ever ignore someones history. What would you tell a friend who is proposing to get with a guy known to play?3. You won't tell your friends, so you have absolutely no support network on this, if things go wrong and you get hurt you have no backup, OP back up is essential. Have you seen what happens to people who have to face heart ache and pain alone? It drives people crazy. You have no one to talk to about what he says or does, you have no one to make sense of those things or advise you, and honestly OP I've had a lot of long term and short term relationships over the years having friends to bounce situations, things said and to talk to when confused is a vital safety net. You need that kind of support to get objective viewpoints that you will be incapable of having in the mix of emotions.4. Take it from someone with a lot of experience, the idea of no strings sex is very often more exciting and fun than the reality. The fantasy of going ahead and having a sneaky fling with someone you know you shouldn't is far more appealing than what actually happens.5. It is very obvious from your question that this a fantasy to you, you think a lot of things about this, you think you're prepared but you've already put an emotional aspect to this, you already see this as an emotional outlet and as a solution to your life situation so it's already there. Now if you lose your virginity to a guy who has sex with you then never calls you again you're going to get hurt.6. Players only want virgins once, once they have your virginity your useless to them. I hate to say it OP but I've been that guy. I'm not proud of it but I was young and dumb, you see virginity is the prize, once that's taken then as a player, the casual no strings guy that I was virgins are useless after that because no strings sex is better with a girl who knows what she's doing and it's just hassle having to have crap sex with a girl of very little experience when you can just go out and find one that has. Of course if there were no other girls around then I'd keep the virgin until I found one and quite a few of them have fallen for me in that time because I played them. Yeah I was an asshole.The old me used to love girls like you, the bulletproof virgin who thought she was invincible. I used to take great pride in proving them wrong and even when I had no intention of that it happened none the less. I was an absolute dick I know but you want to know what I learned? I learned that those are the girls fall the fastest and the hardest. They're the ones that think just because no guy has broken down that wall before that it can't be done and when it happens it destroys them and they become even more closed off and bitter after it. It becomes even harder for any truly nice guy with good intentions to get close to them and they lose out big time. I know one girl I was with and strung along for a while that still hates me with a passion and with good reason, it took her years to trust another guy because she felt she couldn't trust herself with guys because all that invincibility she believed she had was torn down when she fell in love with me. Okay lecture over haha.How do you go about doing it? Easy, give him your number and let him do the rest.Some safety advice if you still intend on going ahead with it.Do tell a friend or friends OP, you need back up. Do be prepared for everyone in your town knowing. Taking someones cherry is a prize that we guys just can't help but brag about. And don't for one second think you can't be hurt, it's more than likely you will and if you're not prepared to feel used and dirty then it will hit you like a tonne of bricks. Be safe, wear condoms, and take plan b just to be sure.Be safe with this in the sense of getting to know him a bit first. Don't just meet up with him and go straight back to his place. Make him work a little first. You just don't know if this guy is respectful or if in the bedroom he won't take no for an answer should you change your mind. Good luck OP, no strings sex with a player for your first time is a guarantee of pain. It's not the best idea at all.
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