A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:(Mod note: two questions merged together)ONE: im really insecure with the fact that my boyfriend has a lot of girl friends. he has one in particular, who is undeniably gorgeous, talented and popular. in comparison to her i cant help but feel like a discarded lump of coal.it's not that i think he's going to do anything with her, it's just the fact that i don't like him being alone with this girl. she is very nice on the outside, but knowing her for quite a while i have noticed that she is self indulgent and will willingly use other people to benefit her. i have spoken to my boyfriend about this. i respect that they are friends, and that they should hang out. i don't understand why it always has to be alone, and why it always has to be in the form of some whole day outing by the beach or by a nice park. its not a regular occurence, and he always tells me beforehand of their plans. i did not want to make it a big deal so i just said okay, but my friends are saying that its pretty ridiculous that i can be okay with him spending some sort of picnic by the beach with this girl alone. am i being unreasonable? i don't want to be a clingy girlfriend. please help!-----TWO: i think i am more in love with my boyfriend than he is with me, despite the fact that he had said i love you way before i felt the same about him. we have been close friends for 2 years now, and we have gone out for almost a year and we both say that we are each other's best friends. but when it comes down to it i need him more than he needs me. this has been troubling me lately because i am, by nature very emotional. i didn't use to be this dependant on him, and i don't really like this feeling. i'm always thinking about him and i want to spend most of my time with him and it worries me because i don't think he's that dependant on this relationship. what can i do? do i make him put more of an effort into the relationship
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2009): There is always the feeling of not being good enough.But my advice is to not worry to much on this "other girl" bcuz thats all she is and just feel lucky that ur with him and not her.
instead of bumming urself out about this, set up some dates with ur man that way hell be closer to u.
I get jelous too but i remember talking to my ex once on he phone and he told me that he doesnt flirt with other girls and i told him ok u tell me right now that u have never flirted with a girl while we went out and i will believe wat u say. and he paused and he admitted to flirting with other girls and that day i respected him so much more
so basically talking to ur man will help or if talking makes u too nervous text him..letting him know might be better in the long run
good luck :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2009): It is possible that though he is sincere and genuine, his personality is just not the 'right' one for you. You may find more security in someone who has less female friends.
Coinciding your second question, how do you measure love? A spoon? A cup? A weight? A ruler? In fact, love is 'measured' by one's mind frame and perception. In other words, you personally apply criteria to what you believe or feel he 'should' do to reciprocate the things you say and do for him. Which unfortunately, is not a 'good' way in any form of friendship or intimate companionship to go by. Of course, it is not wrong to measure reciprocation. It cannot be helped, if you have been developed this way.
The more optimal choices I see for you is 1) you continue to do what you do and accept that he is what he is, 2) you openly communicate your thoughts to him and see what he says about it and go on from there, or 3) you take a 'break' from the relationship and explore other avenues.
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