A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am in panic mode, I met a man on line whom I love greatly. We have been spending each weekend together, he has spent time with my son and myself and I have met his family, but unfortunately I keep having insecurity issues because he is a huge flirt and has all girlfriends whom he has had prior relationships with. He says that he isnt interested in anyone else but me, but he flirts constantly with the other women which leaves me feeling insecure. I broke down last night because he was talking to one of his friends, a girl and walked out of ear shot. Also, he went out with another women that is interested in him on Friday, when I went to a party with my girlfriends and she told him that I was insecure and she was still interested in being with him. I dont know what to do . In ways I feel like it isnt fair of me to have put those things on him, but it also doesnt seem right that he isnt respectful of our relationship. He is with me exclusively sexually but what about emotionally. Im not sure if he is going to break up with me, but he has been avoiding me today and keeps writing me like he is a friend.. not my lover.What do I do, is there anything I can do to turn it around?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 June 2013):
 Well there's flirting and then there is FLIRTING.
I'm a HUGE flirt. My husband is not. I will make eye contact and smile and maybe say something that is overtly sexually teasing but I have NO INTENT to follow through on my flirtations and the guys I flirt with and my husband all know this. it makes for fun and games more than discomfort.
I asked my husband once if it bothered him that I was such an outrageous flirt because if it bothered him (he's socially awkward on many levels) I was going to work very very hard to cease and desist my "overt" flirting out of respect for his needs and wants. THANKFULLY my very secure and confident husband said "You flirt like you breathe... it's part of your makeup"
He understands and accepts that my flirting does not mean I love him less or want him less or that I'm planning to cheat or that I'm disrespecting him. I'm very lucky that way because for me to stop flirting would be difficult on SOME levels as SOME of my flirting IS very natural and I don't even see it as flirting when others do.
That being said:
I am civil and cordial to my ex partners but I am NOT friends with them. I do not see a need for ex partners to be friends and if you do not have children together and were not married or living together long term, I can't see any reason to have ANY planned contact with ex partners.
He went out on Friday with another woman who interests him HOW was this defined? It appears to me that he's still dating others but only having sex with you? I'm not sure I'd be comfortable with that either.
Just because another woman told him SHE wants to be with him does not mean he's going to be with her. If a woman said that to my husband he would look at her and say "how does it feel to WANT?" because what another person wants does not define how he makes his choices of who he WANTS.
You can't punish him for what other women do or say. You can't respond to them only to his words and actions. They are inconsequential.
If you do not feel he is respectful of your relationship, say something to him.
you say he's 'avoiding you" and "keeps writing to me like i am a friend" so which is it... avoiding means NO contact.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 June 2013):
 I think that this is the key phrase in your submittal:
"..He says that he isnt interested in anyone else but me, but....." It was OK until you got to the "but"... because therein is the key to your "problem".... which (problem) is that you have a guy who is very willing to SAY whatever words are necessary to keep you interested.... but who refuses to "deliver" the BEHAVIOUR that backs up those words....
Yes, tell him - ask him - about it... and let him know that his behaviour IS unacceptable to you.... and... when he tells you that THAT is just "who he is"... THEN, tell him that "who he is" is going to have to continue on in his life withOUT WHO YOU ARE!!!!
Good luck...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2013): Well let's look at a few facts and see if we can draw some reasonable conclusions.You met this guy online and you've spent many weekends together. You don't specify how long it has been that you've known him; but if you've introduced him to your son, that's long enough. You are a mature woman; therefore, you have experienced heart-break, rejection, and perhaps divorce. You have unresolved issues with men; perhaps because most of your prior relationships ended poorly or badly. The key-word is, they "ended."You have to maintain confidence and believe in yourself. You have to trust your own judgment and instincts; and not allow desperation to have a man force you to ignore certain traits that make you uncomfortable. Nor allow blatant disrespect for your dignity as a woman. You don't like his flirtatious nature. Don't write that off as just an insecurity. That is a built-in defense mechanism. He remains too close and too friendly with his exes. If you don't like that, don't dismiss it. You have the right to hate it. What has your past experience taught you regarding such behavior? There you have it.If you were an inexperienced teenage girl jealous over her boyfriend looking at other pretty girls; I'd say: "he's just a stupid boy and that's what they do." A teenage girl can be more dismissive; because "boys" don't know any better. Men do!However; if she learns at that age that she doesn't like it and dumps that jerk, she will grow to be the woman who has the self-confidence and the power to decide what kind of man she feels is right for her. She will still suffer heart-break over a life-time, but she'll survive it; because she'll learn from each mistake and will try not to repeat them.She will not sacrifice her happiness and well-being by negotiating her principles. She compromises based on fair-play and common sense. Your heart will lie to your brain. My grandmother told me to trust my mind more than my heart. The brain can see through your eyes and hear through your ears. Then it can tell your body and heart what to do. If you just follow your heart, it will let you walk into a brick wall; and splatter your brain and other organs all over the place.Who says you have to ignore certain things a man does that you don't like? If that's a deal-breaker for you. Than don't wait for him to dump you, dump him. It's not always your loss, it's his too. Don't let your age or loneliness make you so desperate that you feel you "need" a man. You don't need one, you want to have one. Make a few platonic male friends to keep you company when romantic interests aren't available. Keep your feelings "platonic" and control any other inclinations. We have to have all types of relationships to survive on this planet.That means you would appreciate male companionship more; if it leads to a meaningful relationship. Don't settle for anything falling short of what you really want or will make you happy. It's still a big world, the internet only makes it seem smaller.There are more great men out there looking for a good woman than you can imagine. Broaden your search, don't narrow your vision.You just have to meet them one at a time; until you find the one you want, and who wants you back. That's the trick.Enjoy the variety, that's what makes being single more fun.My dear, you have successfully survived this long; and you gained a son as your reward. He needs to see his mother happy and content. He needs to know she can take care of herself while he is on his own journey through life. Too many women get the notion that the guy calls all the shots in the relationship. That if she doesn't allow him to dump on her feelings, she'll never find or keep one. That is not true, and you know it. There are mature and decent men out there who can still appreciate the beauty of other pretty women; without making the girl he's with feel like he's doing her a favor by honoring her with his magnificent presence; and spending a few dollars on dinner. Most woman can do that on their own.If he's avoiding you, so be it. How many times did you just give in to please some guy who eventually dumped you for some other woman anyway? Ditch him first. Go get your hair done, buy a few new outfits, and prepare for your future.He's not the last guy on earth. He was good for a few good dates and possibly good in the sack. He has a flaw that you don't like. Don't pretend it's you. It's him. Call it like you see it, lady!If he comes out of hiding and wants to pick up where he left off, you can state your feelings about it. You feel that he should establish where he and you are going for now; and put what he used to have on the back burner for a while. He has to act his age, and not like some 25 year-old playboy. Presuming he isn't a 25 year-old playboy?If his old girlfriends are too important to put aside for the time being, inform him that you understand; and wish him well and farewell. You would rather date men who are available, and much more respectful of your feelings. It was nice while it lasted. Then pull yourself together and concentrate on yourself.Build your self-esteem on the fact that you're responsible for your own happiness. No man is going to come along and deliver it to you. That is an unrealistic expectation.Trust your gut-feelings and don't be afraid to end a relationship because you think it will probably not work."Self-sacrifice" does not lead to a happy relationship. It means you're mentally unbalanced and needy as hell.Drop the notion that men can't control their urges, have no respect for women, and you don't have any choice but to accept whatever you can get. Nor do you have to tolerate flirtatious behavior that is directed anyplace but toward you! Playas will put you in a mental hospital or in an early grave. They'll humiliate you and make you look foolish in front of other women.When you are certain you have gotten over him and your heart is truly up to it. Restart the dating process.Put your mind ahead of your heart. Avoid those brick walls! It's a grave mistake to think that maturity gives us fewer choices. It sharpens our skills to make better choices, and fewer mistakes!
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (4 June 2013):
 I have a friend like this as Im myself am a flirt. Only when Im exclusive do I end my flirting tactics. If the relationship is good dont be insecure. It seems like there is something else going on either way. I myself when Im with you Im with you but if anything is off Im looking to move on cause we all have needs some need is not being met so people flirt. They say some men are dogs and like to chase cat. Its possible you didnt get a dog and got a gentleman that will treat you right. You two will treat each other loving and caring. Also without other girls and ex lovers. He may also have trust issues with you. I use to be the type to that looks for someone Im never single and alone maybe he is doing that taking precaution. He may feel your leaving first.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2013): Its very easy: tell him. What are you going to loose, if he says he can't llive with your requests? You are going to loose someone who goes out with another woman when you have girls night out, who tells him that you are insecure?! How do you know about it, of course he told you, didn't he? Do you want someone like that, who is flirting unmercifully, has no respect for your relationship, goes out with other women? Tell him calmly, tell him you love him, but this what you need from him.
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