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female
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anonymous
writes: I started a relationship with a colleague 8 years my senior. Before we got together, we were merely on a working relationship and teased each other occasionally. During that period, I got to know of his past relationship. His ex (who also worked in our company, but she left before I joined) took the initiative and always asked him out. He was taken aback by the attention (he is a shy guy) and thought that she was sending him signals that she liked him.They were together for about 6 months. Unfortunately, my boyfriend went on 1 month's exam leave (he is studying for a part-time degree). By the time he came back, she has already "switched target" to another guy who had recently joined the section. This guy happened to be my boyfriend's buddy as well. The woman claimed that my boyfriend was the one who loved her but she didn't feel anything special for him. This sudden twist of events caused extreme pain for my boyfriend. He realised that ultimately, the buddy was not to blame. The woman was promiscuous (she slept with many men before being with my boyfriend) by nature, and it could have been another guy, this buddy just "happened to be there" at that time. Eventually the woman left the company, in fact she left the country. The month in which she left was the one that I joined the section. It has been 10 months since she left before my boyfriend started asking me. This is my first relationship, and I quite liked him so I agreed to his request.I was also touched by the fact that he has quit smoking for me. You may say I am naive to believe a long-time smoker could have done this....or that he would resume smoking once our relationship gets more stable and he knows I can't leave him anymore. Nonetheless, I see this as a trust and if he really betrays it, I would rather be the one to be hurt than the one to inflict pain. However much I like this guy, I think I am not mature enough (I am 25 years old already, but trust me, this is my first relationship so I don't know how to handle it well) to handle his ex. Actually, most of the times, I feel like I am the one spoiling our relationship. These are the spoilers: (1) I kept asking him if I was a rebound, or (2) he compared me to his ex (I saw her pic before and she was pretty, while I am just a plain Jane). (3)We are in an Asian society and my boyfriend is 33 years old. He is a family-oriented person and he feels that at this age, he wants to settle down. This often sets me wondering whether he could have chosen me because he finds me okay, and he no longer wants to look any more further and hence, just pick the one 'he can get his hands on'. This also boils down to my lack of confidence. (4)I guessed we sort of rushed things a bit when we started together.Becoming lovers without having a long-term friendship.....will such relationships last? He liked me because he saw my strengths. However, he did not know me long and deep enough to uncover my weaknesses. My worry is he will get disillusioned one day, but still decide to hang on with me because he doesn't want to search anymore. That thought always makes me feel "second-class". (5)For the initial 2 months, he had been very patient in reassuring me. But time after time, I doubted him and questioned him again and again. I am ashamed of my behaviour. I feel like I was abusing his love and pushing it too far.Lately, I kinda feel that he has pulled back a bit, not as warm as before. I am not sure it is once again my imagination.I am worried that he may want to get out of this relationship but not sure how to put it. I tried asking him, but he said his feelings have not changed, and suggested bringing me back to meet his parents.I need to ask myself: Am I worthy of love? I thought of breaking up with him, but I feel deeply in me, I AM THE PROBLEM. If I don't set my mentality correct, it will be the same in future whoever I am with.
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confidence, his ex, period, shy Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): Sorry this wasn't answered sooner. DearCupid wasn't as well known and less people could answer questions.
It sounded like a very complicated story. I'm sure your through it now, but of course your worthy of love. Everyone can feel love. Theres no right or wrong, no restrictions.
You know what some of the stuff was wrong, and I'm sure now its a benefit to your life now.
I'm sure through this time, you are now 'mentally' correct.
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