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female
age
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*endy123456
writes:i am 50 years old going through menopause have gone completly off sex my partner for 2 years has informed me during a heated discussion that he is paying for porn channels of sky every month and is masturbating to it i feel sick and disgusted with him and he cant seem to understand what the problem is he said he only does it for my benefit as he doesent want to have an affair or go to a brothel so he does that he says he is only thinking of me in the long run.but in my eyes that is still a form of cheating am i wrong in thinking this and am i normal to be feeling like this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2009): So when is it "acceptable" for this man to get into a recreational sex relationship to fill the gap?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2008): Yes, certainly talk to your GYN about this problem. As others have said, it is most likely the change in your hormones that accompanies menopause. Your testosterone and progesterone are decreasing and your estradiol is possibly going up. This will kill your sex drive. A lot of men go through this change too, with the same hormones going up and down as in women. However, it is not a given that it will happen to men as it is a given for women. There are some GYNs who understand hormones very well and others who don't. Some are willing to prescribe progesterone cream and testosterone creams to women and some don't know enough about it to want to risk anything. Read some of the discussions on healthboards.com in the Sexual Health - Women board and you will see that many women have gone through what you are going through.
As to the porn - it is NOT cheating. You should be thankful that he is not out looking for sex elsewhere. He most likely feels that you don't like sex with him any longer. Men need a sexual release more than most women. Stop him from watching porn and deny him any sex and you will either lose him or he will really cheat on you with sex with an actual other women, not just a fantisy woman.
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reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (27 June 2008):
 Hi, I expect you both are feeling unloved by the other partner right now. It must be tough starting menopause and having your hormones fluctuating and changing your life. I'm sure that is very upsetting for you. He must be upset too, to learn that the woman he loves doesn't desire him sexually anymore. That is a very tough thing to deal with.
So you're both hurting and you're both angry and you both have the right to your feelings. But you need to understand his side too. How long are you two going to be together? You should have 25-30 or more years together. Do you really think it is fair on him not to have sex that entire time?
While I expect the discussion was heated, and he might have been trying just a bit to hurt you, I think he's doing what he can to cope with the new situation, the new change in you.
I agree with Birdy, you should get yourself to the doctor's rightaway and find what treatments are available to help you regain your lost sex drive. I really think that it's the change in hormones, unless you've never really liked sex?
So I expect you're normal to be feeling like this, but I have to say that he is doing the best he can to cope with this situation, and isn't thinking of cheating. In this case, I do not think that watching porn is cheating, honestly.
So off to the doctors right away, and I hope you two can understand each other in order for this relationship to survive!
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male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (27 June 2008):
 I think you are quite selfish. You are like the proverbial dog in a manger. And prudish to boot.
The ball is in your court to try and do something about your sexual relationship. He's doing his best, in the best way he can. Instead of being disgusted with him, you should be thankful that he's so faithful. Wanking to porn is not "cheating"; it's finding a means of release that doesn't involve physical intimacy with another person.
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (26 June 2008):
 You should go and see you OB/GYN. You shouldn't accept that the loss of your sex drive is an inevitable conclusion for yourself simply because you have gone through menopause. There are plenty of treatments available that will bring back your spark, that don't affect your health. There is a low-dose "vaginal pill" that counteracts the vaginal dryness that can lead to a lack of desire.
As far as you marriage goes, the fact that you have gone through menopause shouldn't be the end of your husbands sex life either. Sex is part of the marriage contract between spouses, and as much as possible, each partner should do their best to try to make their partner happy. I'm sure once you talk with your Doctor, you will be able to get back to normal marital relations and he will be MORE than happy to put away the porn. Good Luck Hun.
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reader, koler +, writes (26 June 2008):
He has had no sex for 2 years, and you are upset that he started looking at porn? He's a Saint not to have had an affair by now. You are wrong on this one. If you want him to stop looking at porn then you should try to be more intimate with him. He understands that you are going through a tough time, but he's only human, and he needs a release.
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