A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:At first I was reluctant to speak to her as her ex boyfriend and i were close friends. he cheated on her and she phoned me the night they split up to see if he had spken to me as she couldn't get hold of him. i saw her the next day and we started to hang out and talk to each other for a month or so after they split up. we would talk on the phone regularly and exchange text messages. Up until this point I had considered our relationship as nothing but friendship and it wasn't untill one of her friends asked me how I felt about her. obviously i said that i considered her a good friend and mentioned that i now felt quite close to her. Her friend then stunned me by saying that she liked me. I was surprised by this statement and was very confused about my own feelings towards her so i made my excuses to her friend and went home needing time to think about how I felt about her. Having considered it and the fact that she meant the world to me I decided that i liked her too for some reason that i cannot explain i did not even broach the subject during the next few days or in conversations with her. I had some work appointments down in cornwall that week so decided to go and visit her. we went to the beach and then we went back to hers and she put her little one to bed and we watched a dvd. again i did not mention anything i think due to, as far as i can tell self confidence and embarrasment, even though her friend had told me that she liked me. That night i left at eleven and drove back to the hotel angry with myself for the fact that i could not tell her how i felt. I left the next day and returned home. The more we talked on the phone the more my feelings for her grew. She was so warm and welcoming it was nice to talk to someone who was funny and intelligent and we really clicked with each other. I returned to cornwall 2 weeks later still having mentioned nothing of my feelings to anyone. Again we went to the beach saw her family whom i knew through her cousin and stayed in with the tv. I wanted so much to tell her how i felt that was stronger than with anyone before but the words just did not come even though the oppurtunity had arisen several times that night. Again i returned home having said nothing and growing even more in love with her as every secondpassed. That weekend i could not contain myself any more and sent her a text (childish i now but it was all i felt that i could do) telling her how i felt. She replied saying that she liked me to, I was over the moon but being pessamistic replied with " As a friend?". She replied with "and a little bit more but thats meant to be a secret".I was amazed that somebody i had such strong feelings for felt the same way about me, or at least had feelings for me. Just as I was thinking that i couldn't believe it, i got a text which made me wish that i hadn't. it read along the lines of "but i feel that i should tell you that i'm not looking for anything at the moment" blah blah and basicly excuses as to why not. I was devistated and didn't know what to do. eventualy i settled on not texting back or calling. This was fine for a couple of days until she text me asking if i was alright. I replied to the text and was once again caught in the trap with no visible exit. i continued with the friendship despite my feelings thinking that if i carried on as friends my feelings would eventually change into friendship, however the opposite happened and i ended up falling in love with her. we both went out on last saturday night and i thought i would be ok however it dawned on me that i would never be with her and that she could easily find someone else out that night. as she was there with her group of friends and i was there with mine i felt that i could go home unnoticed not wanting to witness her with anyone else. I arrived home and went to bed. Just as i got to sleep i was woken with a text from her asking me where i was. i text back and told her that i was at home and in bed. she then text back telling me that she was heading home as everyone was argueing and she was tired. i said ok and told her to text me when she got a taxi home. She text me back telling me she was home. i had decided that i was going to sort it out once and for all. I text her asking if there was any chance of us ever being together. she text back saying that she loves me to bits but was scared that if we tried and it didn't work we would ruin our friendship.I said I understand that but i need to know as my head was so messed up already. she text back thats ok sorry. She then text me asking me to not get weird. I said i wouldn't and that i would call her tomorrow but she thought i was already being funny with her. Truth be told i think i was but only because i didn't know where to go from there. I promised her that i wouldn't get funny but needed some time to get my head around things. I went away on holiday straight after and have seen her tonight where we are both acting like nothings happened. I already know what i need to do just need some advice on how to deal with it. Not sure how i messed up with it really and know have just got to get on with it. Sorry about the spelling and grammar but i have been up all night and have typed this in a hurry. any advice welcome.
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confidence, cousin, her ex, my ex, on holiday, split up, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice. Have resigned myself to the fact that it's never going to be anything more and feel as though I am now ready to start moving on. Not quite sure how long it's going to take but hopefully it will happen eventually. Dear Kelja I am not sure how I would have dealt with this problem without the advice you have given me. You have done something for me that none of my friends would have been able to deal with and your directly responsible for me to be able to move on with my life. I have been very unhappy for the past couple of months and now I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. If there is ever anything I can do for you please don't hesitate to ask. Words really can't describe how greatful I am that you were there for me. Thankyou.
A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (8 December 2007):
 Hello,
Given what she has told you, yes, I do tend to believe her. It is possible to know somebody too well and be uncomfortable in a relationship with them. If she has shared all of her emotional baggage with you then she may not want the closeness of a physical relationship with you.
If you are ok with being her friend then that is great. We can all use good friends and I think a male/female friendship is a good thing. It will be hard in the beginning for you to see her with someone but I also know that if she ever cared for you in that fashion that it will be just as difficult for her to see you with someone else.
I have no intention of getting your hopes up but it is also possible that as she matures and grows closer to you and sows some of her oats that your friendship could work into something bigger. Don't plan on this now. If I were you, I would enjoy her company as a friend and move on to dating other women. A happy confident man is pretty hard not to fall in love with and who knows you may find the woman of your dreams out there who will take her place in your heart. Take Care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhello, sorry it's been so long since my last post. Just to let you all know we had quite a long chat the other night. I basicly said that I couldn't deal with what was happening and as the conversation went on it turns out that she did like me as more than friends when we first started getting to know each other. Her friend told me this before we got to really know each other and I just dismissed it as a runour and I think the fact that I was still friends with her ex at the time stopped me from even mentioning the subject. She told me that because we had become such good friends that she did not want a relationship with me in case things turned bad and we fell out. I'm not sure I believe this is true as it seems like quite a bad reason to not get involved with someone because you know them to well. She explained that I know her better than anyone and she just couldn't deal with having a boyfriend that knew everything about her. I don't really know what to believe really but I do think I can be friends with her even though it hurts so much not to be with her. She told me that I was the most important thing in her life and to be honest she is in mine. If I see her with anyone else though it really hurts even though she is only flirting with them. I don't really know how I feel anymore because I think I'm finally accepting that she's not interested in me anymore. She said that I got too close. Is this true or just an excuse? Just need to feel that I understand why really. Thanks for all your previous answers as well. Dear Kelja an answer from you would be really appreciated as you seem to understand whats happening.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (26 November 2007):
I can understand why you caved in, she needed you. But you need to be sure you are not going to be "used" in the process. Both of you need to define what you want from the relationship but for now both of you need to be just friends as she has stated she is "messed up". She is not in a good place and any relationship started up right now will be a bit challenged. She really needs to heal from her hurt. If you choose to be her friend, good for you but you need to realize that you should NOT be anything more at this time. I hope you can do this, it won't be easy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all i would like to thank everyone for their advice. I would like to update you on what has happened and what I intend to do. I took your advice a few nights ago and sent a lengthy text on my feelings explaining that I needed some distance in order to sort my head out. I asked her to text back that she understood and was ok with this. She then text me back saying that if thats what i wanted then fine. As I was texting back ok I'm sorry she sent me another text saying that i'm not the only one who's messed up and that she's going through a hard time too but if this is how it's gonna be then fine. I obviously felt very guilty about this and rang her straight away. When she answered the phone she was crying and we had a very long talk. She said about how my friend had hurt her and that was why she was pushing me away and why she couldn't be with me because it was easier to just be friends. I was obviously upset that she was upset and so we just talked about how she felt. Not good at all and naturally I was really worried about her. I told her that I didn't mean what i said in the text and that I would somehow get over it. (I'm not sure why I said that, I think because she is feeling very low at the moment.) The next day I went to see her and give her a hug. We talked about nothing in particular for most of the night until she looked up and said that she'd understand if I did need to stay away for a while. I said I'd be fine and we left it there. She text me earlier today saying that she had a cold and i text back saying that i didn't and jokingly put I bet you've given it to me now. I haven't heard back from her all day and feel that I may be in a position to leave things for a while. I don't know if I am being selfish when she needs a friend the most and whether or not I should be there for her even though it really hurts me. I wrote at the top of this page that i knew what i was going to do but to be honest, i'm no closer to the answer than i was when i first posted this. I will be extremely grateful for any advice given.
PS sorry about the spelling again
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2007): She's not gonna get into something with you.Don't be her emotional BF in the future. Be her good friend still of course, but don't act like a BF all the time. If you serve as a halfway-to-BF to her, then you'll just make it that much easier for her to date another jerk next too. And he'll get all the sex while you do all the work.
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female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (21 November 2007):
You were honest with her and I think you handled things wonderfully. You waited until the time was right for you. You did not push things too fast. You did not push yourself on her. She is doing what she thinks is right and in a way, the friendship is very fragile right now. If you think you can be friends then I think you need to tell her that you need some distance for a time until you can sort out your feelings for her. If you are able to be her friend only then it would be good to be around her. If you are not able to get past your feelings for her and will always be thinking about "being more than friends" then I think your friendship is too difficult to continue. In addition, your feelings will continue to hold you back from finding someone who does want to be with you as more than friends.
It is possible that if you take a break from your friendship it will give her a chance to figure out her feelings but please don't get your hopes up that she will like you as more than friends.
The best relationships start out when two people are friends and it works into something more. But each of you have to have that spark. I wish you well.
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