A
male
age
51-59,
*onfusedMarriedmMan
writes:Hi,I have a big problem. I've been married for 12 years and known my wife for 14. We have 2 great kids and our relationship is great. I love my wife, I really do. I wouldn't do anything in the world to hurt her. Problem is I love her sister as well. No one knows my true feelings. I started working where my sister-in-law works (I've left that job since then) about 15 years ago. As soon as I saw her, I felt something right away. She was already married and, even though at the time I was still single, I didn't want to interfere in her marriage. She set me up on a blind date with her sister (now my wife) and we hit it off. I fell in love with my wife and I thought I was over her sister. As the years past, my wife and I had (and still have) a great marriage, but I've gorwn to love her sister more and more. I "fantasize" about her on a daily basis and it's been like this for 15 years. I've kept this to myself for so long and I really don't know what else to do. I know she has a lousy marriage because my wife tells me what she tells her (in confidense). She has 1 child and, apparently, she hasn't had any sexualy relations with her husband (nore anyone else) since she conceived her child 11 yrs ago. Because of her child, she's not looking to leave her husband and ruin her family, but now, I'm finding out she's looking for someone to just satisfy her and I'm losing my mind over this. I truly do love my wife, but I love her sister as well. Everytime I think of her, my chest hurts with pressure and can't think streight. I'm in a NO WIN situation. I guess these's no solutiuon to my problem and since no one knows my secret, I just want to vent a bit. If anyone knows some solution, please indulge me. I'm thinking to get hypnotized in some way to mask my feelings for her and maybe live a peacefull marriage. I know that I can't tell them what my feelings truly but if someone has lived or is going though this, please let me knowThanks
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male
reader, TFG2015  +, writes (6 February 2015):
Hi, i guess we are sailing the same ship. i too wanted to get married but she was young but her sister was of age ( too get married), now its four years later and gosh she is so beautiful and single. im jealous of other guys when they are around her it drives me crazy. i care for my wife deeply but her sister makes me insane. i tried keeping away and not talking to her for months, but as soon as i see her or she comes to visit, all the feelings comes flooding in like a tsunami. there is no way i can get out of this because it would be selfish and it would be just to satisfy my own desire of being with someone im not surpose to be with. she is a great person. im writing this because no one knows and it hurts so bad. and even if i tried to tell her how i feel im probably lose my wife and her sister, then id be the vilan (bad guy) in this story. like the saying goes the Hero never gets the girl. so i have to be the Hero in this scenario. i dont expect any advice or a shrink because i know what is expected of me.all i want to say is i love her and i made a mistake when i married her sister. This is my burden to carry. Some choices we cant take back but have to live with them.If she would one day read this column maybe she might know it was me. and thats the best gift i could ever get. i'm only human and the most difficult thing to do is the right thing. so here i am doing the right thing. Thanx for listening
A
female
reader, LoveGirl  +, writes (12 April 2010):
"A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2010):
seems like the LOVE you have for your wife is merely a figment of your imagination......" by the way this was my response on the 24th.
To Ilove mysisinlaw, had to rate you a 5. Loved this response. It is mature, it is consistent and it is Real. You have feelings, you contain it, you set boundaries and I am sure you would NEVER want to hurt your wife in any way. In the end you are a gem of a husband. And please keep it that way. Don't tell your wife but I think she will never trade you in. She knows what she has. i am sure you value her too. It is the choices we make in life that determine whether we truly love the ones we claim to love. Yes fantasies do exist (how else do you spice up the sex life after soo many years) but we have to contain these fantasies and not let it RUIN our lives.
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A
male
reader, ILoveMySisterInLaw +, writes (9 April 2010):
I to am in this same situation. I look forward to the day she is supposed to stop by the house. In the back of my mind though, I know nothing will ever happen. These are twins, but totally act differently. I get along with the sister much better, and could enjoy life with her as well. Every guy has fantasized about his wife's sister at one point or another, but in my situation, she keeps telling me my wife that she wishes that she could have married me before she did, which makes me want to shout my true feelings for her, but I would never do that because it would tear my wife completely apart, and I did marry her with all intentions of staying married, and that is what I'm gonna do. Atleast she will be a part of my life as long as my wife keeps me around. ..Am I'm OK with that.
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A
male
reader, manperson101  +, writes (6 April 2010):
Sorry mate but I'd have to disagree with Timm about the telling your wife issue. No matter how you put it she'll be upset about it and it could ruin you're relationship with your wife and could cause a rift between your wife and her sister which isn't fair either!
If you act awkwardly around comments of her with other guys and explain your jealousy as protectiveness over her. Your wife will probably appreciate that anyway and it is also true.
Again, don't do anything rash!
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (25 March 2010):
 Probably a little of both. It is very common to be wonder about the one that "could have been". Even if you aren't talking about marriage, it's not unusual to wonder what sex would have been like. But at the same time since you've known her for so long and even married her sister, it's common to have some protective type feelings for her.
Are you more or less just looking to try to understand your own feelings at this point or are you looking for some suggestions on how to deal with your situation?
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A
male
reader, ConfusedMarriedmMan +, writes (25 March 2010):
ConfusedMarriedmMan is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes and no. I am not confused about my wife. I am confudsed about my SIL. Is it because I've always wanted her and I never had her that's driving me? or is it I really am in love with her and the thought of someone else servicing her is driving me nuts all of the sudden. i don't know. I'm in a no win situation
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2010): seems like the LOVE you have for your wife is merely a figment of your imagination..........your LUST for your SIL is destroying your marriage. seems like you want to volunteer to be her f*ck buddy.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (23 March 2010):
Fair enough. I guess it depends on the relationship your wife and you have, and how honest you can be with eachother. Put yourself in her position for a second. What if she came to you and said she was in love with your brother (even if you don't have one).
If you are THAT close and you trust eachother completely, then you can try bringing it up to her. I'd suggest toning down the amount of love you have for her sister. Maybe say since you met her first and was attracted to her first, you still care for her very much and are very protective. Depending on how she reacts from there you can even add that you've felt guilty over the years feeling this way about her. But NEVER bring up fantasizing about her at this point. You want to show your wife that you're trying to help her sister, NOT cause any issues between you and your wife.
Honestly, though, I don't see any way to really help YOUR feelings. Either way you're going to have to bury them. Do what's best for your wife and her sister.
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A
male
reader, ConfusedMarriedmMan +, writes (23 March 2010):
ConfusedMarriedmMan is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advise. I really appreciate it. My mind says let it go, then you got the heart that says...well you know. I know I'm in a no win situation and I cannot (and will not) say anything to my sister-in-law. Maybe if I told my wife, she'd better understand me in why I may act so strange around them. I think everything flared-up again when my wife told me her sister was looking for something outside her marriage. I was used to the fact she was with her husband and not having sex with him. Now the thought of someone else taking her is driving me nuts.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (23 March 2010):
I'll make it easy for you: Don't do it.
You're just going to have to do what countless other guys do and just keep the feelings to yourself. You still have those feelings for her because in your mind you believe it is possible to have a relationship with her somehow. You need to convince yourself that this is not possible. Once you do that it will become easier to let her go. But as long as you hold on to that fantasy it will continue to be hard for you.
Let it go man....
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A
male
reader, manperson101 +, writes (23 March 2010):
You're in a pickle mate! I'd say you love your wife, you have a great marriage great kids, don't ruin it! I reckon you feel more lust for this other woman than anything. This is a typical case of 'grass is greener'. More than anything this is probably psychological. She's the 'one that got away', the 'what-if girl'. Everyones been there! I had a situation similar to that in my 20s:
I randomly bumped into the girl I was in love with at school but never managed to get a date with because she always had long term older boyfriends, in London, after not seeing or hearing anything from her for 7 years. I'd changed a lot and she asked me to go out for a drink later that week. The problem was, I had a girlfriend of almost 3 years at home. I actually did go for the drink but felt really guilty and decided that my girlfriend meant a lot more to me than experimenting with my ultimate 'what-if girl'. Even though we ended up breaking up a few months later for unrelated issues, I know I did the right thing.
Continuing with your situation, how do know she's even into you? What if she shoots you down and you lose your family? There is almost no chance at all that you'll be able to keep it quiet and if your wife ever found out, no matter how forgiving she is, she would never forgive you!
... Its not worth it really is it!?!!!
Get over your crush and don't do anything you'll really regret!
Good luck with this!
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