A
male
age
41-50,
*onfusor
writes:So... here goes.I've been in a really abusive relationship with my girlfriend (call her Sarah) for about five years now, and I haven't had the balls to call it off until very recently.Here's the hard part: Sarah's younger sister (call her Becky) has been living with us for several months and I now find myself hopelessly in love with Becky. I've never felt this away about anyone before- I actually KNOW I want to marry her, to have kids with her. Her presence in a room just changes who I am, and makes me want to stay. I want to be with Becky. I can't get her out of my head, she haunts my dreams in ways I never experienced before (dream of marriage, kids, life together).Nobody I ever dated or had interest in before including Sarah made me feel like this or made me want to marry them on the spot. We've spent a lot of time together outside of Sarah, and I feel like we have the kind of relationship that could go somewhere if I were to maybe make some inroads.I know I sound like a terrible person, like I want to 'jump ship' now that I found someone else... but I stuck it out with my Sarah through years of her depression, and dealt with her incredibly mentally abusive personality for so long because she said she would kill herself if I ever left her. There were attempted suicides, and long periods of her berating me for having a personality that didn't mesh with hers. I've suffered mentally and financially from this dead-end. I also wound up contributing a lot to their family, helping to pay bills, rescuing them when their car died on a road trip, flying them to places, etc). I've proven to Sarah and Becky and their family that I'm not some scumbag trying to f**k their daughter and run off. They know I'm a good person.But UGH! What am I supposed to do?!I don't know if Becky just likes me as a friend, as an 'in-law' or maybe has some of the same feelings I do for her. Every time we talk at length I realize how alike and how compatible we are. Most importanly I can be myself around her, and she likes me for it! I never got that with Sarah. Becky and I are really close friends now and I wouldn't want to lose her, but I can't deny my feelings much longer.Will Becky be disgusted, since I've been with Sarah? Could she possibly get over that fact? Could she feel the same way about me?I feel like I've finally found my soul mate, but there's so much complexity involved that I don't know if it could ever work. It's starting to make me really sad, knowing that something so right might not ever work out.I realized today that I would do anything to be with Becky, no matter what. I'm willing to throw everything away at one shot at being really happy for the first time in a long time. If she said yes, I would probably be the happiest person in the world.If she said no, I dunno what I would do.I need some guidance here.Please help me.
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female
reader, daisy_daisy234 +, writes (30 December 2010):
 Wow, your situation is very similar to mine except I would be Becky...the other difference is that my sister never truly loved her ex but they did have a son (not planned). They were together but never got along, it was more to keep each other company. Anyways, I wanted to answer to you in my point of view as a "Becky". He did reveal his feelings for me after years of keeping them inside, and I fell for him. For some reason, I just always thought this was wrong (maybe because at the time I was only 17) but he really truly loves me. I am now 20, and I still have not told my sister (I did have a secret relationship with him) but I never told anyone and it took me 3 years to make myself break up with him. Even though I know what he feels for me is true love, I do not dare to risk my relationship with my sister for him. I still do not know if I will one day, but it has been my torment for years. My point is that you should know, it will be terribly difficult for "Becky" to ever be with you because of the hurt she will do to her sister. Do you love her enough, that you would let her go and thus not cause her the pain to choose between you or her sister? Send me a message if want to talk sometime.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2010): Hello, i'm in the same situation as you. However, my gf is now my ex gf. I'm in love with her older sister. The last thing i wanted to do is to ruin the sisters relationship, i tried to disappeared twice but i just can't let go.
I'm currently living in pain and argony everyday knowing that this love will never have a happy ending. I wanted to let go so much but i just can't, i keep thinking about her every day, every night and every morning. i love her so much.
Did you talk to Becky? if so, How did she react?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2009): you say that "I've proven to Sarah and Becky and their family that I'm not some scumbag trying to f**k their daughter and run off. They know I'm a good person." so will a good person mess with one sister, dump her and move on with her younger sister? without thinking about the devastation he will be causing in this sarahs life. you may not love your gf (or is it ex gf) but to move on with her other sister is just plain sick, especiall since you have been sleeping with sarah for the past 5years. this is life not some fantasy fairytale. not loving sarah is one thing , you are entitled to this, but to move on with her sister is just a further nail in sarahs coffin. you are going to destroy any relationship these sisters have, any love they feel for each other. in fact you will be creating a sordid mess for this family. surely there are other women you can move on with , instead of your "sister in law, because his is exactly what this becky is. you have been her brother in law for 5 years. think very carefully about your next move. expect harsh criticisms for using both sisters. expect sarah to "hate" you forever. are you ready fir the mess you are going to cause in this family. are you ready for the emotional upheaval between the sisters. are you ready to mess up lives. sometimes our selfish needs should be curtailed. look at the bigger picture. if you are still willing to destroy a family then go ahead with becky. you may be confused now but you need to be realistic. there are some lines that should not be crossed. if you cross this with becky expect turmoil. in your life, saraha, beckys, their family and anyone else connected with you are sarah during your 5 years together.your 5 years with sarah lasted more than a lot of marriages. surely this was not all bad, leaving sarah is one thing, as i said before, leaving her for her sister is just plain cruel. do the right thing here. please do not persue an affair with becky. let the sisters be sisters without a man coming between them. seek comfort elsewhere and not with becky. do not sow heartache and pain, betrayal and humiliaion . if you do, you will reap this later. you say you are a good guy. it is time to prove it.good luck. i hope you do the right thing here.
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A
male
reader, confusor +, writes (14 July 2009):
confusor is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous - thank you for your advice, nice to get an outside perspective. I haven't told anyone about this yet, and it's been killing me having to just stew about it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2009): Hi,I'd say go and talk to Becky, tell her how you feel and find out how she feels too. If you have a good connection like you say you do she may have feelings for you too but may be afraid to tell you thinking that you may still love Sarah.If she says she does not have same feelings for you don't worry, sometimes in situations complicated like this people may need time to think things over. I know some cases where one person said did not have same feelings but overtime realized they did.Anyway, I hope this helps.Good luck!
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