A
male
age
41-50,
*arrnunn
writes:I am a 42 year old man who was married to my for 10 years to my best friend.Seven years ago she died. We have 2 kids together and I've been single ever since. Recently I moved so the kids could be closer to family and I met a beautiful young lady who happen to be my brothers ex-wife. They've been divorced for 8 years. They have 3 kids together. I've never met her until moving to my new home. But we have this amazing chemistry. She has a big heart and I am falling for her every minute as time goes by. Other family members have seen us together and they are demanding that We keep away from each other. I've only loved one woman my whole life. And now they want to discourage my one chance at love again. What should I do? Do I let go of my feelings for her? Or do I lose my family over love?
View related questions:
best friend, divorce, ex-wife Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (13 June 2016):
The Dude Code - you never ever date one of your brothers or friends girlfriends, no matter if they are currently with them or broke up with them 50 years ago.
Just dont do it, and any man who doesnt follow the Dude Code I will have nothing to do with on any level.
Women are a dime a dozen. No reason to go after ones your immediate circle has already slept with.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (13 June 2016):
 You've only known her under 2 months. If you like her, that's okay, but it will mess with your family and children. I'm not imposing my beliefs, I'm explaining why I don't think choosing a stranger over family (especially when kids are involved) is a good idea. You're already jumping into the idea that this woman you barely know is your last chance at love - that's unhealthy because it's putting too much pressure on something that's got no foundation.
Weigh up the pros and cons, but please put your children's interests first (if they are minors).
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2016): My kids are 9 &11. Hers are 12, 14 & 16. I appreciate all the responses. Maybe I do need counseling. I've never been a dating type. I met my late wife at 16 and stuck to her ever since. Since I've been widowed, I made a promise to myself that I would wait for the right woman to reveal herself to me. its been only 3 months and she continues to breathe new life into me. I'm afraid of the consequences for the kids. But if I am right about her, I will hope our admiration for each other will transcend to the kids and the rest of the family. My brother is a major concern.
He's not the reasonable type. He is a hammer who sees every problem as nails. I know what is coming downstream once he finds out about us. Love is a thing You feel in your bones. It's a hurricane than burrows it's way into shore and doesn't care who it hits. To give it up because my common sense says so or to fight for it and the promise it brings. Only time will tell.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2016): My wife died of breast cancer. At the time I reunited with my family,she was not around. Already divorced and remarried. I've heard a lot of toxic things about her from my brother. But she moved closer to the family after she went through her second divorce a few years ago. And I have been getting to know her since I moved in April.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2016): I am sorry for your loss. Why do you think this woman is your only chance?You are obviously not that attached to your family. I mean you had not even met your brothers wife before they divorced 8 years ago.But, I would speak to my brother. I wouldn't mention/speculate about how SHE feels. I'd just stick to the fact that I am the one who's interested and ask him how he felt.Maybe you'll get his support. Who knows, but it's definetly a respectful thing to do.Your family's reaction is somewhat normal. They want to avoid frictions at any cost. It's just the gut reaction, I don't think they thought it through. If your brother's ok with it, I don't see why they shouldn't be.There is a possibility however that they won't be OK with it, your brother included. I think that they have no right to not be OK, but that's just my opinion. First of all you haveto be sure how you really feel about her. You have to really get to know her. She has to get to know you too. It would be very bad for you to get into all that drama just to dump her a month later or be dumped by her is she cools off. Unfortunately, this pressure exists. Put yourself and the kids first.Now let's say that you're really made for each other. FORGET about what everybody else thinks, including your family and (yes) your brother too. They have NO RIGHT to impose souch nonsensical boundaries. They need to grow up and start taking care of their own business. However, that's likely not going to happen, so you need to toughen up and accept that you may have problems over this with them. But do not be hostile wuth them and defensive! Just be positive, love them and invite them to share your hapiness with you.How ready are you for any of that? How old are your kids? What do they think? I mean, they should become familiar with the situation ONLY when (and if) you get serious with this woman.Morally speaking neither you nor that woman have done anything wrong. I understand that some poeple think that teh exses are off limits. ANd they should live in accordance to their beliefs bur NOT impose them on others for no reason.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (13 June 2016):
I still think family members' exes are off-limits, especially when children are involved.
I think you need counselling to adjust to what has happened to you and open your eyes to the reality that she's not your only chance at love.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2016): Ah yes, the family drama unfolds now. You left out some very impertant details.You said you’d never met her but now it seems you’ve know her for 5 years. Dad abducted you at birth. Mom went on to have other children and your half brother was a drug addict.Definately need to bring in family councilling. Children should come first in this family drama as obviously they were not in the past in your family. Not saying you can’t make this work but to make distant cousins step siblings because you can’t see past your nose is selfish at best. Is there anything else you’ve left out, like prison or how wife came to die at age 35? That’s very young and must have traumatised the children and been devastating. Grief councilling? If this individual is the only person on the entire planet who you see as a potential love interest then your perspective is very small. Councilling needed ASAP
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2016): I've reunited with my family after 34 years. My dad took me away from my mom when I was born. So this is my half brother to be technical on my mothers side. I've only gotten to know him over the past 6 years. When we met, he was already divorced and remarried. I've know his ex 5 of those years. But only as a peripheral member of the family. They divorced because my brother was a drug addict.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (12 June 2016):
Firstly, I'm sorry for your loss, but you're not ready for another relationship if you're going to overdramatise it and say that it's your one chance at love - you don't even know her that well yet, so you don't know that this will turn into love.Personally, I couldn't lose my family over someone - unless I already had a long term relationship foundation with that person, you don't even know if it will work, so it would be better to step back now and not lose them.Quite frankly, I couldn't date a family member's ex. I've seen some women/men date/marry their dead sibling's widow/widower and I find that odd. To each their own, but it doesn't feel right to share partners, even if it's at different times. One of those no-go areas, especially when there are young kids involved - your kids' cousins would be step-siblings, if it went that far, but you'd have caused a big rift in *their* family. I don't think it's worth it, but you need to figure out if a stranger you may or may not have a possible short/long future with is more important to you than your family - your *children's* family, as it would affect their relationships too.If you're actually leaning towards this woman you barely know over your family, at least find out why they got divorced. Until then, I wouldn't suggest hanging out with her alone and never, if you (wisely, in my opinion) choose your family over trying with her.I know you can tell I'm biased towards sticking with your family, but that's because my advice is to always choose family over a new person. The reason is that you have no foundation with this new person; it *could* last years, but it's highly likely it would just be a very short romance, if it lasts at all. This is not your only chance at love, but you only have one family.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2016): You never met your brother’s wife? How bizarre. How sad that you are already so distant and/or estranged from your family that you never met the mother of your nieces and nephews.
It’s very dramatic to say there’s only one chance for you to ever love again in your entire life. A lot dramatic. In fact, so drama-filled that you need to take two great big steps back, take a breathe, and assess.
How strange too that this woman would so willingly just start a relationship with her ex’s brother. That speaks to her character as well.
You all need to get into family councilling if you’re willing to blow up all these kids lives because you believe you can’t find love anywhere else ever again. Super drama thinking that is hiding a lot of family problems.
Snap out of it.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 June 2016):
 In this case, it's about what is most important to you. Family happiness and easy life, or love. I don't see why your family is trying to keep you away from her, maybe you should ask them? Maybe they know something about her that you don't. There could be a good reason for why their marriage failed, a reason you don't know. Either way, I think that you are an adult man, and you should do what you feel is best. That means, if you want to date her, I think you should.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 June 2016):
 Why did they get divorced? And how does your brother feel about it? THOSE would be MY main concerns. Not what the rest of the family thinks.
I think you should have a conversation with your brother before getting in to deep with this woman.
...............................
|
