A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my girlfriend for 6 months now, but we've had a thing for a year. Only problem is now that I'm with her, all I can think about is how she hurt me countless times before we officially started dating and how much it hurts to feel so used, as if I was her last option, even though there is no question she loves me more than anything now. So to take you through what happened the year before we dated, I will explain in a shortened version.During the year before we dated, she told me she was falling for me and we talked like we were dating for two months. Then when we were around our friends, she acted like we were barely friends and it got worse for the next couple weeks. Finally we started talking like a couple again and then I went on a vacation, and when I got back I found out she told another guy she had feelings for him and she said to me she doesn't like me like that anymore. Then the other guy she told she liked completely ignored her, so I stopped talking to her. Even though this happened, my friends were her friends and we all partied and drank a lot with our friends, and she sometimes tried to make out with me for no reason, saying she loved me, and then not talking to me the next day, and so on for months at a time. She went back and forth on her word, saying she loved me and wanted to be with me. She found me on my email and said she couldn't stop thinking about me and said she had feelings for me. So I took her on a date to a concert and she barely showed affection towards me. Then stopped talking to me again. Then a couple months later, she messaged me on my email, saying she truly loved me and that she realized a lot of things, and then we've been dating since. And now that we've dated for so long, I'm finding out she had sex with 6 people (men and women) before we started dating during our flings the year before and that she had a bad sex experience twice a couple of years ago. And she gets drunk and did drugs and would let any guy who tried to make a move have sex with her.I love this girl more than anything in the world and would die for her. But my question is why does it hurt so bad thinking about her past now that it's been so long and I know she would die for me? How can I make this feeling of being a last resort and feeling worthless go away? Am I being immature?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 May 2011):
 Maybe you can't get over it because she's not over it. She keeps reminding you of it, she cries often about it, she tells you all the time about how she wish she could take it back. With all of her attention on this, even if you didn't have a problem with it to begin with you'd end up focusing on it as well.
I have a somewhat similar experience, not quite the same but up the similar lines. I've never been a jealous person in my life, but when my boyfriend started to bring up a girl he used to be head over heels for... I started to get angry with it. I don't think I would have cared about what feeling he had for her in the past, if it wasn't for him constantly reminding me of it. He'd say things like "she's so pretty and a wonderful person" or mention things that he did for her that he'd do for no one else (not even for me), telling me how crazy he was about her, that his entire world revolved around her... He remained friends with her, having a close relationship with her, laughing at her stupid jokes and spending alone time with her. I got angry with it all, and he's stopped bringing her up because it just makes me focus on it.
Maybe something similar is going on with you as well, that your girlfriend puts extra pressure on this matter by reminding you of it, and by focusing so much on it. She doesn't leave you to deal with it at your own speed, because maybe when you start to deal with it and get over it, she brings it back up again!
I suggest you tell her that she needs to deal with her past on her own, that you want to support her and all, but that this is something that's tearing at you and you don't want the constant reminder. You want to put this behind you, and you can't if she keeps bringing it up. She needs to let it go as well, or seek out someone else to whom she can talk about her past. Not you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011): If you cant get out of her past, the relationship will forever suffer cuase of resentment which in turn will cause anger, fighting, and just a lot of negative overall emotions. Id break this off if you feel such a thing man. Thats a case right there where your mind and mental health outweigh your feelings and emotions for the girl. Its for the sake of yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry just to let everyone know im 21. Well my question wasnt if I should stay with her my question was how to make those feelings go away because I know for a fact that she isnt like that anymore she isnt even the same person she stoped hanging out with all of her friends despite them trying to get her to go party, she doesnt drink, or smoke. she used to smoke cigarettes but she quit (for 2 months and counting) and the part that hurts me is that I know she is sorry and would never go back to that lifestyle. I know this because she crys in her sleep and crys all the time saying that she would do anything to change what happened uprovoked. She really has changed her whole life around because she wants to make me happpy. I know its hard to believe from an outside stand point but you have to believe me she is not the same person. our past hurts her as much as it does me. The only difference when she hurts she still loves me and wants to spend her life with me. I on the other hand can only see her past as well as mine and I cant seem to get past it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2011): This relationship is toxic and will be very emotionally draining if you continue. Her past is a mess and now you know everything about it. This will cause many issues and your age, with respect I say, will be hard to deal with because of maturity. This girl isnt for you man. From an outsiders view it appears as tho she doesnt know what she wants in a guy which is a sign she lacks confidence hence the "sleep-arounds". You want a girl who knows what she wants, not keep you in limbo or mess with your head. That isnt fair to you. The longer you stay in this thing man, the harder it will be to leave. Id just respectfully tell her that she has a past that cannot deal with and that you will resent her later on possibly and you dont want to risk an emotional roller coaster because of each others mental health. Maybe sounds silly but that is what it comes down to. Best on this and thanks for saying "made love"... tired of seeing the F word around here when it comes to intercourse.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (13 May 2011):
It's a tough question. I think you feel betrayed and used, as well as jealous perhaps. Because through all of this, you were somewhat committed to her, am I right? You didn't sleep with anyone else or go on dates, you were only thinking of her as a possible girlfriend at the time? And it hurts that she didn't think of you in the same way, it still hurts that she rejected you so many times (or ignored you). You're still not over all of that. And while you care so deeply for her, your feelings are also mixed with hurt that she caused you. Just because now you're together, and NOW she loves you, doesn't mean your heart will suddenly forget about all the times when she didn't. All the times when your feelings were played with as she was so unsure of her own.
Whether what she did was wrong or not doesn't matter, what matters is that it hurt you. And you will need time to heal from that. You will also need time to truly believe in her feelings for you. You might think you trust in her love for you... but deep down I think you are worried she'll drop off of the face of earth, like before, or if this is another one of those times when she's close, but soon to leave again.
You need time. Give yourself that time. I don't think it's wrong to feel what you feel, nor do I think you should hurry up and forget about it because it's in the past. You always learn from your mistakes, and this girl has burnt you a few times. Naturally.. you're scared of the fire. It takes time, probably just as long time as it took you to grow weary of her (a year) to get comfortable around her again completely, and trust her, and trust in her love for you.
That doesn't mean you can't be together. It just means you need to take baby steps, go slow, and give yourself the time and space you need in this relationship. Let it be built on a slow growing process, don't hurl yourself into it or try to embrace too much.
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