A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,Just a little background on my problem. I am in a LDR of two and a half years. I see my boyfriend several times a year, and we are completely and totally in love. I have a remarkably high sex drive, but our sexual relationship barely exists when we are not physically together. When we are apart, I satisfy my sexual needs on my own. I'm fine with that, because our emotion relationship is so completely wonderful.A little while before we got together, I met a man who is now my best friend. We were extremely physically attracted to eachother, but quickly realized that we had way too many ideological differences to allow for lasting compatibility. We were intimate, but never had sex. Rather than hurt him later, I ended it then and commited to my current boyfriend. My best friend remains my best friend, and my boyfriend and I are 100% comitted to each other. I had not had a sexual thought about my best friend since I entered my current relationship.But lately, I have been having urges toward my best friend... I would NEVER EVER EVER act on them.. I don't even want to ever have a relationship with him, I just fantasize about jumping his bones. I feel horribly guilty, trying not to think about it makes it worse. I feel like if this persists, it might not only damage my relationship, but it might jeopardize the completely platonic nature of my friendship with my best friend... I need to stop these thoughts, but how??Any input is much appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionActually, just getting these thoughts out of my mind was more than enough to stop them, believe it or not... Thanks to those of you who gave non-judgmental responses.
A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (1 December 2012):
 I know you wouldn't. You know there's no easy solution, you just need to distance yourself. It's going to take a few weeks at least for those feelings to disappear.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers. Just want to make one thing clear though. Even if I were single, and my boyfriend had never even existed, I would not want to have sex with my best friend in real life. I take no pleasure in these thoughs, I only find them disturbing. If I were enjoying this, I wouldn't be asking about how to stop thinking about it.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (1 December 2012):
This isn't about a high sex drive, if it was you'd be going "I need to find some hot guy to have sex with." Instead what is happening is that you are rekindling an old relationship where you both have chemistry and that chemistry is starting again. It's not about sex drive, it's about this guy specifically.
You do need to cut contact with him. It's just not fair to your boyfriend. Even if you don't cheat, how would you feel knowing he's way over where he is lusting after this other woman? It would hurt, right? Even if he wasn't cheating, just knowing that he was going crazy trying not to have sex with someone he was crazy about would hurt. You'd probably want to end things if you knew that was the case and he still hung out with her.
"My relationship is most important so I will cut contact with my best friend if it is needed, but I would want him to cut contact with her too in the interest of fairness... I just don't know how to start the conversation."
It's not so much about fairness as about the fact that he's likely having the same issue as you are. I think you should just say, "I'm serious about our relationship and have decided to cut contact with my best guy friend because I used to have strong feelings for him and am worried they will come back and damage our relationship. I think that if you are serious about our relationship, you should do the same with your female best friend."
I don't think it's fair to make your partner cut contact with people of the opposite sex generally, but when people have had strong feelings in the past, either have dated or really wanted to, it's a different story and just asking for trouble.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2012): First of all, a platonic friendship between you and your "Best friend" doesn't exist anyway if you both have such feelings towards each other, and you're having such thoughts about him.
Secondly, this will ONLY damage your relationship if you act on your thoughts and feelings with your "Best friend", so what is the fear you're having?
I don't think this has anything whatsoever to do with a high sex drive, but more a low tolerance to resist temptation.
Maybe its high time you and your boyfriend start discussing plans to move in together or at least much closer to each other, or one of these days whether it be with your "Best friend" or another guy, the temptation will present itself and you won't resist, which then WILL ruin your relationship with you boyfriend.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 December 2012):
 You need to cut contact with your best friend. If you are sexually attracted to him, then it's not a platonic relationship anyway, alas, not a pure friendship. A slight attraction such as, acknowleding that he is attractive, that's okay. But laying at home lusting after him, to such a state that it interferes with your relationship (and it does, otherwise you'd not be here asking about it), this means it's time to let go and cut down on the contact until the "urges" are gone completely.
I know how you feel in a way, I am currently doing long distance myself, and have a high sex drive, and at times it drives me nuts. I have a very sexy friend who I was tempted to fool around with (we were drunk one night) before I entered a relationship. My sexy friend is still sexy as ever, and I thought about cutting some of the contact with her, just because it was too much of a temptation, especially if we were both out drinking. What actually helped me was.. well, I asked her why nothing had ever happened between us, in the times were I was single. I didn't have a heart to heart talk with her, just snuck the question into conversation. In her reply I noticed she had no "underlying passion" as you might call it. She just said she had no idea why, I'm attractive to her, but it just never happened. I guess, there never was any spark really, and if the spark wasn't there when we were both single, then it's not going to be here now either. She also said she only wanted brief hook-ups, while I'm a person looking for more long term relationships. That also summed it up, nothing was meant to happen between us. It did kill some of my sexual attraction towards her, I no longer feel tempted by her.
So, maybe you should do something similar, talk to your best friend about why nothing happened between you in the past when you were both single, and remind yourself of this. His sexual attraction didn't matter then, you could easily walk away and enter a relationship with someone else. It's just that now you're feeling the urges, and he's around while your boyfriend is far away. But his sexual attractiveness should still be easy to walk away from, as you've done it before, and have good reasons to, even if you were single.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThough to be fair, this is not one sided. My LDR boyfriend's best friend is in fact a girl he was supposedly "obsessively in love with" up until right when we started dating (his own words) and I believe he implied they had sex once so it is not entirely one-sided. He knows about him, I know about her. My relationship is most important so I will cut contact with my best friend if it is needed, but I would want him to cut contact with her too in the interest of fairness... I just don't know how to start the conversation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou're right... I just needed to hear it. Thanks.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 December 2012):
 How would you feel if your LDR boyfriend cheated on you with another girl (made out, didn't have sex), and then kept her around as his supposed "best friend"? Would you be 100% happy that she's still in his life and he has urges to have sex with her?
I didn't think so.
You have a very easy choice here -- break up with your LDR boyfriend or STOP ALL CONTACT with this guy you're having urges for, because if you're in a relationship, then that disqualifies you from having any sort of close relationship with someone you have ever had feelings with in the past, or who has ever had feelings for you, or you have had any sort of a degree of intimacy with.
Get it? You are being horribly and inexcusably disloyal to your LDR, and every day you rationalize having any sort of contact with this so-called "best friend" is an insult to your boyfriend. You are spitting on him and your relationship.
This isn't about your sex drive. This is about how LDR's don't work. Unless you're going to be together locally within 6 months, your LDR is doomed.
If you have any integrity left, you'll cut your LDR boyfriend loose and let him go, because you're a cheater now every day you are with this best friend. You can't rationalize it. It's an insult to rationalize this. Best friends aren't people you have urges for or have ever HAD urges for. Trust me, when you fall in love, the mere thought of your boyfriend doing to you what you're doing to him now would cause you unimaginable pain and feelings of betrayal. You've already destroyed your LDR relationship. How can you tell him you've cheated on him, been intimate with another man, consider him your best friend who you would be having sex with? You can't, can you?
You know what to do.
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