A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am in my second marriage and my husband and I live in separate states. There is, of course, a backstory...but my main issue is simple. He does not make our marriage a priority. In this day and age, I don't even hear from him every day. If I do, I might get a short text hear or there. Occasionally a phone call that is constantly interrupted, even rarer a 8-10 minute conversation. There are always reasons/excuses...but I feel like that is superfluous. I went up there once, he came down here once...he has been up there for almost 8 months dealing with legal matters and trying to be of aid to his son who was recently diagnosed with a behavioral disorder. I get it, I really do...but I have been patient, I have been paying for our apartment and bills completely by myself and I can't even get a phone call. I have brought this up, multiple times and each time the response is, "I will try harder." He was supposed to move back down here three months ago, then last month and now he says February. I cannot move up there due to my parenting plan with my first husband. I'm overwhelmed...I'm so worn out that I am numb inside. I don't feel excited and in love, I feel withdrawn and angry. I tried to say something today and he got upset and had to suddenly go. This was the first time I talked to him on the phone in two days...it lasted 3 minutes.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (18 January 2017):
 Why not take a surprise trip up to see him for a weekend or even a week and see for yourself what is stopping him from contacting you.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 January 2017):
 I keep coming back to this question trying to figure out what to say without being negative but I need more information.
I don't know how long you are married but that also has bearing on it. Also how long did you date before you married and were you LDR while dating.
In addition how far away from each other are you? do you two get together and see each other regularly? If so how often?
IF you are married but not living together and not seeing each other regularly was the marriage for monetary reasons? Was it to get health insurance for you or him? (sadly in the USA this does happen too often)
If you are feeling unloved, unwanted etc and when you try to talk to him about it he shuts down (hangs up) then I do not think it bodes well for the long term relationship.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (18 January 2017):
 Unless one of you is in the military, being in a long distance marriage won't work. The whole point of being married is being together and working through life as a couple, not in different states. How long until you close the distance?How long have you been married?What legal issues is he dealing with? I understand his son having behavioural challenges, but how does that create legal issues that have taken this long to resolve?You shouldn't really feel excited and in love, when you're long term with someone - not constantly, anyway - as you settle into life and your love simmers down, into more of a glow, with the occasional exciting date and romantic nights in. You can't do that properly in a long distance marriage, hence why you're feeling withdrawn and angry.I think that you should give him a deadline. "______, if you have not moved back in by the end of February, I will have to file for divorce because I refuse to live like this." Then stick to it.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (18 January 2017):
 What is the problem for him, ongoing issues with his son?
As he is not keeping you informed have you researched yourself to see why your husband's return home keeps being delayed?
While I will say our children are our priority your husband should still be doing his best to maintain his marriage, this would involve regular contact without disruption from who knows where.
If there is no end is sight, and no sign your husband is interested in maintaining your marriage consider if you would be better off without him ... as it stands now you are financially supporting yourself so his input there is not needed, you are also not being supported emotionally:
tell him that if you are expected to live the life of a single woman you may as well be one.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2017): OP, I am going to be honest. The first thing that jumped into my mind is that it is entirely possible he has taken up with another woman while he is in another state and now has a completely separate life away from you. This is why he is short and scarce in his communication. This is why he gets angry when you demand more time and attention, cuts you short and rushes off the phone. He is not emotionally available to you at all. He could be hiding something. Like another secret life. Another woman. Have you ever considered this possibility? It is not fair on you at all. You cannot continue this way. I think you have done and said enough. It is at the point where you need to issue an ultimatum and stand by it. Ask him to move back and give him a reasonable amount of time to do it, to be fair. Or the marriage is over. You cannot continue this way. It is not good for your mental and emotional health. And it is not fair that you have to support him and pay all your bills while he is away doing whatever the heck he is doing. So, you need to take a tough stand now. It is hard but is it not better to find out you have been married to a husband who is not really invested in you and this marriage than to continue banging your head against a wall, driving yourself mad as well as physically and mentally ill? Not worth it. Do you not think it is time to love yourself more? You have cried to him over and over and your cries have fallen on deaf ears. It's because he just doesn't care. "I'll try harder" is another way of saying get off my back. He is appeasing you with his words so you will stop nagging at him. His words mean zip. It's his actions which speak clearly. And you have seen them enough to know that he isn't trying harder at all. He isn't trying, period. He is continuing to have his cake and eat it without addressing any issues. He probably likes the security of you paying all his bills back home while carrying on with a bit of fun in another state. He seems to enjoy living like he is not married to you. He seems to enjoy his freedom way too much. He is responsible for the bills just as much as you are. He is taking advantage of you. Because he feels you are a doormat and will just sit there and keep taking it and putting up with his bullshit. It is your choice whether you can keep doing this to yourself and suffering so badly over it. I suspect you have come to a breaking point, where you are reaching out for help at this point, in sheer desperation. As I said, you need to issue an ultimatum and be prepared to back it up or he will think you are just huffing and puffing and he will never take you seriously again if you bail. Sorry you are going through this. It is very difficult on your self esteem and it makes you feel so alone and unworthy of love. He is an asshole. I am sorry to say that but the way he is treating you is inexcusable. I sure hope for your own sake you will now know that enough is enough. Move forward. Leave him behind. Take care of yourself. You do matter and you are worthy. He is just a jerk who cannot see it or appreciate it. Sadly, physical distance in relationships causes emotional distance in the long run. There has been a big disconnect between you. I suspect mostly on his side. As you have been the one fighting. But you cannot be the only one. It is self defeating sweetie. Are you strong enough to let him go? And choose your happiness over a happiness sucking deadbeat of a husband? It will hurt now but eventually you will find someone who you do not have to chase down and tell him "I am here. Please love me." It becomes much too exhausting and gets to a point where you just have nothing left. You are on empty.
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