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female
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*atrbot
writes: My ex-husband recently got married and my 5 year old daughter called her "Mom" the other day. This hurts my feelings and besides the fact that I don't like this at all. I've already told my daughter that I'm her mother and that it hurts my feelings when she calls her Mom. I know she is 5, but she told me that her step-mom was encouraging her to call her Mom. Do I approach this with my ex-husband and her or just my ex-husband? Please anybody with advice, someone who has been in this situation. I have always let her dad have her whenever he wanted and let his family take her before. But this really bothers me. Her step-mom is good to her and I have no complaints about them getting married, I just don't want my daughter to call her Mom. So, this isn't a plea to get, so to speak, 'even', because I won't stand in the way of her having a relationship with her dad. And besides the fact that I don't want him or anything. Please, I want someone sincere to answer this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2005): I think that you are right to be upset it really annoys me when parents allow their new husbands or wives to be addressed as Mum or Dad a child only has one mother or father and it is unfair to put a little five year old girl in this position being coaxed in one home to call someone whom she knows is not her mother mum and then she is bound to be upset when she sees how upset you are because lets face it she is five and she probably forgets herself and calls her Mum in your home without thinking especially if shes been at her Dads all day.
She can be addressed by her first name and shes Daddys wife no problem but shes not her Mum.
I think if I where you initally I would address this issue with my ex-husband and make it clear to him that I am not happy that another woman is asking my daughter to call her Mum, put it to him how would he feel if she where calling another Man Daddy. If this doesnt result in any change in the situation I would confront the new wife and I would explain to her that my daughter was going to have a good relationship with her Dad and that as his new wife she is obviously going to play a part in your daughters life but, I would explain that she is not now or is she ever going to be the mother of your child and I would ask her to stop getting her to call her Mum because you simply will not tolerate it any longer, your ex must see sense on this quite frankly I am shocked he has even allowed this to begin. Perhaps the new wife has instigated it and he finds it hard to tell her not to do it, if that is the case then this has to come from you.
I think that this is possibly an attempt by your husbands new wife to undermine you and the best way to do that is through your daughter, my guess is that this is your ex-husbands first child if that is the case that will get so far up his new wifes nose, lets face it she can be with your ex from now to dooms day but she will never be the mother of his first child she is bound to be even slightly intimidated by you which is why she is attempting to undermine you, dont let her!!! I would never let my child call another woman Mum, is the phrase over my dead body too strong I dont think so stand your ground you are in the right, plus it is messing with your little girls head to a certain degree!! Good luck!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2005): NEVER MENTION THIS TO YOUR 5-YEAR OLD AGAIN. How could you possibly put that kind of guilt on a little kid??
I can completely understand how it hurts you to feel like there's this 'other woman' stealing some of your child's affection. Of COURSE that's painful, and I wish there were a way to fix things so the other woman would be unsuccessful, but if you care about your daughter, there isn't. You need to suck it up and be tough and NEVER, EVER, EVER mention this to your daughter again. She's 5. Her dad's re-married, and like it or not, this woman is going to be a big part of her life, so long as her dad remains a big part of her life. And however miserable he may have been as a husband, your daughter deserves a relationship with her dad that isn't marred by her picking up on the tension between the two of you. Divorce is hard enough on kids; it's up to the parents to do everything they can to help the kids remember that they ARE NOT the reason for the split and have NOTHING TO DO with any bad feelings they may be picking up on.
Your daughter needs something to call her new step-mom. She's young enough that referring to her by the step-mom's first name may seem weird.
Why don't you talk to your ex-husband and ask if there's something else your daughter can call her new step-mom? My sister-in-law grew up calling her father "Dad" and her step-father "Pop". If your daughter has always called you Mom or Mommy, maybe she could call the step-mom by some other variant.
As a final note, it's worth mentioning that the step-mother was probably well-intentioned in telling your daughter to call her "mom". She wants the kid to feel as comfortable at her dad's house as she does at your house, and that is a WONDERFUL thing. Try to understand that -- as hard as it may seem, THAT IS WHAT YOU WANT! You will screw up your daughter forever if you try to compete with her dad for her attention and affection. Don't put her in the middle of this; it is definitively not what's best for her. If her step-mother wants to be close to your daughter, you should encourage your daughter to get as close as she wants. It never hurt a kid to have extra adults who loved them and cared for them, and in your daughter's case, coming from a broken home, the extra love and affection will go a long way towards making things easier for her, especially as she gets older. THIS IS NOT A COMPETITION BETWEEN YOU AND THE STEP-MOM. You need to remember that. It's hard when you're hurting, but I'm sure if you step back, you will see that. Remind yourself of that, constantly.
It's obvious that you love your daughter more than anything; if you didn't, it wouldn't hurt you so much to think that someone is taking your place in her life. But you are her mother! How could anyone ever take your place?? YOU are the one who gave birth to her. YOU are the one who rocked her to sleep at night. YOU are the one who worried about every fever, every cold, every time she fell down while she was learning to walk. A 5-yr-old can't understand those things, but she won't always be five. Love her as much as you can, and always try to think about what's best for her. If you do that, you can't go wrong. And I PROMISE you that your daughter may not understand today, but when she is older, she will understand how much you did for her. There will be other people who may be important in her life, but only YOU will ever be her mother. And she will understand that.
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A
female
reader, CherylAhmed13 +, writes (27 December 2005):
I know how you feel, but my children know I"M MOM not her and also they know who really loves them.I wouldnt worry if I were you.your children already have a strong bond with you.my daughter is 5 and when shes hungry or tired it is ME that she looks for "not her'. just keep telling her that she is daddys new wife I love you the most I'm your "real" mommy....you sound nice ..Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (27 December 2005):
Hello there,
I can imagine how hurtful it is to have your daughter call another woman, 'mom'. When you give birth, you have this bond and ownership of your child and feel like your there mother and no one can ever replace you. And its true, and your daughter knows that too! Trust me she knows that your her mom and she wouldnt ever prfer your husbands new wife over you. She is probably only calling her it due to the encouragment she is been given. You said you talked to her, but I doon't think a 5 year old would really understand how you could be hurt, so yes its best to bring it up with your ex husband, and/or his wife.
Talk to both of them, I think, thats if the new wife is a reasonable and decent person and you get along with her, then talk to her about it, if shes not then just talk to your ex husband and see what he can do. You 3 need to come up with a new solution that you are all happy with. Find a new name, so that the new wife can still feel close to your daughter yet it isnt upsetting you. Maybe instead of just 'mom' call her 'step mom', i dont know or 'aunty such nad such' or by her first name, something that you can all agree on.
I hope they see eye to eye with you. good luck and hope all goes well :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2005): Wow! What a situation. It sounds like you and your ex have a decent enough relationship so maybe you could approach him. I would talk to him alone and make clear that it is in no way any attack on his wife, but more a matter of respect towards you, the mother of his child. If you have been otherwise understanding and reasonable (and it sounds like you have) I don't think that its too much to ask from them both. Further, it sounds like this is very hurtful for you (understandably so) and that you need to address it. At the very least it will open a dialogue. But again, I would try and deal with your ex first.
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