A
female
age
30-35,
*hort_wife
writes:I haven't been married to my husband for very long (just over 1 year), and we don't have kids, but I still feel like I'm his cook, his maid, his sex toy, and his mother... I mean, he's more of a clean freak than I am, but I still like a clean house. I'm in school full time, work part time, and am a director of Cubbies at my church every Thursday night... So basically, I'm in school Monday to Friday (with some days off - This year I have Tuesdays off), I work almost every other night, and I just don't have time sometimes to do everything he wants me to do. And he gets all pissy when he has to step up and help me... He feels like it should be me doing most of the work around this house, and he said he's not saying he won't help, but he almost never helps unless I haven't had time to do it and then he's complaining about it almost the whole time he's doing it... We had a fight the other day that I don't keep the house clean enough, but when I tried to explain my side of it, he kept cutting me off and telling me that he's tired of reminding me to do things, even though I was already planning on doing it either later that day when I had time or a few days later when I knew it would get noticeable.... So I feel like his maid...I make his lunch every morning so it's fresh for him when he goes to work... I don't usually get home before him, so when I come home, I have to empty his lunch pail for him, even though he's on his computer a lot. He tells me that I'm on my computer too much playing video games, but what he doesn't see is that I'm doing homework and when I'm frustrated I play a few games then go back to it. It's funny (not funny haha, funny ironic), because I look at him and he watches reruns of Family Guy almost all night, or he looks at his car blogs, forums, goes online, and stuff like that... The only thing that he does around the house that I don't have to ask him to do or that he does without complaining that he shouldn't have to do it is cutting the grass... And he doesn't seem to understand that I need to change the garden (we just bought our house this summer, and the person who owned the house before us had a LOT of bushes put in, and I'm not someone who likes bushes)... He keeps asking me 'well who do you expect to do that?' and I always reply 'I'm going to do it'. It's like he wants to make sure that I'm not going to ask him to help me or something.... So I feel like his cook/not good enough around the house....He just got over a cold recently (and I just picked it up), and whenever he gets sick when he comes home from work he lies on the couch and asks me for soup, water, tea, etc... It's frustrating because I'm falling behind on my homework while I'm taking care of him, and he's fully capable of taking care of himself... He does it all while whining, too, which really frustrates me, and I've told him that before that when he whines at me I feel like his mother but he doesn't listen... But whenever I get sick and he gets better, he doesn't take care of me... Which I don't think is fair... He still expects dinner on the table, the house to be clean, and I don't know how I can do that when I have to focus on school at the moment cause I'm graduating next June and hopefully getting a career afterwards... I honestly feel like I need to spank him and put him in timeout or something, that's how much I feel like his mother sometimes...And I've read on so many christian marriage forums to dress up for your husband sexually, but he just told me the other day that he doesn't like it when I wear lingerie because it looks like i'm 'trying too hard'... Which is funny, because those are the times when I need extra attention.... And whenever I try to initiate sex, he's too tired, or he's not in the mood... It's really depressing... I mean, I know he's 7 years older than I am, but I'm not ugly... I am good looking, and a lot of guys I've dated in the past have wanted me sexually, but somehow my husband has almost stopped wanting me unless he's the one initiating... even if I've been dying to be loved in that way for weeks... It's not fair, and I don't know what to do... this is one thing that we've actually talked about, and we both feel like our sex is very routine, but whenever I try to spice it up he's not into it... I've asked him what his fantasies are, and he only has one... 2 girls 1 guy... Sorry honey... THAT ain't happening... I have milder/less offensive fantasies, but he's never asked me what mine are, and I'm not necessarily one to offer them up, because I'm very insecure, and I don't want to piss him off or offend him, because I know one or two of them he will not go for... He's been engaged before he met me, and he was living with her, and I guess that (from what he's told me), she was the one who was always initiating, and they wouldn't have sex when he initiated it, but I feel like he's doing the same thing to me....So I guess my question is, what do I do? That's my situation, I'm not confrontational and I have a hard time sorting out my words (this article alone took me an hour to do), so I don't know how to pose this to him... I really want my marriage to work, and I'm willing to do (almost) anything (I say almost because I'm not bringing another woman into our marriage bed), but I just don't know what to do anymore... I've been scouring marriage help sites for months, and I found one called Christian Nymphos.com, but he won't look at it, and I'm honestly tired of pretending like everything's ok and that I'm happy... I'm really not happy right now... I cry myself to sleep most nights (quietly so he won't hear), and I can't focus in school cause I'm too tired/depressed... And when he asks me what's wrong I don't know what to tell him... And when I do, he says he know's that that's bothering me already... All I think is 'then why don't you DO something about it?' It's really frustrating, and I don't want to divorce him, but I can't live like this anymore... I can't be second to his car/video games/clean-freakiness/TV/food or anything else that he cares about... Someone please help me... I'm desperate right now...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 October 2011):
 Honey, if you KEEP doing everything for him, you can't get mad when he expects it.
YOU need to sit him down and make a chore schedule. If you feel like you can't do it by yourself, find a counselor, many churches have one you can talk to.
Seems to me that you are trying so hard to be the perfect spouse, and you are lossing yourself in it.
This is not the 1950, where the husband comes home and the wife put his heated slippers on him, gives him a dirty Martini and serve gourmet meals every night, while having a sparkling clean house.
As far as sex. It ought to be 50/50 but it varies for couples, some expect the man to always initiate, some just do what feels right.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2011): Tell him your sick of this and hes going to have to start pulling his weight around the house. Tell him you need a break and your not the only one who can cook a dinner and dont give him sex if hes not being a good husband
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2011): Since the two of you aren't communicating, you need marriage counseling. The issues you are currently experiencing, will not get any better over time and can result in divorce.
He is being selfish. My fiancé was the same way in the past. The stress of school and work full time and our relationship caused me to have more than one nervous breakdown. Please seek help before the same thing happens to you.
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