A
female
age
41-50,
*mc9277
writes:Hi everyone, I'm new to this site. I'm experiencing a lot of heartache right now, and just want some friendly advice and encouragement. Here's the story.I met a guy and we dated for a few months. We decided at the start of the relationship that we would let things progress naturally and put it in God's hands and not move too fast. Well, we spent a LOT of time together, and after about 5 weeks of almost constantly being together, he told me he loved me....was IN love with me. I felt the same and told him so. We were so happy. He treated me better than any guy has EVER treated me. (side note...he has only had 2 serious relationships and they didn't last very long, and they were pretty recent breakups....they left him) Then he started saying how he wanted to marry me one day, and what a blessing i was in his life, and how he never wanted to leave me and we would be together forever. During this time, there were a couple of times he needed some space, and after 3 days, he was coming right back to me. During one of these "space" times, he started texting me on day 3...came down that night and started saying all the same things again. The next day I just had a gut feeling that i needed to look in his phone, and we had looked at each others phones and emails throught the relationship bc neither of us had anything to hide. Well, what I saw on there were some inappropriate, sexual-type things to a friend of his (who is a girl). It devastated me and he begged me not to leave him, told me i was the best thing that ever happened to him, and that he would cut her out of his life. He called her right then and told her he needed to limit contact with her bc he wants to build my trust again. Now, I know in my heart that nothing is going on between this two...truth be told...i've had guys who are JUST my friend who say stupid things like that but we both know it's not serious. Anyway, I forgave him and we tried to move on. anyway he ended up leaving after another day saying "i feel like this is irreparable and that you won't ever trust me again."Ok...so here's what has happened since then. This was 3 1/2 weeks ago. We met again and of course had sex and he was asking me to be his gf again, and then the next day he gets scared and "needs time". Something else that is going on with him is that he hasn't had any work in 3 months...he does construction...and money has run out and he is completely stressed. During the last 3 weeks we have texted a little bit, and did have one phone convo where we basically vented our frustrations for the first 20 minutes, and then it softened and he said that he still loves me but the he just is not ready for a serious relationship right now, he said "You are my friend" and I don't want to lose you from my life. He also started talking, again, about moving in together. He said there have been many times in the past couple weeks that he's wanted to come see me, but he knows he will want to make love to me to reconnect, but he doesn't want to do that to me when he still knows he isn't ready for a commitment. He said he'd call me the next day (saturday) to see if he wanted to hang out on sunday. Of course, no call or text..didn't really expect one. But then sunday morning, I get this text that just says "good morning, (my name)" I responded back good morning, and then there was nothing else for the rest of the day. 3 days later I texted him good morning and he responded pretty quickly. I can tell by his texts he is quite depressed right now. I kept it light, we chatted for a bit, and then i said "well if you need a friend you know you can come hang out." He replied "no, i'll be ok. thanks for the invite, though." I told him no problem have a great day, and he said the same back to me. I'm so confused and sad. He wants to be friends, but doesnt' want to see me? Or he wants to see me but is scared? If a guy didn't care at all, they would just ignore your texts, right?? I know this guy did love me, but I don't understand how feelings can just change like that. Is it bc of no work? I know there is no one else he is seeing, bc he is online all the time. Please tell me what to do from here. I have decided that from now on I will NOT contact him first. It is so hard, though, bc he is in my every thought. I keep praying to God that if he is not the one, then take him from my heart and mind....but he is still right there. Do you think he will come back? What should I do in the meantime to get over this hurt?Sorry this is so ridiculously long ev1, but I wanted you to know the full story. Thanks so much and God Bless!
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2009): I can honestly say that I feel for you. I was in the same situation a few weeks ago and I know its sooo hard. You feel like he is pushing you farther and farther away and dont understand where it went wrong. In my situation I tried very hard to keep the connection going with my guy and it just didnt work. I know that you probably have very strong feelings for this one but you have to realize that you are worth more than what he is willing to offer you. It sounds to me like you have a great capacity to love someone who will love you back in the same way. And although it will really hurt for awhile, my advice it to start rebuilding your life again without him and find someone who has respect for you. Good luck with everything!
A
female
reader, kmc9277 +, writes (13 February 2009):
kmc9277 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your kind response. I have told him EXACTLY how I feel. He knows I love him, and he knows I'm here for him. The problem is I just don't want him coming around if he is just bored, lonely, or needs something. I know he is terribly confused right now, and I really don't think he ever dealt with the blows from his 2 previous relationships. He was actually married to one of them and she left him after 5 weeks. The other one he was engaged to and she called the wedding off 2 weeks before the wedding was to happen. Anyway, I know what you mean about seeing stars. As a matter of fact, we used to tell each other that every time we kissed it felt like the first time. How much time should I give him? If I should just move on, how can I stop thinking about him?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2009): Well first I'll tell you about me. I'm 39 and have been married to my high school sweetheart for 20 years. We have two girls 19 and fifthteen. This doesn't make me an expert by anymeans I just wanted you to know. It sounds to me like this guy is a bit confused about what he wants out of life. From where I sit and the info you have given me, I don't think he's the one for you. I think you have fallen for someone who just isn't ready yet. True love isn't something that you have to work on or wish for. When it happens it just happens. I know this is gonna sound corny but the first time I ever kiss my now wife I literally saw stars. I can honestly say that in 20 years we have never went to bed angry. You need to tell this guy EXACTLY how YOU feel. Don't sit there and waste your time assuming he knows. You tell him how you feel and what you need from him. Good luck to you.
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