A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been having an affair with a married coworker for two years...the feelings are strong and even though we knew it was wrong we always kept going back to each other. I found out last month from a mutual friend that his plan to adopt a baby from China "finally went through" - I had no idea and now he is leaving tomorrow to adopt his child. I am completely heartbroken and he seems to just want to forget we ever had a relationship. I know it is time to move on but I cant help but want revenge and to let this woman know who is is willing expanding her family with. I cannot get it out of my head. What do I do? I literally cant go to work wihtout crying, don't want to see my friends, dont want to go out or eat.
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affair, co-worker, heartbroken, married man, move on, revenge Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 October 2015):
 OP you did not answer my question which is
WHY didn't you tell her while you were his mistress?
what has changed that now that he wont' talk to you makes you think that NOW she has a right to know?
oh and also what makes you think she doesn't know?
you assume she doesn't know. she may know he may have told her or she figured it out and they are working together to fix the mistake he made.
THEIR MARRIAGE IS NOT YOUR CONCERN.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2015): I don't want him to run to me, I don't "wish" for that, don't you think if he's such a liar and a cheat and just used someone else for sex she should know anyeays? Seems like you are proving my point
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 October 2015):
So while it was going on she didn't need to know but now that he's trying to do the right thing for his wife (the woman he legally and publicly is committed to) you want to "punish" him by saying "SHE has a right to know"
didn't she have a right to know two years ago? why didn't you tell her then?
I once got text from a woman who was having a relationship with my now ex husband. She was very surprised when I said "if you want the lying cheater you may have him" She went to him and he blew her off... she meant nothing to him and his words of "love" were just to get in her pants.
be careful what you wish for.
this is a man who can lie and cheat to a woman he loves enough to marry...
you are telling her with the secret hope that she will kick him to the curb and he will come running to you. NOT going to happen and even if it did... every time he's out of your sight would you trust him?
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (14 October 2015):
 What you are experiencing is Karma. A broken heart is easier to mend in private than a broken face in public. What you need to realise is revenge is not just something reserved only for you to inflict. It's for the wife also. Like you are behaving now, a woman scorned is one thing, but a wife scorned is an entirely different ball game.
True and very recent story…My sister-in law just found out that her husband has been screwing around with a co-worker. The husband of the cheating wife went to my sister-in laws husbands and his wife work and exposed the pair of them. Not only on the office floor but to their bosses as well-because the office was sometimes used for sex. Now everyone knows, I mean EVERYONE knows not only at work but in FB land also. Now neither of them have a job. My point is, this time unlike the affair, think about the implications of your actions.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 October 2015):
 Funny how you justify you reasons for revenge is because you think the wife DESERVES the truth... really? So that somehow exonerate you for YOUR part in it? And all those shared friends, who do you think they will blame for her heart-ache?
Why not, if you talk to her occasionally, ASK her if she would want to know if her husband cheated on her... then let her decide.
I'm ALL for people being able to make a informed decision, but let's hypothetically say that my husband was cheating, IF his mistress came and told me... I'd be smart enough to know she wasn't doing it for MY sake, but for her own.
What exactly do you stand to gain?
If you really CARED at all about this wife of his, you wouldn't have carried on an affair for 2 years. Let's be honest.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2015): This was a serious question, we no longer work together but have many mutual friends and see each other here and there. I know it was wrong, yet I feel terribly used and he's getting away with it. I can barely hold it together in front of friends when they talk about him and his family now I am afraid they will find out anyways. I realize it is hurting her, but her marriage is already broken she just doesn't know it, and that is unfair to her. She deserves the right to make a choice
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 October 2015):
The only ones you will HURT by your "revenge" is the wife (who is BLAMELESS in your affair) and the potential adoptive child.
Wow, if that doesn't make you FEEL petty - it should.
Dating a married man is like cutting of a few toes to fit a shoe. It RARELY ends well.
The adoption is not him rubbing his marriage in your face, it's quite possible him trying to do something good for his wife, knowing that he is a cheating lying son of a gun.
Instead, SEE this as a GREAT way to motivate yourself to LEAVING him for good. Maybe look for a new job (don't quit this one till you have another though) and get "away" from him and this sick "relationship" - an affair RARELY benefit the mistress, emotionally or mentally at least.
YouWish made a good point, if you create drama and this gets out at your work place... Who do you think they will keep? My guess is... him.
You will gain nothing from your "revenge".
I get that you feel like the "relationship" have been all lies and that you don't really know him - I GET that it hurt. But that IS the truth nonetheless.
WANT more for yourself. Have some backbone and self respect.
Chin up, you know you can do better than some woman's leftovers, don't you?
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (13 October 2015):
I am unsure if this is a serious question or not but just to put things in perspective, you want revenge for something which was originally based on a lie. He does not owe you anything nor was he ever committed to you. You want revenge for his selfish actions yet he has been cheating on his wife for over 2 years which in itself is selfish. Your revenge might work but at the end of it all you will suffer just as much as he would if not more. People will only look at you as a home wrecker.
Actions taken with a hot head rarely produces favorable results.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 October 2015):
 I think you need to think twice before revenge calling the guy's wife for two reasons:
1. Are you going to tell on yourself as well as this guy for "revenge"? You're just as guilty as he is, knowingly going for a married man and being his willing accomplice to devastating her. You can't take the moral high ground here! You disrespected the very institute of marriage, so you need to consider your own responsibility as someone who goes for married men, which brings me to the much more important reason:
2. This is a co-worker. As in - this is your career, your livelihood!! You will destroy your reputation and credibility in both your current job for which he is a part of as well as future job references and opportunities. You don't know your human resource policy on inter-office relationships, so if yours goes public and especially in an ugly way, you could and very likely WOULD get fired. Women tend to get the rough end of the stick with that one. Just ask Chris Hansen's mistress, who got fired from her job for having an affair with him. It got discovered, she got the boot (he was married and she was not), and he got promoted. Not fair, a double standard, but you risk your future by not just breaking it off clean and never getting into it again.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2015): see your doctor for depression and get a bit of leave for yourself because you are no good for anything like this.Sister you have got it all wrong and you know that when you are talking about revenge and wanting to spoil his wifes happiness then you have got it wrong! You are turnng yourself into the sea witch ursula if you have ever watched the little mermaid by disney and if you havent then i recommend you do, because you might as well enjoy the small child theme while you are part of it even by association.Its no slap in the face to you that he has finally got permission to adopt and bring up a child from china. It is a wonderful thing!You knew that you were living on borrowed time when you started this affair.You had all the fun and sex you wanted and now you want to expose this man when his long awaited boat has finally come in.I think its probably because of your age that you are finding it hard to step back and be happy for him.But technically you are not being rejected by him because you should have never had those stolen hours in the first place.You are angry because like a thief who wanted to steal the silver you have suddenly found that the family you wanted to steal from has suddenly gone religious and sold it all in order to give it to some unfortunate child with a very sad start in life.You are no thief in reality.You are a concious person but your emotions are stealing your logic and overruling the kindness you once had.Getting back on the disney theme ..one day your prince will come ..and hopefully so will your littleuns and respectfully i hope for you that he doesnt cheat on you.At least if he does you can console yourself that you know what motivates a man to do it...but may be your grief is enough and you will learn to step back and be happy for them.Remember you are not being rejected.The small child has had a lifetime of feeling that way.In fact your only predicament is that you have been loved a bit too much by someone who wasnt really free to take it any further.So be patient sister, smile a bit and soon enough you will find someone new.Hopefully someone you can share the rest of your life with.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2015): You did this to yourself. You dated a married man And more than not were one of many.He never cared for you. He only cares for himself.Leave his wife alone. You want to tell on him..Do you think you would get him back that way? He is a cheater. If he was with you, you know he would cheat on you. Use this as a learning experance. Never ever date a married man again. There are enough single guys out there...Get one of those. In what way do you even think this is ok?Get help to see why you dating a married man is wrong. I somehow think you do not get it. You reap what you sow. Remember that.I hope this does not cost you your job.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (13 October 2015):
 Try to get a grip. If you knew going into this that it was wrong and would never work then the "heartbreak" shouldn't be that tough to get over.
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