A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been together for 10 months. We both left or marriages for each other. We fell in love and thought we were perfect for each other - soulmates. She broke up with me 3 or 4 months later. She gave me several reasons such as: she felt overwhelmed, we were both too posessive over each other, she couldn't deal with her ex and the split (selling house, splitting assets) while she was with someone else. I begged her to take me back, she did a week later. She was distant for the next few weeks, then left me again to go back with her husband. I was devastated. We kept in contact, she left him again a week later. We got back together. She was suddenly in love with me again, very smothering, constant attention and affection. We had a fight over Xmas. She dissapeared while we were at a club. I spent a long time looking for her. When I found her I confronted her about taking off. She flew into a rage. She stormed out crying. She told me I was emotionally abusive. Things were tense after that. I felt alone and depressed, like I was trapped and couldn't do anything right. I went to a Therapist, when I told her I was going she wasn't supportive. She seemed angry. She broke up with me again the next day. She told me she had doubts and didn't see a future for us. She began contacting me again a few days later. Before long we were together again. After only 2 nights of her loving me again, she told me that she felt she needed to be single, but, I was so sweet and good to her that she didn't want to lose me. I asked her how much time she needed alone and she told me at least a year. I told her that I deserved better and I couldn't wait that long. I couldn't seem to leave right away. I stayed with her for 2 more days and then broke up with her. For another week she would sometimes contact me and act nice, and other times repeat that it was officially over. We were back together again after only a week. I actually tried to hide it from my family because I had really leaned on them to help me through all the break-ups. As soon as we were together again, and after only a few weeks, she wanted me to move in with her, book a cruise with her, buy a house, talk about having children, marriage etc...Here is where I stand: I resent her for hurting me time and time again. I resent myself for putting up with it. I don't trust her or her feelings anymore. I always question everything she says. She claims I have to forgive her and get over it. She tells me she loves me every 5 minutes, constantly looks for reassurance that I love her. She smothers me all the time. I feel like a beaten dog. Just the other night she began crying after I asked her if she was okay. She said she felt I didn't love her as much as I used to. She felt bad for hurting me.I do love her. I do care about her. But, I don't know if I can ever forgive her or myself. I also feel that she has serious emotional problems that I cannot help her with. I have been through so much, I am stressed all the time. Here is some background on her: Her parents divorced after she finished High School. Her mother left. Her father died of Aids 3 years ago. He was bi-sexual, and she didn't find out until he was really sick. Her other brother is gay and is a drug addict. Her mother was not a very loving woman. She also cryed about these things the other night. I feel she has no one to help her. I feel bad for her. But, I want to start taking care of myself for a change. I have always put her first, and I have not been appreciated for it until recently. If she has been acting strange because of all the changes in her life this past year (seperation; selling house; guilt over cheating) I will stick with her and do what I can. But, if she has problems that go back to childhood or her young adult life, I feel that there is nothing I can do for her. And I will have to take on all of her problems as my own. I don't know if I can do that. I need advice. I am obsessing about my situation from the time I wake up until I go to bed at night. I feel like I am heading for a nervous break down. Please help.
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broke up, depressed, divorce, emotionally abusive, fell in love, got back together, her ex, her past, soulmate, trapped Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (25 April 2008):
 I think both of you need to take some time out from each other. At least two weeks. During this time you should make a list of what things attract you to her and what things you struggle with. Then you need to go back over the list and rate each of these as being must haves, like to have and not necessary. Add them all up and see if this is going to be a positive relationship or a negative one.
For now do not do any long term planning with this woman. Your history is not good in that department and I agree with all who mentioned stability. She doesn't have any and I think she does need time to sort things out. She should not be dragging anyone through her issues either. This is something she needs to sort out...on her own. If you go along with her for the ride, you are going to be her airbag. Relationships need to be built on more than that.
Take care and take care of you.
A
female
reader, bfly36 +, writes (24 April 2008):
 Your girlfriend sounds like me, first of all relationships that start as affairs are hard, statistics bla bla say only 5 percent make it. U have ur problems and she has hers to deal with, slowly the romance is turned into turmoil due to so much problems with ex's. I would suggest letting her go for a bit and get busy on the things u like and want to do. She needs time to decide what she wants and that is why the back and forth, she probably feels guilty cause she left her husband and she cant fully enjoy a new relationship.
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A
female
reader, Light  +, writes (24 April 2008):
 Run for your life and don't look back, she is only using you for her emotional needs......Sounds like to me she is still inlove with her husband as well as you, however she does not want to get a divorce....This women has issues, and needs professional help.You deserve better, there is always light and the end of the tunnel, and I know that if you choose to move on your life will be alot more brighter, either way I hope things work out for the best... Stay positive and remember that you deserve to be treated like the way you have been treating.....Peace
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A
female
reader, karen37 +, writes (24 April 2008):
what ever you do dont go back she is not worth all your stress find you another gf that will love you for you and respect your feelings, i was in the same boat and i left my husband too he couldnt make up his mind either..... you deserve better
cathy
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A
female
reader, cupidsladyfriend +, writes (24 April 2008):
Sounds like a co-dependent relationship and she may have some drug addictive issues of her own.Either way she sounds unstable right now and her instability is making you unstable if you weren't already.My suggestion: Take time out for yourself, distance yourself, but love her through phone contact until she can stabilize herself and then take it slow.Of course if she feels she needs to be single for a year, that's a good amount of time for both of you to get it together and if you still feel the same way after that year, then you can take it slow and see where it leads.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2008): Breakups are tuff, usually for both people. You both have probably have some pain left over and are being overly cautious and sensitive.
If you enjoy the soap opera, stick it out. If you want to be happy, you might consider moving on and leaving this relationship in memory.
You have a better chance of controlling your own emotions. You have a much less chance of helping her. Apparently, she still has been rocked by this ex and all that has followed to finalize the split.
Your nervous breakdown feeling is because you have no control, your getting mixed messages from her, and if you continue, your friends and family will see you at the mental heath hospital.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (24 April 2008):
You two need to sit down and talk. Talk about what you want long term in life and if you think this could be a forever thing.
But don't do anything like moving in, getting married, booking holidays or anything like that yet.
Live apart and just see each other like a normal couple for a while. Get some stability and get used to each other. If you still carry on having all this drama then maybe you should split up for a while.
Good Luck!! xx
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