A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have a 22yr old son, and have always had suspicions about whether or not I am his biological father. My ex-wife (of 20 years) and I split when he was 7. I later discovered she had been having an affair around the time he was conceived. I love him, am proud of him, and have always brought him up as my own, but these nagging doubts won't go away. I don't want to hurt him, but I feel he should know if I am not his biological father. I have never mentioned my worries to him, but strangely, my ex-wife told me when he was 13 he had asked the question himself (she had moved in with her second husband at this time), and she told him not to be stupid, and the subject was never raised again.I don't know how to broach the subject of paternity testing with him in a way that won't hurt him. He has a supportive, longterm girlfriend, and supportive siblings (the other children from me and my ex-wife's relationship), but I don't know what to do. My dream would be to have it confirmed that we are biologically related. If it turns out that we are not, I don't know how he would react. I just don't think I can go on not knowing for the rest of my life, and don't think it's fair on him either - every child has a right to know who their biological father is, right? But I'm worried about the potential consequences of even raising the subject with him, let alone of a test result which says I'm not his biological father.I want to ask him (gently) about this, whether it's an issue he worries about, and what he thinks about having a paternity test, but know just raising the subject could hurt him. Does anyone have any advice on how to broach this?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): It should become normal policy to DNA test the paternity of children at birth, whether infidelity is suspected or not.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2009): I have recently turned 40 and found out 5 years ago that dad is not dad by coincidence: I looked at a photo and realised that I look like my godfather (who is not a relative). And so it was. My mum's husband still does not know. Confusion and anger came up, but also love for my father. Finally my life made sense. Before, there was always something not quite right. I support telling him. The thought "I do not want to scare him" does not make sense to me. Unconsciously, we all know. And he is an adult, he deserves the truth - even if it just that you are not sure. I wish someone had told me earlier. I recently decided to share my story and created a website to invite others to do the same. If you are interested, take a look:http://tinyurl.com/dadisnotdad
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): late response- if you really in your heart want to find out then please go ahead. talk to your son. tell him that whatever the outcome you will still love him (wouldn't you). i actually feel sorry for men like you, raising a chaild think that it is yours, but with a nagging feeling that maybe he is't. if only women had more sense, and moral diginity. some deliberately lie and expect the "father" to rear another mans child. rather give the "father" an option.
. i think your ex wife may be the one to shed more light. this will eat at you until you so something about it. you need to handle this with love and be honest right from the start with your son. maybe get a pastor(?) or family elder to be with you two as you discuss it. maybe write down some of your thoughts, what you want to say to your son. sometimes when we are emotional we do not say everything on our minds, we forget and we mess up the communication, so please jot down things you want discussed. do not have his mother present in this meeting.
either way, whether he is yours biologically or not, you have done a fine job "dad" in raising him. hande this with love and tact and yes he will be hurt but the truth needs to prevail. for you, and him. expect some backlash but doing the right thing is not easy therefore so many of us hid and cover up the truth. in your case not knowing the truth will end up destroying you.
perhaps send us an update shortly of what has been decided.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (2 August 2009):
 This is no good. If you love the son, and are proud of him, why would it matter whether he's your biological son or not? This ain't broke, so please don't try to fix it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2009): UK girl writes: hi, I had a paternity test when my son (who is now 2 years old) was born... to clarify - you have to have consent from all adults (which would include you, your son and potentially his mother), you would have to pay for the test yourself (mine cost £399) from a reputable company that provided someone to talk to about the results.
I'm glad we did our test when my son was still young and do not envy you your position - noone can tell you what would be the right thing to do. It sounds like you have given it a lot of thought and come to a cross road, though.
Wishing you luck whatever you decide. Just be sure to support your son through whatever happens.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2009): This must be a horrible thing to carry around in your heart. In the UK, you have to obtain consent to use a person's DNA, so you would need to speak to your son about this before any testing goes ahead. There may be pre-test counselling available via your family doctor, but even so, this is going to rock your son's world...
I guess you have to work out whether you can live without knowing (but at the same time suspecting). Having a test result that shows you are the father would give you peace of mind, but what about a result that shows you are not his father? Would it be worth it?
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A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (2 August 2009):
 I honestly wouldn't go down this route as I think it could cause irreparable harm to your son. I do know that there are tests out there that can detect DNA etc from just a hair from a hairbrush so you could probably find this out without even talking to your son about it but I think it is too big a can of worms to open. I also think that if you are not his biological father that it would change the way you behave and feel about him. You have not known this for a long long time and I would leave the not knowing there. I can appreciate your desire to find out but I can only see potential harm coming from this and I am unsure if your desire to know would outweigh the upset this might cause.
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