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female
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anonymous
writes: dear agony aunt,i have been having an affair with a married man, i will call "max". not long ago this man told me that he has fallen in love with me. he often has dedscribed that he loves his wife and children unconditionally, but is "in love with me." i too have fallen in love with him. i too am married with children to a loving husband and wonderful family man. when i am alone with "max" i am at my happiest. his wife is a very good friend of mine,before the affair started. we are still good friends, even though i know i do not deserve her friendship. my friend and i often have coffee, she is forever belittling her husband-"max" and tells me she is not interested in having sex with her husband. he too often says this about his wife. they all so fight alot,but "max" asures me that though they fight a lot, they are good together. my friend,"max's" wife often tells me how "max" is always trying to kiss her and always wanting to make love to her ect. when i here this it breaks my heart and makes me withdraw, "max" gets very confused by my hot and cold behaviour,i dont tell him why. how can he still want to be sexual with his wife,when he says he is so in love with me? i have become totally emotionally detached from my husband, and don't want to have sex with him. why isn't "max" the same way. a.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2007): i'm in the same situation as you. i'm with my partner for over 5 years and we have a child together. i had depression for a long time and i tried to stay away from him. during that time, for no reason i started having an affair with a married man, who i fall in love with. we've been in this secret for 3 years. the thing is i realised that what i feel is more than just sex i love him. i'm so jeaulous of any woman that cames across. he says that he loves me to bits but it's an impossible relationshio. i'm 18 years younger than him. i dont care about our age gap but it's him who doesnt seem to accept that i trully lve him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers. All are very fair, and some of them brought tears to my eyes. But, I am leaning towards to the thoughts sent by an anonymous reader,sent on the 14th September. Who also is having an affair with a married man. Whoever this person is, you have summed things up in a nutshell. Going back over the email I posted, I can see that so many details have been left out and I did not paint a fair and accurate picture of "Max" I have come to terms with a lot of the things that were causing me so much distress, and feel a lot more comfortable with things. Thank You all, definitly know where to turn from now on when I am at a loss for advice.A. xxxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2006): Although i am not married, i am in a similar situation.. having an affair with someone who has as partner,although also not married. I can relate to the jealousy, the hot and cold moods etc. Reading your story, i really feel for you. Reading people's comments that you need to finish etc and do the right thing, i know, is not want you want to hear. You know all this already i'm sure and hearing that you are at your happiest when you are with him, shows that it is too hard for you to finish it. I don't know whether max is just using you or not but i always believe that only you can judge that, no one else. We only know the black and white picture - you know the true colour. If max is in love with you like he says, i think that his attempts to have sex with his wife are to reassure himself that they are still strong- He wants to stay with her and therefore he has to maintain a normal relationship, having sex etc. This is extremely hard for you, i'm sure but you have to take your relationship fotr what it is and just enjoy it. you have chosen to have an affair and that is exactly what it is, so enjoy your time together and dont think about him with her. You are no doubt important to him and have a good relationship when you are alone so think about that instead. xx good luck xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2006): Baby Girl's advice is something you need to pay attention to!
"max" is quite happy to have his wife, by the sound of it, and cheat on her. You are cheating on (betraying your marriage vows) your husband.
No good can come of this, based on lack of trust, lies and deceit, as it is. Either decide to work on your marriage -or, if you feel there is no use in trying to improve your relationship with your husband, either decide to stick it out and remain married, or think about getting divorced.
You have two choices in regard to max: either keep on with this affair, knowing he won't leave his wife for you, and is using you, or end it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2006): Sorry to hear about your difficulties! First thing, please remember that it is not all that uncommmon for married people to "fall in love" with other people. This is human and generally happens to couples who have been together for many years and the "spark" seems to be away.
It sounds like both you and "max" have "fallen in love" and it is causing you a lot of distress. Sometimes when people have affairs, they either lose interest in sex with their own partners or it is also quite normal for the opposite to happen. They suddenly want to have more sex with their own partner. This could be because his interest in you have sparked of his sex drive and he needs an outlet for that. Or he simply wants to try new positions and learn to be a better lover for you, by "practising" on his wife! I know this sounds bizarre, but it not unusual and certainly not an indication that he is not interested in you sexually. I know it is hard to deal with the jealousy though.
Which brings me to the next issue. You need to either except that you know have a "lover" as well as a husband, in which case you need to except that you have to tame your jealousy and can't be angry with your lover and his wife (and remember that max is dealing with the jeolousy too). If you can't handle that, then I am afraid you are not going to be able to handle the affair and your hart will be broken.
On the other hand, do you know what max's intentions are? Does he want a lover or does he want to set up house with you? It may be worth clearing up what his/your intentions are, instead of blowing hot and cold? If you both want to leave your partners, then rather do so now, but it sounds like you are both happy with life at home?
Why don't you try and confide in Max and be honest about where you are both headed and see if you can work something out that will suit you both. Good luck
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