A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I thought this through over and over and just don't know what to do. Hopefully some of you may be able to help me. I'm sorry if this turns out to be a bit long but I just want people to see the whole picture. I've been with my boyfriend since I was fourteen years old. Now we have a mortgage and two dogs. It's not been the greatest relationship in the world, he's cheated on me at least once. I know this because I caught him in bed with my step-sister a few years ago. Although, he now tries to convince me that it was all in my head. Yeah, of course it was. I have my suspicions that he's still cheating on me. He regularly goes out with his mates to clubs and pubs and doesn't return until it's light the next day. I know this doesn't really mean he's cheating on me but it's always in the back of my mind. Also, he gets home from work and then a couple of hours later he goes out say that work have called at they need him. Then he's not back til the next day. I could just phone his work but I think his mates would just stick up for him, so there would be no point really. He never really pays any attention to me, it's just football, sleep and work. Also, heaven forbid that I go out with my friends and enjoy myself. I'm not allowed to do that, at least not as often as he does. I manage to get out about once every three months.My sister (not the one he slept with, my biological sister) got engaged a couple of years ago to a really nice guy. One of those tall, dark and handsome types that us girls always go on about. We have them round for a few drinks now and again. He doesn't really talk to my boyfriend as he thinks he is, and I quote, "an arse". But we get on well. One day, I needed some help with putting something together in my house. My boyfriend was at work so I called my parents. My Dad was out but my sister sent her fiance round to help. We were talking and it got on to the conversation of our partners. I was telling him that I was unhappy and he said that he could see I was and that he wasn't surprised. He then told me that he isn't happy either. He said that my sister started out as his ideal woman but then slowly turned in to an unbelievable nag. I'm not surprised that he said this as she is on her high horse twenty four hours a day. Anyway, he finshed the job and then he left.About a month ago, I decided to get out of the house for the day and went for a wander in to one of the villages not so far away. I ended up in a cafe and, to my surprise, my sister's fiance walked in. He spotted me, sat down at my table, and we chatted and had coffee. He said that he regularly comes out to the village to take his mind off things and get away from the nagging. He was saying how he couldn't take it much longer and I was telling him the same about my boyfriend. We were talking and the whole time I had butterflies in my stomach. I'd gotten to know him properly and I fancied him like crazy. After coffee we walked around the village together for a bit and then he offered to drive me home. In the car, I told him that I wasn't going to tell my boyfriend about today because I'll just get in trouble for it so he said that he wouldn't tell his fiancee that he saw me. We got to my house. It was mid-afternoon and my boyfriend was still at work so I invited him in for a coffee. We were talked a bit more and before I knew what had happened we were in bed together, having sex. It was the most amazing sex that I've ever had and I finally felt wanted again. Afterwards, we lay in each others arms. I didn't feel any guilt. We talked about how I wanted him and he wanted me. We were both sick of our respective partners and we admitted that we had fallen for each other a long time ago.We want to be together. We regularly meet at the cafe in the village and talk about what we are going to do. We don't know whether to tell our partners about what has been happening or just to 'run away' together while they are at work. I'm also worried because this is my sister's fiance and I know she'll never forgive me, nor will my parents. We've slept together once more since the first time and we just want to get away together now. I know this probably makes me just as bad as my boyfriend but it's time that I found some happiness, if that's with my sister's fiance and he isn't happy in his relationship then why the hell not? Can anyone offer any advice on what the best course of action is here? We just want to be together and don't want to wait much longer.
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affair, at work, cheated on me, engaged, fiance Reply to this Question
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female
reader, angel louis  +, writes (11 March 2016):
I think that u should leave your soon to be brother in law alone!!! I know that u think u both are in love or watever u wanna call it but its all just a mistake she is your (SISTER)and when she find out it wont be pretty so u need to put a stop to it asap.i can tell u this my sister had an affair with my soon to be baby father and i was a wreck and at the end of the day he told my sister he dont want her he never did she opened up herself to him so he took the offer
A
female
reader, estella  +, writes (22 June 2009):
do you have idea the damage you are causing your sister my older sister had an affair with my partner of five years i have someone great now but you have no idea what kind of hurt that does. i will never forgive her and i can never see my neice because of it i have lost alot because of her selfish act. for you to say he was not happy with her and niether were you then let me tell you what you should have done left your partners before screwing around on them. god do people not give a crap about there familys these days she is your blood and flesh how would you feel if she did that to someone you loved and wanted to spend your life with. people will say he is just as bad for doing it to her and yeah he is but you are worse. god what is wrong with you people i feel for your sister i really do because i know exacly the pain and suffering she is going to feel and it never goes away so WELL DONE!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2009): She is your sister!!! You know exactly how this will end. I have a sister & i could never hurt her in such a way nor risk losing her. How the hell would you feel if she was sleeping with the man you were engaged to MARRY! Heartbroken, that is how you would feel. Your both sellfish & cruel to do what you have done.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2009): Don't tell anyone, and don't do it again. Your relationship is over with your BF, clearly, so kick him to the curb. He deserves better, too. And find someone who isn't so connected to your family. Jeez.
You need to straight-out and disentangle a complicated, unhappy life. You have the power to put your life on the right track. Sleeping with your sister's BF, is exciting/naughty/thrilling, but that will wear off (...I'm also guessing that he's playing you, knowing which buttons to push to get his rocks off, but that's not even relevant)... you must create a better life for yourself. Your sister's BF is not the right the path. This will eventually erode YOUR self-esteem. And you will become (are?!) "the arse."
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality  +, writes (6 May 2009):
 WOW....LMAO!!!!
Not only do you tumble to the same level as your cheating husband by revenge cheating (which never works, because you only hurt yourself), but you risk tearing your whole family apart because you find your sister to be on her "high horse"?
Does anyone involved have any children that will be affected?
Look at this from the objective point of view, since you ask for advice...
How is your plight defensible in any way after you revenge cheat with your sister's fiance nonetheless? Any positive points for you to be the victim evaporated when you spread your legs for your sister's fiance.
Why seek justification for something that you obviously dont feel any remorse for? You already said that your family will never forgive you, you dont care. So again your question is "What is the best course of action here?
There are a few courses of action, and they all end the same way....
BADLY!
Pick one...pick em all...its all gonna be the same...
Fists flying and you crying!
You are quite immature, and quite selfish.
Can you honestly say I am wrong about that, and what you are doing is mature behavior?
The best advice I could give you is grow up! You are ill equipped to be in any kind of a relationship, let alone being part of a group effort to destroy a family.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (6 May 2009):
 There is no best course of action here for you. You have betrayed your sister and your family will never forgive you, it is as simple as that. Family should always come first, you should never put a man above your family! So whatever you do, you will always be branded a liar, a cheat and a coward.
If you are determined that you have to be with this man and you are willing to sacrifice everything for him (bear in mind he is not giving up a thing in this case - you are the one putting your life on the line from him) then I guess the only way to make this marginally better is to stop seeing each other for a while. This will be hard but if your love for each other is as strong as you believe then a couple of months wont hurt, it will only make your love stronger.
During this time when you stop seeing each other (no calls or texts for the first few weeks) you need to both end your respective relationships. You need to end things with your boyfriend and sort out the situation with your mortgage. You need to get yourself into a better position - financially and emotionally. Then your "lover" needs to finish things with your sister - I would go with not telling her it was to be with you. Telling everyone right away will be too much for your family to comprehend. Imagine your fiance finishing things with you - this will be traumatic enough without adding in that he is leaving her for you!
So hopefully after 2-3 months all things will be sorted - you will have sold the house/boyfriend bought your share etc and you will be free and single, and then your lover will also be free and single and away from the complications of his engagement. Once all these things are resolved then you can start thinking about being together - if I were you I would definately move away together seen as running into your family will be horrendous. Once you have moved away together then this would be the time to tell your family about the relationship - although in my opinion I think you shouldnt mention that it started when your sister was engaged. I would just say that you ran into each other a few times after the break-up and things went from there.
If you have any sense then you wont move in together right away - you will each find somewhere to live and then take things slowly from there. Yes you might think right now you are in love and you are getting carried away with the excitement of it all. However you both have experienced relationships that have gone bad, and you dont want the same thing to happen again.
So take it slow - you have hurt a lot of people with your actions therefore you will come out looking a complete idiot if this relationship fails. Imagine crawling back to your family red faced once he ends the relationship because you are a nag too? You have to make sure this relationship works otherwise you will end up looking so foolish - stealing your sisters fiance and then being dumped too? Not much fun for you!
You are going to get lots of negative responses from this site so be prepared, no-one will condone your actions or re-assure you that you have done the right thing. People are awfully judgemental and they will judge you based purely on this story here, so be warned.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, kellyxxx +, writes (6 May 2009):
 I don't blame you one bit! When I read the title of this question I was ready to lay into you preaching about how wrong it is, then I read the full story!! Your boyfriend does sound like an arse so first move is to dump him!!! Then your sisters fiancee needs to speak to her, he needs to tell her that he is not happy with her and wants to end the relationship. Don't mention anything about you having sex. When they are broke up wait a while until her wounds heal, keep your distance, you don't want to look 2 faced when it comes out that you are going out with him! It may take a while for her to get over him but doing it this way will prevent your relationship with your family from turning sour. You can still see each other but don't tell anyone until your sister feels ok. If you don't want to take this time then you could run away, but you'll need to sort out your mail like letters from the bank, and such, because you don't want anything being left in the house. You need to sort out money, if you have a joint bank account then empty it! Take the money with you, then he can't spend it!! Start packing an arranging things a few weeks before you leave, you need to make sure that you have everything. I'm not saying put it in suitcases, but you can put things in binbags and just say you are having a clearout, and make sure he doesn't throw the baga away, label them with a big 'keep' sign. Make sure that the new man is doing the same and plan accuratly and in detail!! X
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2009): It will end in tears belive me you both need to stop.
If you are unhappy just leave but i bet when push comes to shove he wont leave your sister for you. How can you be so disloyal to your sister? If he cheating on her what makes you think he wont do the same to you.
When your sister finds out i would not blame her if she never spoke to you again have you no morals.
As for running away you cant hide forever.
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A
female
reader, bayleex +, writes (6 May 2009):
 Don't you think that it may be abit ovious what you have been up to if you both 'run away' whilst they're at work?
Best thing here is to be honest, yeah she probably will hate (is a very strong word and i do apoligise) you for a very long time but will respect you alot more if your honest and tell her the truth.
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