A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am a 26 year old man. I work in a school system and I have now been dating one of my co workers for exactly a year (June 9th) The big problem here is that she is married, with 2 kids, and 11 years older then me. But this is not an affair like everyone would look at it initially. This is the real deal. I've never had a connection with anyone like i have with this woman. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She is caring, she loves me unconditionally and would do anything for me. But she cant make the decision to leave her husband because it comes with so many factors. She is the most amazing mom I have ever met (besides my own of course) to 2 beautiful children. Do i know what I am doing is wrong? Every day i feel like a piece of shit because of what i am doing to this other man. I have been on the opposite side of infidelity and I know exactly how that feels. But she owns my heart. she has now for after just a month of talking to this woman. We never thought this was ever going to happen. We always flirted and had the hots for each other, and that's how it started. But then it all changed because we fell into such a deep love. Like I know she is my person. Im supposed to be with her. We see each other every day and go away on weekend getaways and we are 100% in love. But lately we have been fighting because we both want more from our reltaionship. She wants to do more in public and act more normal, which is exactly what I want too but not as this secret anymore. I want to walk around anywhere with her hand in mine being able to act how i want to act with her. not be nervous that we could run into someone me or her knows. She always tells me "I don't know if i could ever make a final decision" so it makes me feel lately that i am losing that little bit of hope that I have usually had in the situation. I always could push off the feeling of knowing she goes to sleep in the same bed as another man every night, or that i have to be this ghost in her life and no one in her life knows who i am. i have told my sisters and many friends of mine about us. I dont want to be this ghost in her life anymore. I want to be her person that she can call hers and be with for the rest of our lives. In this year together I have been loyal and have treated it like a real relationship as much as possible. But my head right now is so clouded and feel that I never get to be chosen in the end. And because of all this and these thoughts that I cant shake from my head, I tried to end things. I rushed into ending it when we always said that we would talk about everything together. And i broke her heart by doing this. I have hurt her really bad. But i did this out of fear of never knowing if i was going to be good enough for her to want to make this ultimate decision. I want her. I want a life with her. I want everything with her. Did I do the right thing or did I rush into this irrationally decision by not following my heart? Should I tell my mom about this because she knows everything about me but im worried about disappointing her and getting her upset with what i have been doing? But i need someone to talk to about this and I dont have anyone . Please shed some guidance because I am hurting very badly and don't know what to do.
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affair, co-worker, flirt, infidelity, married woman Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 June 2017):
 You have been sucked in to this woman's web. What you described is exactly like any other affair. You can treat it like a relationship if you want to kid yourself but I think you know deep down she doesn't belong to you, she is someone else's wife. Honestly I think it would do you good to talk things over with your mother.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2017): Yes you can fall in love with two people...even if
She truly loves you.. my guess is she not leaving
Her husband. This affair probably will not materialize
Past the initial phase of excitement.
To spare your feelings be the one to end it.
Give yourself time to grieve and move on.
There's someone for you out there.
Is she s slut? No... good people fall in love outside
Their boundaries... is it right? NO
Just because the feelings are there doesn't
Mean she had to act on them.
Move on and protect yourself from
Getting more hurt than you will
Otherwise if you stay.
Get I counseling... good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2017): Leave her.
She's having the best of both worlds and your allowing it.
Either she leaves her husband immediately or tell her it's over.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (8 June 2017):
 She's a terrible person, a horrible wife and a disgusting disgrace of a mother. She's cheating on her poor husband who's trying his best to give his wife and children a good life and she's fucking you and going on holidays with you despite the fact that she has kids who look up to her and who she's responsible for.
Stop living in your Utopia and wake up and get a grip. If this woman is your dream woman then I feel sorry for you because your dreams are so pitiable.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (8 June 2017):
She would do anything for you but leave her husband.
Accept this for what it is a cheap tawdry affair that allows her to have it both ways. A loving clueless husband at home who pays the bills and helps raise her children and a hot young lover on the side.
Broke her heart. Son you ruined her fun.
And leave your mother out of this, she doesn't need to know that she raised the kind of man that would destroy a family.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2017): You are just a convenient little toy who ended up caught in her web. A novelty. She is just using you as an escape from her predictable, mundane ho hum married life. And a husband who has somehow dropped the ball. You are just in an affair fog. And addicted to the drug she has hooked you on. In affair land, everything is perfect and so is your partner. You do not see their flaws. You are clouded by the fantasy of it all. You do not see past the illusion. In real life, when you spend every waking moment together as a couple with responsibilities, good and bad days, kids, jobs etc. then the shine wears off. That happens in all relationships. Except in illicit ones. Where the shine lasts just a little longer due to the delusion both affair partners are swallowed up by. It ain't real. And once your relationship hits the real world, then it's over. It will no longer be fun and romance and crazy sex. It will lose its lustre and appeal and she will again be seeking out another boy toy to ring her bell once she gets bored with you. Make no mistake. She WILL get bored with you. Is that what you want? To be a sitting duck? Waiting for a cheater to cheat on you like she is now doing to her husband? How can you live that way? How would you ever be able to trust her? Every time she goes out. Every time you have a fight. Every time you feel she is distant. Your mind will automatically go to cheating. And you will always live with doubt because you know what this woman is capable of. And she did it to her husband without a care in the world for his feelings. Without caring how much she would be hurting him. The man who loves her. The man she supposedly loves. The man she has children with and committed the rest of her life to. Who you are you compared to him? What makes you think you would be different? If she did this to her own husband, what makes you think she wouldn't do it to you? Do you think you are special? Honey, I've got news for you. You aren't! The one thing cheaters, including this cheating wife, have in common is they place their needs and feelings above all others. They DO NOT care who they hurt if it benefits them. If they want it, to hell with everyone else. You will just be another one who bites the dust in her wake. Of course she is saying all these sweet things to you. She wants to keep you on the hook. She likes having you around. She likes playing with you. It is all fun and games. If she loved you, she would have left her husband by now. Period. She is not emotionally invested in you. How can she be? She has a husband!! Kids!! A whole other life that does NOT include you!!It all seems so intense. NOW. Like real love. NOW. But it isn't. It's all just a façade.Been there, doing that. Except my affair is now entering its fourth year.I am getting more and more disillusioned by the day. I am starting to resent my married lover. Why? Because he has the best of all worlds. And will keep it that way. While I sit on the sidelines boosting his ego, and being his sexual play thing. He has a wife to share his life with, a family and much more that will never include me. He cares more about his wife and his life away from me than being with me. If he loved me, he would not keep me on the sidelines. And not especially for four years.This woman, like me in reverse, has cast a spell on you. Clearly she is very good in bed and at the art of manipulation. And you have some vulnerabilities she was able to break through in order to fall victim to her ways.Take a good look at yourself. Why do you allow her to manipulate you? Why do you lower yourself to become the phantom sex toy of a married woman? A woman who is going to leave you someday? Once the sex becomes stale is likely when. Or when she meets another guy whom she likes better. Or if you start to pressure her too much to leave her husband and family. She won't. She likes the fact he pays the bills and helps raise her children. He is her security blanket and financial stability. She is not about to lose it all for a guy she f^^ks on the side. That is why so many married people like to have flings on the side. One year. Four years. Whatever. It is an escape for them. The side people provide something the spouse can't or is missing. So they fill in the gaps and then have perfectly fulfilled lives. Is that all you want to be? A filler? A toy? A guy who falls prey to her lies and manipulation? Surely you can do better.You are just wasting your time. The clock is ticking for all of us. Four years in and I lay awake at night in fear of when he is going to find my replacement because I have become more like a wife after all this time. He says he never will and that he is happy with me. But somehow I will never trust a cheater. Or anything that comes out of his mouth. You should learn the same lesson. Blind faith and blind trust are the destroyers of hearts. Especially when you choose to sleep with a King Cobra and wonder how long it will be until it bites you and kills you?Remember, you are the only one who can change this situation. YOU. You have the power. You just have to love yourself enough to realize you deserve more. And you deserve better. She will be no prize in the end even if she leaves her husband. Trust issues will be the final nail in your coffin if you did continue to stay in a relationship with her. That I guarantee you.Leave her now. Cut contact. Permanently. Tear the band aid off all at once. No contact is the only way to end an affair. I am trying to find the courage to do the same.You are in a NO WIN situation. No matter what, there is no easy way out. And you are going to have to suffer and go through a great deal of pain and withdrawal before you begin to heal and rebuild. I know, not much fun when compared to an affair and all the crazy sex and addictive feel good chemicals flooding your brain. But it's either stay and be in pain or leave and be in pain. The latter in the long run is the best choice because that pain would eventually end.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (7 June 2017):
 It is *exactly* an affair like any other. You've fallen for a woman who is just bored in her marriage. She doesn't want to leave and she has everything she wants. You need to leave her - you're wasting your life on a woman who will never be yours.
Bottom line is that she's a cheater and you can't trust her, even if she did leave her husband.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (7 June 2017):
 What should you do?
Cut things off of course. This woman is NEVER going to leave her husband for you or else she already would of done.
If you feel like such a piece of shit then why don't you stop fucking someone else's wife? Stop acting like a victim here, if the husband found out about this it would tear his life apart.
This is not 'different' than any other affair. I've literally seen hundreds of questions like this before that are exactly the same.
This is the same advice I give everytime:
You're never going to end up together
Find another woman that is single and wants the same thing as you
You want what you can't have. Absolutely everyone on this planet is replaceable.
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