A
female
age
,
*eorgiacyprian
writes:I am seeking your opinion and advice regarding the state of my marriage..I have been married for nine years and over this period of time I have experienced a decline in the way my spouse has been relating to me. First of all let me confess that our marriage is no different from any other with its ups and downs.However, what I have found very difficult to cope with is what I perceive to be a very selfish and uncaring attitude and behavior by my husband. These behaviors and attitudes are exhibited in a series of activities which in my opinion are callous and uncaring. We are both working people and we both leave the house around the same time in the morning. While I, despite having other things to do after work, am able to arrive home early in the evening and always before him, he seems always to have some activity arranged that keeps him from reaching home before seven or eight o'clock at night. As far as I am aware, none of it has anything to do with his work, and I am not sure on a number of occasions of what he is doing between the end of his work and when he arrives home. Despite having a cell phone, he seldom calls to let me know what he's doing, and if I inquire his response is usually dismissive. Most of the time, after having a bath and supper, he is fast asleep before he's even able to watch a half an hour of TV. Trying to arouse him in the night is usually met with a very unpleasant responses as if he has no interest in me. Our romantic life is practically zero. This situation has been going on for the last three years or so and is not up for discussion, except to lead to a fight. I have resorted to writing my thoughts to him to avoid the fights. You would think that on weekends he would at least make a little time for us, but all sorts of things are found to be done away from the house to fully occupy his weekend time. He helps with almost nothing around the house Although I do not believe in gossip, I have been told that he has been seen out in public with an ex-girlfriend and when I questioned him about it he did not deny it but only asked me who told me that. I gave my husband a Blackberry phone as a gift because I knew he always wanted one. This phone now seems to replace me as the new partner in his life. He guards the phone with his life. It is the first thing in his hands in the morning and the last thing in his hands at night. I am not even given a chance to get into his hands after this phone is put to rest at night. He makes sure that it is locked at all times as if he has some secrets, or perhaps he thinks that someone will go searching for information. In my presence he carries on long text conversations, never volunteering with whom he is communicating and is on occasions very tickled by the responses he is receiving. In my opinion, apart from being bad manners, this behavior is downright disrespectful. You would not believe that he is laying in bed beside me when all of this is taking place. My husband wants to be out to every popular mass entertainment event. Some of these events he knows will not be of interest to me so he takes the opportunity to go alone. They are other times however, when they are events that would be of interest to me, but the invitation is never extended. Attendance at these events usually results in his coming home into the wee hours of the morning, and at Crop Cver time return home can sometimes be sunrise. He does not even have the decency to call and say he's going to be later than what would seem to be reasonable.To avoid excessive stress in the relationship, I have been trying to hold my tongue whenever some of these annoying events occur , but I believe he is mistaking this to be quiet acceptance and comforts hiself with this. This approach is bringing me no happiness. I have suggested the idea of seeking counseling, but he does not think it is necessary and will not agree to participate.Over the years I have grown to love this man, and have fully devoted my life to him. I try to do everything that is humanly possible to show my love,respect and caring for him and in ways that I am sure are beyond what a husband would receive in the average relationship. I have considered leaving him, but I am always hoping that this is all a phase which will soon come to an end. Also considered in these moments is the fact that we have two children who may be stressed by this action.Disappointed
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (10 October 2011):
 Yes I agree that you holding your tongue leads him to believe you accept his behavior.
He is keeping a huge part of his life from you and to me that would be unacceptable. He is hiding things. and maybe people.
I personally would not accept this. I would not cook or clean for him. I would not be available to him at any time for any reason.
Not sure how old your children are but children pick up easily on the tensions of their parents and many times are better off living with one parent or the other. Staying together for the sake of the children is never a good idea.
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