A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend and i broked up a month ago and i was trying to get him out of my life and my head. He doesn't want to tell me his feelings nor his emotions toward me. Whenever i asked him what's wrong and he said he got mad to the world or anything ridiculous, but not me involved of what he got mad at or how he's behaving.I know for sure that he's lying because i do know who he really is a long time ago.but the thing that confuses me is i don't know what i did wrong and if he doesn't love me anymore then why didn't he spit out what in his mind and heart.I'm looking at it as he also doesn't care about me. He doesn't want to be around me but still the same, he doesn't want to clear it up with me, but it's okay for now.I know what's his emotions by his behavior.These days am healing just him or what we did sometimes comes into my head but doesn't affect me much.but whatever will happen to him or whenever we can see each other like going anywhere and he's there i dream of it the night before or two nights before and i still can feel what's happening.I know it is kind of awkward but that's true.i don't know if it's happening to him too or not.please help me if there's something different from me or there's something somewhere that i haven't find or didn't noticed. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you very much for answering my question and it touched me.and you are right,yesterday after this question has been post here he came to pick me up.and when he comes he's totally different from recently and after the break up.he is like there's nothing bad happened between us not even a word about it.he likes me to spent the night with him at his house.this whole story is like the bad times has been deleted between the good times at the beginning and now.i don't understand by the way but for me the bad times makes me not have much feeling for him like before.whenever am trying to be nice and talk to him it is like am pushing him away but right now that i'm talking to him like just friend and he comes so close to me.i don't understand that part. but i leave it up to him because it's hard for me to fall back.so if his feeling toward me is coming back then it is time for him this time to face the hurt and broken heart.i can go somewhere whenever i want or do whatever i want since he's with me.i feel like i'm single again.no matter what we'll do or how long we'll be back together but still the same for as right now.so hopefully he won't get that feeling back.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (20 June 2011):
 the pain in your words moved me, because I can hear in your words such emotion and grief in your heart, about this break up.
Emotions are something that a proportion of the population run away from. Being passionate about feelings seems to be the BIG one that some people try to avoid facing.
If you have been together a while then you have shared many experiences. And lots of good emotions.
So even if he does not want to admit it, he would be have a mixture of feelings that are too painful for him to face.
In the Chinese belief system 'face' is very important. He does not yet want to reveal what pains him then let him be. Don't (potentially) humiliate him by wanting answers right now. The emotion may still be too raw for him to face. Let him keep keep his 'face'. Men cry over break ups too. Men feel deep pain. But they don't want to lose control and reveal that pain.
While you are in this recovery period it might be more beneficial to you if you concentrate on nurturing you. Get some lovely pampering with foot massages and visits to a spa or the hairdresser. Buy yourself an occasional bunch of flowers. Arrange a lunch with girl friends you have not seen for a while. Get some travel brochures (even if you just dream). Visit some nice beauty spots you have not been to before or not for a long time.
Give yourself an evening facial while you relax with a nice book. ( i recommend Phillipa Gregory Historical for pure escapism). Join a community group that does real good in the community. Connect with nice kind people. It will do wonders for rebuilding your inner strength. We can give ourselves lots of pampering. It really does help.
Losing your guy has left you wondering why. And it feels so different to suddenly not have the man who has been so important to you, no longer in your life. Remember we are not less when there is not a man in our life. It can be a great learning experience as we grow, while discovering strengths we never knew we had. Any man is NOT better than the right man for you. So use this time to connect with you, before thinking of either another guy, or trying to reconnect with the ex.
This painful break up does not have to be anything you did. You may know so much about him. Sometimes it is because a person in love knows SO much about their partner that the partner can't try to fake it anymore.
There are a myriad of situations that can cause a breakup. I can recall a situation where a man thought his secrets were unknown to his wife. He thought she knew nothing about his lies, gambling, affairs and debts. So he put on his big bravado Walter Mitty act. But she did know all. He could no longer face her when he knew she had seen through his lies. And he then felt unworthy of her. He was ashamed of his behavior. They broke up because she was such a wakeup to him. He remarried a younger woman who could not see through his lies. That suited him perfectly.
Even if he is lying, don't make it worse by wanting answers while he is clearly also hurting like you.
Maybe you want answers so you can move on. Or even try to address the problems that preceded the break up. But you can't get co-operation if he does not want to give it.
You can keep persisting, but that determination and persistence may even close off his wosh to open up to you later, at a time of his choosing.
A break up does not have to be about the one hurt by the break up. Sometimes the one who initiates the breakup realises that the partner deserves a better partner, more caring, more honest.
Hope it all works out well in the future.
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