A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm going through a really tough breakup and I'm trying to figure out why. My ex of a year wasn't great to me. He frustrated me more often than not, he didn't go out of his way for me, couldn't communicate well and made me feel VERY insecure and unattractive. I would tell him how something he did made me feel and tried to troubleshoot to avoid the issue in the future. It was always very short lived if there was any improvement at all. We didn't have much in common and I often felt that I put so much effort into a relationship that I didn't get much of anything out of. He forgot important dates and often told me how he got "caught up" in what he was doing when out with his friends and forgot about me. He openly said he was selfish and lazy and wasn't "good" at being a boyfriend - his mom also told me these things. I ended the relationship when I caught him lying to me. He had told me he was going home after a night out with some friends but turned out he had bar hopped. After everything, that was the last straw. That happened back in November and we have talked on and off since. I say I'm going through a tough breakup because despite everything I just said, despite knowing he would never change and both of our lives would be full of frustration and fighting, I am having a REALLY hard time moving on. I have been on dating apps and although I've talked to a couple of guys, I have not been on a date. I just saw my ex pop up on the app and it felt crushing to see him looking to move on.. despite the fact I am clearly doing the same thing. I am 29 and want to get married and have children. I want to have a healthy, balanced relationship full of love and support. Is there something wrong with me that is making me feel this way about the breakup? I have recognized things I did wrong in the relationship and need to improve. I just can't get over how awful I'm feeling over something that clearly wasn't meant to work. Thanks for any input.. I appreciate it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2021): Naturally you're feeling depressed and hurt following a breakup; but part of the trauma you're experiencing comes from the feeling of frustration that you were unable to change someone else. You got attached to someone who didn't really have anything incommon, and even admits he is lousy boyfriend-material. You didn't discern anything about his personality, or thoroughly evaluate his behavior before you agreed to a commitment. Now you feel disappointed with the outcome.
When I first came to DC, I had recently gotten blindsided and dumped. I didn't have the luxury of going through a dysfunctional-relationship. We didn't have the typical big blow-out! It just abruptly ended.
Like you, I underwent the distress and agony of withdrawal that you usually experience during the detachment and separation process. Apart from brain-chemical responses and emotional-recoil; I had to come to terms with reality, and deal with things in an adult-way. I had to suppress some of the drama, and pull-it together; because not to do so would have led to bitterness, anger, and cynicism. I refused to allow anyone to have that much power over my feelings, especially once they're gone.
My dear, it's a fight for your sanity; and you can't allow yourself to submit without a struggle to maintain some self-control. Don't surrender it all to him! He has every right to get-over you! You're now broke-up and no-longer a couple! How soon he recovers, or what he does about it, is none of your business! What you do now is none of his!
There should be no off and on contact. If you have any of his belongings; pack them up, and drop them off at his mother's house. Do not engage her in conversation, just use her place as a neutral-zone. Keep her out of it!!!
If he asks for small items you've overlooked, give them to him. Offer to mail them to him. Discourage visits and contact. If he has stuff belonging to you; unless they are of significant value, or they are irreplaceable. Let them go! If they've slipped your memory, they're not significant! You must get back legal documents, your income tax forms, or anything with detailed personal-information for your own protection. If he refuses, contact the police for an escort to retrieve them. Only if he refuses to surrender them!
Now is when you've got to be a big-girl. At 29, this ain't your first breakup.
Don't use bickering over petty items as any excuse to keep calling in the middle of the night; or blowing-up his phone with angry-texts, because you want to be an irritant. It's childless, meaningless, and borders on stupid. It's also illegal. If you're having a hard-time, that means you will be subject to bad-behavior. Behave yourself!
It's still fresh, and somewhat of an open-wound at this point. It heals fastest when you stay separated. You don't need to keep breaking "no contact" to talk about things. What's there to talk about? Go back and re-read your post over and over, to remind yourself why this relationship needed to end! Make yourself a printout. Make several copies of your post and our answers. Put them in a drawer, on the bedside table. Read your own words describing things; and be reminded how terrible it was. You'll be triggered at first, but it starts to sink-in. You'll accept the reality.
Dwelling on a failed-relationship is picking at the scab. It will never heal if you keep doing that. Calling him and talking about it doesn't do anything. It just refreshes the sting of his rejection. It agitates your heartbreak, and gives you separation-anxiety. So, stop stalking him online, and let him do whatever he pleases. He owes you nothing! You made a bad-choice, now own it! You're not a victim of anything, it's a failed-relationship. It happens to almost all adults, at one-time or another. Even teenagers survive breakups!
Time and distance are healers. Then you have to tap into your inner-strength and employ self-control. Experience comes with maturity, you're pushing 30! You've had your share of ups and downs in your lovelife; and surely a broken-heart isn't a new experience. You've survived them in the past, and you will survive this one as well. Leave him alone. Get-on with your life.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 February 2021):
 I think one of the reasons you have a hard time moving on is because you STILL talk to him, you still keep him around and he keeps you around. (even if it's just over "tech"/social media/texts).
You went into a relationship thinking you could date a "fixer upper" (someone who seems almost proud that he is "bad" at being a BF) and he would listen to you and adapt to your wishes. THAT isn't realistic OP.
You dated someone who had nothing really in common with, who frustrated you and who didn't see you as a priority and you still feel awful? It makes no sense!
You dated a guy, he wasn't a good fit but you STUBBORNLY stayed in the relationship until you felt SO fed up you broke up. Not really how you will find a good partner, OP
ACCEPT that he wasn't a good fit. THAT it's OK to miss some of the good times but the longer you hold onto this the longer it will take you to find someone who will be a good fit for you.
ACCEPT that you can't CHANGE someone to FIT you. Only change YOU can make is how you react to conflict, disagreements, difference of opinion and values, morals etc. Be better at compromising, negotiating and finding common ground.
LEARN from this, GOODNESS, OP - LEARN.
If you start seeing someone new and you see things that isn't compatible with how you SEE a relationship working, DO NO waste a year on them. You will (most often) have a good sense of how GOOD of a fit a person is after about 6 months of dating - IF you actually get to spend time in person with them.
DO NOT invest more (emotionally, physically or monetary) than you receive from a partner - because you CAN NOT carry a relationship without the partners participation.
You say: " I have recognized things I did wrong in the relationship and need to improve. " GOOD! Work on that BEFORE you try dating again.
You say:" I want to have a healthy, balanced relationship full of love and support."
DEFINE this. (for yourself) WHAT does it really entail?
CUT all contact with this ex. WISH him well and let him go. Block him on everything if need be. He wasn't it.
" Is there something wrong with me that is making me feel this way about the breakup?"
Not really. You are upset that it didn't work out, that you picked a dud, that YOU could make him into your "dream guy". That the fantasy or ideal you have for a relationship didn't work, so you have to start over. IT IS frustrating. But it's also part of life.
As for him being on dating apps - get over it. Sorry, that sounds blunt but you have no control over what HE now chooses to do and it' bad double standard that YOU can be on dating apps but him, that hurts. Come on. Be real, girl.
You seem to put a LOT of blame on this relationship on him.
"He frustrated me more often than not, he didn't go out of his way for me, couldn't communicate well and made me feel VERY insecure and unattractive."
Did YOU go out of your way for him? My guess is that you did and thus you EXPECTED a tit for tat. People don't all work the same way. Which is why I say, invest as much as you get. And if at some point you feel you get "nothing" from your partner, TALK to them or decide that this isn't working.
He couldn't communicate because he wasn't really serious. If you were the one running the relationship and putting in most of the effort, he might have felt that "just" showing up was his part. Which shows immaturity and lack of care. Same with forgetting important dates. In this day and age it's NOT hard to put dates in the calendar and set it up for notifications. Even us "old folks" can figure that out. HE CHOSE not to put in much of an effort. And his excuse? "I'm not a good BF". That might work if he was 17, but if he is 30+ it' kind of pathetic.
Instead of focusing on being SAD, focus on what you can do better next time. What you REALLY want in a partner and what your own boundaries, hopes and wishes are. It's good to know, doesn't mean a guy is is going to feel exactly like you, but it would be nice to find someone who is at least on the same page.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (9 February 2021):
 Just reading your post, the long list of things that you had to say about your ex, there was not one thing positive about him.
By his own admission he told you he was selfish, lazy, and was not a good partner, his Mum also told you the same thing.
I know its hard, breaking up is never easy, buy honestly OP, I think you have dodged a bullet here, and you are most certainly better off without him rather than being with him.
Time is the healer of all things, and things will get easier in time. Just keep working on yourself, give yourself the self love that you deserve. Tell yourself that you are better than him, and keep thinking about what an awful partner he was, and how your so much better of without him.
Don't get back into another relationship until you are completely over the last relationship, and when you truly love yourself again.
Delete everything to do with him, when you see him on a dating app, swipe away feel sorry for the person he will eventually meet next.
No there is nothing wrong with you, you will sooner or later meet a nice person, and thoughts of your ex will be a distant memory, and you will wonder why you wasted so much energy on him.
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