A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok, this is a bit complicated but I will try my best...I am 30 and have a boyfriend who is 32. We have been together for a year and a half now. Started as friends and FWB and it wasn't supposed to go further then that but we get along very well and spent all our free time together. It basically turned into a relationship without the title of one, so we made it official after about 4-5 months. But...(BUT!)there are issues.I didn't really want to be in a monogamous relationship at this stage in my life but agreed to because he was starting to become hurt at the idea of me continuing to date. I loved him and didn't want to hurt him, so we became exclusive (though yes, a person can love someone but still not want to be in a relationship and monogamous...if you feel otherwise, please do not waste my time or yours by commenting). Also, I am kinky and he is vanilla and that is an issue. He only lasts like 5-7 minutes during sex and then cums and is exhausted/winded. He is mix of nationalities and I notice his penis is really small for me (like barely 5 inches) and I don't cum very often during sex as a result. But when I don't cum or when I try to talk about the sex issues to try to improve things, he gets really sulky and we just end up having less sex. I am really frustrated with our sex life! I think about breaking up all the time but I'm torn--on the one hand, I love him deeply but on the other hand, I had a previous LDR ruined by similar sex issues. Not sure what to do. Anyone have similar experiences and if so, how did you handle it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2012): OP here--
dearcupid kind of butchered my post a little. Oy. E.g. He is asian and I am hispanic.
Anyways, thank you for the input. I actually spend a lot of time and money trying to improve our sex life and I am very well-versed in how I like to get off (and previous partners were able to give me the kind of mind-melting sex I loved...even if I did not love them). My bf knows how to perform foreplay I like but is kind of lazy about doing it. Meh.
At this point I know I should probably bow out but it is hard knowing he will disappear from my life when I still love him very much. Add to that knowing that dating prospects in my current city/county are extremely poor...frankly, while I am forced to be here for my current degree program, it would mean many lonely years. Especially since our close relationship has to side effect of isolating me in terms of forming friendships in the area. Without his companionship I would be very lonely and miss him quite a bit. But after further talks last night he just doesn't seem like he is ready/able to make that extra leap to work on our sex life together. Maybe we really ARE just too different that way...
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (19 November 2012):
 The bottom line here is you need to make a decision and there really isn't an easy answer.
It sounds like the two of you have a decent connection and you've obviously invested serious time in one another. However, reading between the lines of your post, it sounds like you are starting to drift away and want to break up, but lack the courage and wondering if you are doing the right thing. It is completely understandable that you would feel this way -- being sexually satisfied in a relationship is tantamount to happiness.
First off, I think you need to decide if the problem is fixable. He isn't going to magically grow more girth. 5 inches is generally about average from all that I've read. Also, I've heard that it really isn't the size that matters -- but how you use it.
Given that, have you tried coaching him or telling him what you need? Perhaps him starting with oral sex or him stimulating you with toys would enhance your pleasure. Also, if he wore a condom it may enable him to last a bit longer. You need to make it clear to him though that you aren't happy with his current performance and that you want to be with him, and you know he can do better. (Incidentally, 5 - 7 minutes is normal from first penetration to finishing).
At the end of the day, though, you need to decide if your less than stellar sex life (by your standards -- which may be set VERY VERY high) is worth the trade offs that he brings. Decent men are hard to find and if you are happy with him in other aspects of your life, you may find that this is a problem that can be overlooked or worked on. However, if you are looking around and considering cheating, you should do the right thing and let him know -- that way he can decide if he wants to remain with you.
Ultimately, the choice is yours. And while I haven't answered your question, per say, hopefully I've given you some food for thought. I encourage you to look at the bigger picture. Ask yourself what you really want and what is truly important to you and whether you can remain faithful or not be resentful towards his performance. Also, this may be an opportunity for you to see how the two of you deal with problems -- if he sulks and avoids them, than you know he isn't going to deal with other problems in the relationship either.
Eddie
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2012): No you shouldn't stay.
For the following reasons.
1. "it wasn't supposed to go further" you had no interest from the start.
2. "I didn't really want to be in a monogamous relationship at this stage in my life but agreed to because he was starting to become hurt at the idea of me continuing to date."
You started this relationship because you didn't want to hurt him, pity is a pretty shitty reason to start one.
3. "Also, I am kinky and he is vanilla and that is an issue."
You don't like the same kind of sex.
4. "He only lasts like 5-7 minutes during sex and then cums and is exhausted/winded."
He doesn't last long enough for you.
5. "I notice his penis is really small for me"
His penis is too small for you and he cannot change it's size and I doubt you'll do kegels or anything else to rectify the situation physically.
6. "But when I don't cum or when I try to talk about the sex issues to try to improve things, he gets really sulky and we just end up having less sex."
Your communication is poor, you cannot agree on the best way forward and forgive me OP but you seem to direct all of the blame for this on him.
7. "I think about breaking up all the time"
Then you should.
8. "I had a previous LDR ruined by similar sex issues."
Then you know how bad it can get.
OP just move on, you and he are not sexually compatible and you deserve someone who meets your sexual standards and he deserves a woman who enjoys the same kind of sex as him and finds his penis size more than adequate.
Rather simple decision if you ask me.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (18 November 2012):
 "like barely 5 inches"
How is that small?
I was all prepared to come on here and say he's acting like a child, etc... etc... but you sound like you have some really unreasonable expectations. 5-7 minutes isn't short, it's actually longer than average. 5" isn't small, it's well within average range. Being winded after sex is completely normal. You are expecting him to be superman, but he's just normal man.
"I had a previous LDR ruined by similar sex issues."
I think you need to put a lot less pressure on your sex partners and lower your expectation about what you can get from them. You need to start taking more responsibility for getting off. Like if you need more friction during sex, get a sex toy to insert (like I think it's called a wee-vibe is internal and external to be used DURING sex). If you are having trouble cumming from sex, then you need to find other ways to orgasm because the vast majority of women don't orgasm from sex. Even the ones who can usually have to have "back-ups." Like I can orgasm from sex, but it's certainly not every time.
I think you need to play a more proactive role in your pleasure to fix this. Rub yourself off, ask for oral or fingers, get a toy, do something like that. Because everything you are describing sounds pretty normal. Both parties are expecting penetration to get them off and both parties are disappointed that it doesn't.
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