A
female
age
41-50,
*arisienne
writes:Forgive me, this post is long, but I feel that there is information necessary so that people can answer my question.I am engaged. I am very happy in my current arrangement and have no wish to leave my fiance. With this being said I have also been in contact with my friend (who is also my ex) after his wife left him. We dated in high-school and promised to remain friends after our relationship ended. The reason our relationship changed to friendship was that he fell out of love with me. I accepted this and moved on to meet my fiance. Where things start to get sticky is that my friend (lets call him Etienne) and I have had various inappropriate encounters over the years. It didn't progress past the point of no-return, but it did startle both of us. I know that I was involved (not engaged yet though) with my fiance at the time and I believe Etienne was seeing someone. We both understand that we are not "in love" with one another, but merely responded to chemistry. Both of us were under considerable stress at the time from our respective life situations (family/legal issues). This doesn't make the situations excusable, but it simple allows one to understand the atmosphere. We have both apologized to one another for the abuse to the friendship and thankfully minimal damage has occurred. However, there was a year or so where I did not hear from him due to his guilt over the situation. I understood the silence and focused on my own relationship. In the meantime during our absence from each other's lives as friends Etienne got married. I found out through a church newsletter and am very happy for him that he found someone to make him happy. I sent him a nice card and a pair of cute hugging salt and pepper shakers as a wedding gift. I expected that to be it and that it would be another year or two before I would extend another bit of contact. Out of respect for his marriage and mine-- we didn't want things to be weird and complicated. It was never spoken but understood. I have maintained a profile on myspace.com. Mostly because I have lived abroad at different intervals. The page allows me to maintain contact with my friends and family (who live in many different areas of the world). One evening I got curious and searched Etienne's name. His profile popped up. I was surprised because he has never been big on computer things-- in fact we have never exchanged email in the almost 10 years we've know each other. So I took the gamble and looked at his page. It said that he was newly single (which concerned me, I thought he married?!) and surfing for a date. I messaged him and asked him about how life was going. He wrote back that his wife had left him and that he thought that there might be no hope of reconciliation. Since then we have been in contact more often. He even rode his motorcycle out to visit me three hours away and meet my neice. I have already posed the idea that I want to help him as much as possible but that given my own situation (happily engaged) that I don't want things to get out of hand. What is the best way to approach helping him without putting myself in a position where things would get complicated?He needs a good friend, and people to believe in him. I feel like by me being hesitant and reluctant to commit a lot of time to helping him that somehow I don't care which isn't the truth at all. I just know that we have a history of physical attraction that has resulted in questionable behavior before. He is lonely, and hurting. I feel for him and want to help, but I am also unsure as to how I would react if in his bitterness and/or weakened state right now that if a move were made how I would be able to say no. It is this knowledge of myself that keeps me at a distance from him and I would say rightly so. So I am conflicted and trying to work it out about the extent of my involvement. I have encouraged him to seek reconciliation (which he has been working towards with his wife anyway) but I don't want my inclusion in his life to jeopardize any chance of resolution with his wife! I want him to be happy and stay married. I care about him deeply and he also has said that he cares for me, but not "in love" with me. I know I am not in love with the man either, so why is it so complicated? Neither of us have delusions of being with together (as one of my friends had the gumption to suggest). I am excited to get married in May 2009. I sincerely love my future husband and wouldn't trade him for Etienne. We both respect each other or want to respect each other's situation. sincerely want to avoid a situation where close physical proximity could cause problems. Both of us have a problem with impulse control with regards to one another. We both know it. My other problem (related) is that I will be returning to our hometown for a couple of weeks to help my Dad through some cancer treatments. I would like to visit with Etienne, but I want to be careful. We are both working with very stressful/hurtful situations (divorce/dying parent) and I don't want the crises to spur anything. I have suggested that we always meet in public and work consciously to keep things platonic. Do we take the gamble and hope it works? We've been able to keep it platonic about 75% of the time we've spent together over the years. What is the best way to handle this delicate situation?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, fi.uk  +, writes (28 September 2008):
Wow! And I thought I had complex relationship issues! ....anyhow, obviously you & only you know the truth of your relationships but from my perspective you love this guy 'Etienne' & he loves you. Whatever way you dress it up, you've written a whole lot about him & very little about your fiance, & in everyday life one tends to talk most about the one we love. So. If you really want him to pursue his failed/failing marriage and yourself to marry & make the best of that, I suggest you completely cut yourself off from 'Etienne' for the forseeable future. No contact. Nada. Explain if you must, but do it. Some time reflecting on yourself, your feelings for your fiance, your feelings for 'Etienne'. Only with a break, I suggest, will you stand any chance of taking a clear view of things.
I read somewhere recently - possibly in answer to a posted question, I don't know - that if you care for someone, think of them lots, love to be with them, want the best for them & want to go to bed with them, it's pretty surely love.............
bonne chance!
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