A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in a desperate situation and need advice. My long distance boyfriend has given me an ultimatum. He moved a long way away after being with me for a year and we have been apart for 9 months. During that time I have only been able to see him once for a week. Every day he has said he wants me to be with him. However I would be giving up a lot. Over the last week he has been telling me if I don't get out to be with him for a couple of months it is over. I have become terrified and each day over the last week I have tried to bring myself to book the flight but just cannot. Fear and anxiety at the pressure on me to make this all work combined with worry and sadness at the potential end of our relationship keeps me from taking action. This morning he has told me that if I am not there in 48 hours it is over he is sick of hanging on for me. He is unrelenting in giving me any slack and says he has waited long enough. He says our relationship is damaged and needs repairing from all of this time apart. He told me today that if I'm not on the plane to forget it he doesn't want to hear from me again and its time to move on. I have had many factors including depression that have contributed to my problem and 'mental block' as well as trying to change my job direction and finances. He told me to stick my dog in a kennel for 3 months - this is just not possible and I have nobody who can look after him. I would only be able to manage 2 -3 weeks at most for him with family. Again he has told me this isn't good enough. He's told me that if I love him I will get on the flight and that 'deep down he has to do it this way'. I feel really pressured but know I have been to blame for not getting out to see him. I love him very much but I'm feeling sick with worry. I have not slept for days. He has a stable job and home and I feel my life is crumbling. I feel weak without him, since he left life has been rough, but with this threat I feel very hurt. He believes that shouting at me and threatening to finish is the only way I will get on the plane. I know people snap but I don't know what to do...if I don't go I will never know if the life he is offering is better but I'm not sure by the way he is doing this whether we have anything left to save.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2008): He is in New Zealand
A
female
reader, jabey +, writes (17 May 2008):
difficult to anwser this question without knowing exactly how far away he is.
Can you go for a week or 2 weeks only ?
If you could then perhaps that would be the compromise, go and have a short holiday with him. This way you will be able to see his life and also asess if you really want to be with him and his lifestyle.
Im afraid there a few contradictions in your problem. on one hand you say you want him and dont want to loose him, but on the other hand you dont seem to keen on going to see him.
I am a beleiver that if you truly love someone you will move heaven and earth to be with them.
You say your life has been a mess without him, so why the reluctance to go find him and decide if it is he you want.
If you were saying your life were great and you having a great time, then yes maybe you dont need to follow him.
I think it sounds as if he loves you and is desperate to be with you and is getting frustrated and feels an ultimation is the only way to be with you. Probably the wrong way to go about it, but embrace the fact he is so desperate to see you. Rather that than him say, dont bother coming to see me.....
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