A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm 33, married 7 years (but I've been with my husband for 13 years) and have 2 kids, one 14 (from a previous relationship) and one 2. I've never been single from the time I was 17. When I met my husband, I had just gotten out of a relationship. I did not want to get into another one at that time, but he pursued me and I thought maybe it was best to be with him because I felt noone would want to be with someone who had a kid (I was 20 at the time). In a way I always resented him for not letting me be single. Silly I know, I should have blamed myself.I never felt that passion or connection with him, yet I married him. After the wedding, I went into a postmordem depression. I never did take his last name and I don't even have a joint bank account with him. I guess that shows the level of committment I had in the relationship. Over the years, I grew to love him more but that passion which I longed for was never there. He's a wonderful man, a great husband, provider, and father. Lately, for the past year, I've been feeling worse. I feel like disappearing, running away. The stress of work, responsibilities of being a mother and wife, everything has really gotten to me. I thought it was the lack of passion in my marriage so I sought other men for sexual satisfaction. I realize now that there are more deeper issues then that. I woke up one day and thought to myself, I'm almost 34 and I feel like I have not accomplished anything in my life. The dreams I had when I was younger I have not even fullfilled. I've lost the passion for life, for living. I feel resentful because I feel like I've had to sacrifice everything I've ever wanted for the family. All the decisions I've made have been for my husband and kids. I've become bored and restless. I feel like I've checked out. I've lost myself, I don't know who I am. I'm on the verge of leaving and I feel so confused and alone. I don't think anyone will understand what I'm going through. I think it's midlife crisis. What do I do? What can I do? I feel so guilty for feeling this way and I don't want to hurt my husband or kids, but I can't continue living this way.
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