A
female
age
30-35,
*implyme899
writes:Going through a divorce and I have full custody of our two year old daughter. She's very sad, mostly around bed time. Saying she misses daddy and wants to go home, I comfort her and it breaks my heart she's hurting. He doesn't try to see her and I always have to call him so they can talk. Sometimes he doesn't pick up and she gets even more sad... I guess my big question is, do I continue to call for her when she asks and gets sad? Or does this make me look like a bad parent for not being able to get her to sleep or make her happy?... also does it make it harder on her by calling him everynight? * I want him in her life, he is dealing with some drug issues... but he goes weeks without seeing her, then pops back into her life. So my concern is her, and how I can make this as easy as I can for her.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 February 2013):
 Oh how hard for both of you.
my kids were 3 and 5 when I split from their dad... thankfully however he was an awesome dad and very involved with them..
I know your little girl is confused and sad and so are you...
My advice... you can call him... and if he does not pick up let her leave a voice mail for him... and tell her... honey I know you miss daddy.. he's busy and he'll get back to you as soon as he can. let's go get into bed with [favorite doll, stuffed animal or pet) and read [her favorite book] before you fall asleep.
Make the night time bedtime ritual the same thing every night... a call to daddy if she asks (or even if she does not you can say "do you wanna try and call daddy before we get ready for bed?" For now she will say yes... and if he picks up even once every few weeks she will continue to try. One day she may say NO.... but I would always offer.
She's young and won't get it... as she gets older she will. Hopefully he can deal with is personal demons and heal enough to be there for her.....
and she will learn you are not the bad guy here...
I was rarely around for my kids as they got older (at 5 and 7 they went to live with their dad and stepmom and I saw them regularly but not frequently) they are now 28 and 26 and i'm still mom and they still love me even if I screwed up as a parent when they were little....
You can't expect him to call her... and do not bad mouth him in front of her EVER... (hard to do but crucial)
my ex husband and I are to this day... very civil and neither of us ever bad mouthed the other... our goal was not to be divorced... although we knew that was necessary...
OUR ONE GOAL was to make our kids as healthy and happy as we could.
Sadly if your ex is dealing with addictions... he can't deal with being a grown up...
A
female
reader, simplyme899 +, writes (14 February 2013):
simplyme899 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you. I do tell him he's hurting her, he has basically givin up. I just hope she doesn't feel I'm keeping her from him. But I do like the idea of him, actually calling for once.
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A
female
reader, haribo158  +, writes (14 February 2013):
One of the most important things for small children in stability and routine, the find comfort in this, since you say he doesn't always pick up perhaps you could try and explain that he's gone away for a while,
Explain to him that until he can sort himself out and establish a routine ie he always calls before bed, even just certain nights of the week, then you can't allow any contact at all,
Your daughter may find this hard at first but when I was young I had a similar situation, the worst thing was the instability, maybe i'll get to speak to them/maybe i won't...
Good luck
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (14 February 2013):
Don't worry about how something makes you look, just do what you think is best for her. I think you need to tell her ahead of time that daddy is having problems or going away so he may not answer the phone for awhile. That way she doesn't take it as personally.
Also you need to talk with him and do your best to tell him how much he's hurting his daughter by not being there for her. If anything he should be going the extra mile right now to help her through the divorce.
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