A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Okay, so I can't help but think my boyfriend is going to cheat on me! And in all reality, there is absolutly NO reason for me to be feeling that way. He has never done it before, and he always tells me how much he loves me and how I am the best thing that has ever happened to him, and he wants to be with me forever, and there is even talk of starting a family one day. There is so much background here that, its going to take a good couple minutes to explain... First.. a little about me....Within the last 2 years I have gone through a huge transformation, I have shed about 200 pounds. (boyfriend came after the weight loss) So my self esteem, and self confidence is still struggling. I am still a thick girl for sure, so I still have self image problems...but I know I look a hundred times better.Also, I think I might have some sort of abandonment issues, Dad left when I was 10, and chose drugs over his family...And it hit me harder then anyone cause I was the closest to him...So anyways...this guy is a cool good looking nice outgoing person, and I am always thinking, why is he with me!? That sounds absolutely horrible, but I am just expressing exactly what feelings I get. I tell myself all the time, that I am wonderful and I have a great heart, and Im a pretty girl, and blah blah blah, but I still have this horrible insecurity. I work evenings, so whenever he goes out I meet him after work, but its late and he has already been out, and the whole time before I get off I a thinking "omg what is he doing?" and I have these HORRIBLE unnecessary mental images of him making out, or spitting game, or whatever. And Its soooooo horrible and rediculous!!Now, here is where he IS wrong....he has told me in the past how he cheated on his ex when he was a lot younger...he promises he would never do that to me, and I mean way more then she ever did...but I have always thought, once a cheater, always a cheater, but that was like 5 years ago...so when he told me that it just added more fuel to my fire of insecurities and horrible thoughts.He really has given me no reason to feel this way, I even went as far as to look through his phone!!!! I WOULD NEVER DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT!! Im not a weird possesive girlfriend...I would never do that. But this guys is just such an great catch, and I am so scared to loose him. I feel like im putting to much thought into this and I am almost loosing myself. HELLPP! :( I don't want to feel this way anymore!Also, he has this best friend, who is a total DOGG! He cheats on his girlfriend all the time. And I feel like he might drag my boyfriend into it too. They always go out with one another, and he always says "come on dude lets go holler at some girls" How inconsiderate! My boyfriend just laughs and rolls his eyes. He says he could never influence him to do anything, but it makes me so nervous, cause they always hang out! Maybe that has something to do with my issues!
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best friend, confidence, drugs, his ex, self esteem Reply to this Question
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male
reader, The Listener +, writes (12 September 2008):
 I don't like the expression 'once a cheater, always a cheater'. People who have insecurities can overcome them and change. People who do not like certain sexual activities can change their mind after trying it. People who don't like a certain type of food may begin to like it after they reach a certain age or they have tried it enough. Why should people who cheat be any different? They can change, just like anyone else.I say this because I myself cheated on my first girlfriend. The girl i cheated on her with is now my current girlfriend and we have been going out forever. Never have i considered cheating on her or anything of the sort and we are very happy together.My point is that people cheat for different reasons. Some people are unhappy in their relationship and find someone else who satisfies them but goes about the wrong way of dealing with the situation. This is what happened in my case. Some people cheat because they believe they want someone else when in fact that is not true, they have other issues unresolved but it takes its form through cheating. Most of the people i know who have cheated on past partners have learnt from their mistake and never done so again. I'm not saying that it is okay to cheat once, but i'm saying that sometimes it happens, that's life, but you can't hold it against someone their entire life. If he is a decent guy he will have learnt that what he did was terrible and he won't repeat that same mistake, especially if he believes you two have a future together. I'd advise you to try and ignore this and get on with your relationship. You won't know until it happens and if he is giving you no reason to mistrust him then i wouldn't. If it does happen then you have to move on. Not all people who cheat once are cheaters for a lifetime.Well that's my rant over, hope any of it helped. Good luck with your situation.
A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (12 September 2008):
 Checking his phone is not being a "weird possessive gf." It's being smart! Now, let me tell you I have a husband who used to be friends with some guy who seemed to move too fast with women. After two weeks of going out he would want sex. His friend didn't influence him. He used to be a "playa," but he's not anymore.
You've gotta use him to convince you that he is not going to do that to you. I don't mean ask him everyday, but maybe once and a while, "Are you happy with me?" And then when he says, "Why are you asking me this?" Convey your insecurities in yourself, and he'll reassure you saying, "No, of course not, you're beautiful." Sometimes it feels better hearing it from someone else than yourself. I don't mean say, "Are you cheating on me?" That would put him in defense mode, I just mean ask him the other thing that I typed earlier.
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A
female
reader, bon  +, writes (12 September 2008):
ok it seams you are struggling with self confidence. you need to lighyen up a bit else he is going to do exactly that! maybe some councelling might help with self asteem and confidence in yourself.
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