A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I haven’t been on here for a while but I have come to a point in my relationship where I need advice please. My boyfriend and I have been going out for over 5 years now and we have lived together for 4. Our relationship has had its problems some pretty major ones just over a year ago but we have tried to put those problems behind us. The concern I have at the moment relates to the problem that happened in January 2012. In a nut shell my boyfriend had been messaging a female co-worker about our relationship and about me. He said very hurtful things and said he didn’t love me. Up until this point the relationship seemed to be stable. Not perfect but I didn’t see anything wrong with it nor did I think he didn’t love me. 6 months previous to this he lied to me about going out with a girl from work. He deleted messages between them both and denied that she even worked with him. Now I do have trust issues to begin with (due to my dad cheating on my mum) so I can understand why he might have hid his friendship with her from me. I say friendship but I cannot be 100% sure it wasn’t more than that, and this is where my issues started.On both of these counts I had this horrible gut feeling that something was wrong and I know I was in the wrong for checking his phone and finding the messages. The problem I have now is that I have the same horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. And guess what, I am back to checking his phone and his computer. My main concern is that he is seeing someone or in contact with someone again and is hiding it from me. On his facebook account he has this one particular friend I am uneasy about. She works in a strip club and posts scantily clad pictures of herself on there for all to see. My problem is I don’t know how he knows her. She just appeared on his friends list one day. Then there is a contact on his second phone (but with no number) who I am worried about as he also has a folder on his laptop under her name but it is empty. He has also been looking her up on facebook. He said the contact on the phone was a woman from a place he wants to work and he has her email address which is why there is no number under her name.Now I know I am the one who has a problem here. I am the one that needs help but I don’t know where to turn. I cannot talk to my family and I have no friends where I live now. I don’t know what to do next. I am thinking that a break might be good but I love him and I don’t want my jealousy to ruin the relationship we had. I need to stop suspecting him and stop looking at his phone and computer. Do I talk to him and ruin any chance of him wanting to be with me or do I fight my demons on my own? I know the saying is “there is no relationship without trust” and I do want to trust him. Please let me just say again I know I am in the wrong, I just need ideas on what to do next.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your advice. I haven't decided what to do yet but I will not ignore this gut feeling. I think something is definitely wrong. I don't like/enjoy snooping but I cannot shake this horrible feeling. I think the way forward for now would be to keep a very close eye on him and see if he lets something slip (which is what happened last time). I also need to start making a back up plan if something does arise. I will keep you all posted xxx
A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (29 June 2013):
 I agree with the anonymous response. I would also like to add that if your gut tells you something does not feel right, listen to it. I can't tell you how many times I ignored that bad feeling I got in the pit of my stomach, only to realize later that I should have listened to it. If you need hard proof, then hire a private investigator or do your own PI work. A friend of mine suggested that to me a long time ago when I was married to my ex. I did not take her advice because I thought it was a crazy, stalking kind of idea. I regret not taking it. If I had taken that advice, I would have saved a lot of heartache, time and money in the long run. Better to find the truth than waste valuable time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2013): In every relationship, ( and I'm not judging) there are certain boundaries and lines that are not to be crossed .. Now for me the scanity clothed stripper would be one of them . No if he were single that would be up to him, but he's not flying solo is he ? So he needs to look at how this behaviour could be viewed not just by you, but by others and being honest to me it doesn't wear well. I don't feel you have the issue . I think that you have been far to forgiving in the past . He should have been making you feel like a hundred dollars not like some doormat he can walk all over..Go to therapy that's a good idea . For you not because you have done anything wrong.. So that you can build your self esteem and confidence .Secondly join the gym or look up old friends on Facebook etc .. Go to an evening class. Expand your mind and your social life .. Stop being deoendant on him for your life.. You live, sweetie for You!! Then when you have gained all the confidence you need leave him .. Take care x
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