A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I'm getting married in less than 4 weeks time and i feel sick about the whole thing. His parents are chuffed to bits. My son hates him and their family. I cannot get anyone to have my son for one night while we get to the venue, which is 50 miles away. I just don't feel the same about him, yet i just cannot call off the wedding,or he will be devastated. I feel like my sparkle has just disappeared. My son is only 14. I was a single parent for over 7 years bringing him up on my own. we got so close, now i just cannot get close to him at all. I feel like i have ruined his life and for what, i am so depressed these days, don't feel the same person. How and what do i do now, please aunts give me some sound advice, my head just seems to be up my bum at the moment.
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female
reader, Pork Hock  +, writes (19 April 2007):
Listen, my brother lost his Mum at 13, actually the day before his 14th birthday. My Dad is bringing him up at 63 but has met another woman only 9 years older than me. I've had very frank conversations with my brother, he is happy if my Dad is happy. He is happy that my Dad is ok, but he said that if she didn't accept our family, he would have an issue with it.
Your son is mature enough to see the warning signs, doesn't like what is being planned because he knows what you and him were as a partnership, you and him. It is a role reversal. He can't bear to see you go into something, where you are going to get hurt. He knows one day he will move away, but you have to remember he wants to see you doing the right thing. Can you imagine him marrying or hanging out with mates who were not good for him or a positive influence? How could or would he be able to walk away if you were unhappy.
I've been a single Mum to a 5 year for 3 years so don't just 'DO', do it because you know you will be happy, your son will be. If he wanted to show how much he thought, he would have said. I see your post was March 19th? Did you do it?
A
female
reader, Pork Hock +, writes (18 April 2007):
Ok listen to me. I was with my man for 11 years from the age of 19 and married him at 27. I remember organising my wedding, booking rooms, organising flowers and everyone on the other end of the phone saying you must be so excited...the answer was no, shear terror and lying and saying yes great. The week before my wedding my Mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer and I continued on thinking I had to just do it. I remember feeling incredibly alone and frightened. I woke up the morning of my wedding to my Dad saying 'Come on get up, you're getting married today' he may as well have said 'Come on, you're going to get tortured today'. I remember sitting in the bathroom on the loo, sweating in my wedding dress and feeling totally trapped. DO NOT DO THIS! I remember going down the ailse and thinking like I was Princess Diana...everyone was watching and my face was on all the tea-towels and mugs and I was letting everyone down, particularly my Mum who was terribly ill on the day and missed most of it. I am now divorced and everytime I see my wedding photos I know exactly what I was thinking. DO NOT DO IT. A divorce emotionally, finacially is just awful. Take it from someone who was divorced at 30...I would never go into a marriage again unless I was running down the aisle and absolutely ectastic to be together with him. Call it off, it is better than having all the disappointment, let down, money issues and embarrassment. Just tell him you don't love him and you can't do it. Don't end up like me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2007): Did you get married in the end?
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (19 March 2007):
 Hi,
I am going to take a different stand on this.
Do you love this man, or are you putting your son's feelings first?. Is this man good to you, or did you decide to marry him, just not to be on your own anymore. I ask because, although I agree children must be put first, they can be terribly manipulating at that age.
Why is your son not going with you?. O.K he says he hates him and his family. Does he have a good reason for this?.
Dont forget this child has had you to himself for 7 years, why would he want that to change. Children can be extremely selfish at times. Talk to your son first, ask him why he is making life difficult for you. If he has a good reason for not wanting you to be with this man, then its up to you to put him first.
Hope you sort it all out. XX
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A
female
reader, stina  +, writes (19 March 2007):
 Hi there anonymous,
Do not get married to this man - call it off now. Kenny is right, the longer you wait, the harder it will be to do. You are supposed to be thrilled at the thought of getting married, not feel sick about it at all! Throughout your whole post, I've not seen anything positive said about any of this - I think that if you were really torn between what you should do, you'd at least have some sort of argument about why you think you should still get married, don't you?
The only thing you've said that is a reason for getting married is keeping your fiance from getting devastated. What's worse - your fiance being devastated for a bit or you feeling that way the rest of your life? Listen, if you call the wedding off, there's no reason why you two have to completely break things off and not see one another anymore. Perhaps you could just postpone the wedding and set no sound date for right now. It seems like the both of you have issues you need to work on. The last thing you want to do in this state of mind is get married to someone for the wrong reasons (not hurting his feelings).
Listen - you know what you have to do, and it's totally going to be one of the most stressful things you'll have to do in your life, but I think you'll feel much better about things after you tell your fiance what's on your mind.
And about your son - you have not ruined his life. I think it's just the fact that he's had you all to himself for such a long time that sharing you with someone else is making him have bitter feelings toward you and your guy. It's a perfectly understandable situation, but at the same time it's taking over your (and his) life which is a problem. I suggest family couseling - this will help your son understand your feelings and might help you to understand him more - he may be more open in a counseling sort of atmosphere. (You might also ask the counselor if he thinks having your fiance come to future sessions would be a good idea, too.)
But, you know, communication and honesty are two very important key factors in any relationship. You need to stay open and honest about your feelings with your to-be husband, especially about something so important like your marriage, don't you think?
Things will be okay anonymous. If you and your fiance really value each other and the relationship then it won't matter if the wedding is next month or next year. What's important is that you two are together, right? If things don't work out, though, and for some reason he can't accept that you don't want to get married, then maybe it's better off that you're not with him. Why would somebody want to force you into a marriage that you don't want? If he loves you, he'll be there -- it might take him a while to understand because it doesn't really seem like he's clued in to any of your worries, but like I said, he'll be there.
And since you said that you are very depressed these days, it might not be a bad idea to see about counseling for this on your own, as well. Maybe talking to someone would make you feel better. If not a counselor, what about a close friend or relative. You can't keep feelings like this bottled up or else you're going to stay depressed. Sometimes talking things out just makes a person feel better, but it can also help a person figure out exactly what they want and how to go about getting it.
But first thing's first - tell your fiance what's on your mind. Tell him that you want to postpone the wedding until a later date and that you want to concentrate on building a better foundation with him and regaining the relationship you once had with your son. These are valid reasons for wanting to hold off on getting married, don't make him let you feel guilty about any of this - you're not doing anything wrong! In fact, you're doing the right thing for everyone. What would getting married at the wrong time do? I can't think of anything positive, can you? Just a lot of resentful, negative feelings which could turn into arguments left and right...and you'd probably slip deeper into depression. What do you think?
Like I said, things will be okay - you just have to speak up and say what's on your mind and don't feel guilty for having any of these feelings.
Take care.
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A
male
reader, Dagwood  +, writes (19 March 2007):
 Sorry to hear about your turmoil. Are you sure about you're feelings or could it just be nerves or the thought of giving up the single life style? Maybe you should talk to a counsellor right away! Don't make a big mistake by marrying this person because you think he'll be devastated if you don't. The amount of hurt divorcing will be worse, never mind the added financial and administrative burden. I've known people who have walked away at the church as they were not 100% sure, which obviously took a lot of courage. Remember the old saying; "when there's doubt there's no doubt. But be sure that your judgment is not being clouded by nerves and emotions! Think what attracted you to this person in the first place? What are the things you love about him? How does he make you feel? Your son is obviously an issue as well! Being a single mom you have developed a special relationship with him where he feels he's the man of the house and has all your attention and he thinks he'll be loosing this. This is a normal reaction from him but in a few years he'll be much more independent and want to leave home anyway! Then he'll be happy that you have someone. Maybe just postpone the wedding for a few years (you’re both mature adults so there is no rush and you don’t have to start a family) until your son has matured and become more independent and you're sure about this guy. Discuss these feeling with your partner, family and close friends. Take care.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (19 March 2007):
 I think if you having these feelings then you have got to tell your fiance now rather than later how you feel. The longer you leave it the harder it will get. Its better telling him four weeks away that you don't want to marry him rather than a couple of days before the big day. I realise he will be devestated but you will feel better in yourself for getting it off your chest and being up front.
Good luck x
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