A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I’m getting married, but I feel like a mid-life crisis waiting to happen.I am engaged to a wonderful woman who loves me with all of her heart, but the further our engagement moves along, the colder my feet get. Hell, I’m scared to death!I always focused my life on getting prepared to settle down and start a family. I worked hard in school and I worked even harder in my career. Now I feel like I’ve missed out. Now that everything I’ve strived for is within reach, I don’t want to settle down at all anymore.If I marry this girl, I’ll probably be set for life. She’s an only child and her parents can’t wait to have grandchildren. She’s the first person I actually trust enough to even have children with and I have no doubt that she’ll be an incredible mom one day.We’ve lived together for nearly seven months (We’ve only been dating about nine months) and we get along just fine. Even the sex is still great. I guess the honeymoon period is still in full swing as we never seem to get enough of each other. So what’s my problem? Well, I’m feeling like I missed out. I spent all this time preparing to settle down and now I’m left wondering what I could have had?See I’m one of those schmucks who is struggling with his partner’s past. We can’t go downtown without her running into or seeing someone she either dated or hooked up with. After getting her heart broken a couple years ago by a guy who wanted to go out and get more experience, she spent the next year partying as hard as she could until she met me. We went to a local sports bar one day and she was looking around nervously as if she was trying to avoid someone. Turns out she had slept with the owner of the place. It makes me sick to think about. She’d have sex with these guys before even dating them! Only afterward would she realize they were losers and move on. She’s only my second and I’m dying to know what it is like to have had all these experiences? Different styles, tastes, smells, and the constant excitement of having hookup after hookup.Her friends always tell me how wild she used to be, which is funny because now she seems so domestic. When we first met, she used to be all about working out and staying fit. Now it seems like she’s losing interest in staying in shape and we haven’t even walked down the aisle yet! I’ve even tried to do Yoga classes with her, but she quit after a few sessions because she said it hurt her knees and back too much. One day she really hurt me when she was getting dressed to go out with me one night and decided against a particularly sexy shirt because she didn’t like the way her body looked in it anymore? I thought she looked fine, so when I asked when she did wear it, she replied with “when I used to party all the time.” So of course, I think to myself: “Great so all these guys that just wanted to get laid, got to have her in her prime, but now that she has me, it doesn’t matter anymore!”I can’t help but look at her sometimes and think, “You had all your fun, and now you are ready benefit from all of my past restraint.”Guys who break up with girls because they want to go out and get more experience get such a bad rap. I used to loathe those guys, but I can’t really blame them anymore? It seems so easy to go out and get laid these days.Has anyone gone into marriage feeling like this? If I break up with her now, she and her parents will be devastated, but I am afraid I might end up running out on a seven year marriage with kids because I couldn’t stand the temptation to see what’s out there?Would she be better with someone who lived the same lifestyle she did and is ready to settle down now?Will these feelings and curiosities ever go away or at least get better with time?
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engaged, move on, period Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2008): It's interesting, you know, my husband slept with ten people before he married me. He was my first. And sometimes I wonder what sex with other people would be like, but I would never cheat on him.
How much do you love this woman? Love conquers all. We got hitched, because I knew cold feet would creep in on me as well.
You spent all your life working and never partying, it seems. Go with your gut, because if you really love this woman, you would be honest with her,and her heart get broken now, than the pain be MUCH worse after having been with her in marriage for some time.
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